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Saved 1/17/10 to Group Therapy

Boyfriend and His Sister Are Too Close for Comfort


My b/f and I have been together for 4 yrs. He is in his early 30's and has a sister who is a year or two older than he is. She is married and lives in another city.Here is the issue...they are too close for comfort. I'm not overreacting about this. They talk every day for at least 30-45 mins. They email daily and text daily. Not one or the other but all of the above. He considers her his best friend and tells her everything. Personal stuff about our relationship and things he doesn't even tell me. He shares funny emails with her and news with her but neglects to share the same things with me. It kills me because he has her on a pedastal. If she likes a movie, he automatically likes the same movie. If she finds a band and introduces his to it, he automatically likes that band. He constantly tells me about their "connection".But here I am. I am an only child. No siblings. And in my eyes (assuming we were to ever get married) I should take presedence. I should be his best friend. He should share everything with me. And he should pull off his sisters tit. I dont want him to stop talking to his sister. I am not that cruel. But he needs to get over her. Be her brother but pull back a bit. Am I wrong? This is the one thing that would prevent me from ever marrying him. I can't share my b/f, fiance, or husband with his sister. Our relationship should be a true relationship.

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LoveVeeIsLoVee LoveVeeIsLoVee 1 year 52 weeks
Well, i support the gfs here. I am kind of going through the same situation with his beloved sister. The strange part is that, I do come from a very tight knit family and i do have a brother so i do not support the idea that you have to be all over your family to be consider close, we all respect our spaces. However, when it comes to my bf, is like he reflects the perfect women in his sister. she is so smart, so cute, she has the perfect body, the perfect smile, all boys want her... i have not met her however i have seen her in pictures, and she is so different from me, she is brunette, dark straight hair, super thin and "perfect" and while i am white not that thin, brown curly hair... and he speaks about how she has the perfect theeth and how he lifts her and and i even pointed a girl and said, i supposed your sister looks like her, and he said, -yeah yeah but my sister has more curves-... i am getting really insecured! His comments and the physical different between the two of us is getting on my nerves, because deep down i think that probably his IDEA of wife or GF that he has, and i am totally oposite to it, i have tell him sometimes that his sister makes me uncomfortable, and he has kind of stop, however when it comes to spontaneous moments i get true answers out of him, about his oh so beautiful sister and how he loves to protect her. Talking about feelings we are good, we have been together for a year and a half now, and i feel we have our hearts are in the right place. But there is this idea that i can not take out of my mind which is that PROBABLY deep inside his perfect women is a lot more like his sister than me ... I have never felt so insecured and even sometimes i think about breaking up with him because his actitud towards looks is taking a stole on me ... but then i think about how good we are to each other and i get into a dilema i would really really apreaciate if someone answers me. thanks a lot
awordplease awordplease 2 years 2 weeks
Glad to know I am not the only one dealing with a situation like this. I was starting to think that the way I feel about my husband's relationship with his sister is crazy-I thought there was something wrong with me. My husband and I are newlyweds and I had no idea how close his relationship with his sister was before we married. I mean, I knew they were close, but not like this. They text eachother ALL day long, from early morning till just before bed, set-up lunch dates that he never tells me about (I'll find out when I find a receipt and ask him about it), and they are super affectionate with eachother (when she comes over they usually end up cuddling, wrestling with eachother and giggling at their inside jokes-ignoring me completely). Although I spend more time with him (because we live together), I think he probably tells her "I love you" more than he tells me. Their relationship bugs the hell out of me. I'm glad they have a good relationship but it's a little creepy. I'm very close to my own siblings but we don't behave this way. I was justifying it by telling myself that not everyone's relationship with their siblings is the same, but it just drives me nuts! I feel ridiculous about the way I feel. And I don't want to drive a wedge between them, but...I don't know. I don't know what the heck to do. My husband thinks all this is perfectly normal. And I love him so I've been putting up with it. Hopefully it doesn't get worse.
SupermanHere SupermanHere 2 years 38 weeks
That's pretty creepy! Anything longer than talking to his sister for about 20 minutes every couple of days is pretty weird. It sounds like he's in love with his older sister when he's texting her, emailing her, and talking to her every day. Or his sister is very clingy and he loves the attention. Obviously, she is more important to him than you are, which shouldn't be if he intends to marry you. Family is great, but the spouse should be the best friend and the one you share intimate details with. It sounds like that guy is either not ready for you or God has somebody else chosen for you. Walk away. He obviously isn't looking to marry you.
passion8 passion8 2 years 42 weeks
TRUST YOUR INTUITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had to leave a 14 year relationship with my ex man and we had 3 kids together because he had sex with his blood sister and his blood cousin and got his cousin pregnant, proven through DNA test. it is more common than i ever expected once i started googling online and finding articles on incest and family sex issues, but i would not go over board and start accusing until you have facts, so if it was me i would google and article on family sex such as sister and brother or cousin and cousin and read it to him and ask for his opinoin and start probing with out being rude and acusatory and try to keep it logical based with out emotion kinda like detective work and trust your intuition, if i would have listened to mine, i would left along time ago after finding out all the discussing shit he did with family. what people do in the dark is very nasty and have no problem putting others at risk for their nasty behavior so be graceful and tactful how you approach a sensitive subject. GOOD LUCK:)
laughinggirl laughinggirl 2 years 42 weeks
I empathize with u...i feel same way, but my situation is not like urs...he does not spend that much time communicating with his 2 sisters, but there r things that worry me...make me feel like they will always come first...before me...even if we get married...i live with him now...he is almost 50 and has never been married...his friend refers to him as a "commitment phobe." One thing that has occurred to me that I wonder about it is...i wonder if we do marry if i would be in his will or on his life insurance...or will it be them instead? I know they are now. they should be part of his will...but will i be? and if so will i be equal to them? dont get me wrong...its not about the money...its about where i fit in and what i mean to him. One of the sisters is a lot younger than he is, but she is in her thirties and married...she calls him daddy. So, I understand and empathize, but I dont know if u and I are right to feel this way. I think to some extent we are.
MezzMe MezzMe 2 years 42 weeks
It's no wonder he'd rather talk to her than you. I mean, just look at the type of person that you yourself has testified to your being. 'Here is the issue...they are too close for comfort.' - No, the issue here is your ego. And to be honest with you, your ego actually comes off as being more the problem, than it does the issue. See, it is you who has a problem with their being so close, not their relationship causing an issue for you. What is wrong with you? Your boyfriend obviously has a great relationship with his sister, so why on earth would you want that relationship to be anything less than what it is? So he gets joy out of talking to her? Is his being happy not supposed to be of concern to you? Do you not want good things for him in his life? You should want this and more for him first before you ever start wanting more for yourself. 'I'm not overreacting about this.' - No, overreacting is not what I would call what you are hoping to resolve for yourself by way of causing problems for others here neither. 'They talk every day for at least 30-45 mins. They email daily and text daily. Not one or the other but all of the above. He considers her his best friend and tells her everything.' - Instead of focusing your attention on the one hour or so a day that he spends with his sister, maybe you should make the best of the remaining twenty three hours of the day that he chooses to spend with you by getting to know him better? A good place to start would be asking him just how much older his sister is than him, because after four years of your being intimate with this guy, I gotta say, your not knowing if whether she's one, or two years older than him really doesn't say much for your show of an interest in what matters to him. 'He considers her his best friend and tells her everything. Personal stuff about our relationship and things he doesn't even tell me.' - If he didn't tell you of these things he tells her, then how do you know about him telling her things that he doesn't even tell you? That even doesn't make sense. 'He shares funny emails with her and news with her but neglects to share the same things with me.' - Siblings are taught to share, but to me, your being an only child sounds more like an excuse for why you are being so selfish, than it does a reason for you to be acting as selfish as you are here. He probably doesn't share the same things with you because you are his girlfriend, not his sister, and therefore would rather share things of a different nature with you. Or, maybe he's just seen the extent of your willingness to share with him, so has come to measure his own willingness to share with you by the same standards that you yourself have set before him. 'If she likes a movie, he automatically likes the same movie. If she finds a band and introduces his to it, he automatically likes that band.' - Are you seriously this petty? So what if he likes her recommendations? What's it to you? 'I should take presedence' - And it would their not having such a close connection with one another that would allow you to take such a precedence in his life; huh? Are you sure? 'I should be his best friend.' - Yes you should. And yet you are not? Why is that? Is it because you are needing to step it up a bit? What you should be is a better person, maybe one with some values to boast. Maybe then he might start thinking of you as more best friend material. 'And he should pull off his sisters tit.' - What an ugly thing to say. 'I dont want him to stop talking to his sister. I am not that cruel' - Oh, well, THAT just speaks for itself right there. 'But he needs to get over her.' - Siblings don't 'get over' each other. What a weird a thing to say. You do know the only one here needing to get over anything is you needing getting over yourself; right? 'Be her brother but pull back a bit.' - Who are you to dictate how he conducts himself as a brother? Being an only child, you're not even qualified to make a suggestion in such an area. 'Our relationship should be a true relationship.' - Then you need to get real and see what's true here. 'Am I wrong?' - Yeah, you are more that just wrong here with this one. 'This is the one thing that would prevent me from ever marrying him.' - And what's that one thing? Your not being able to control his relationship with his sister? 'I can't share my b/f, fiance, or husband with his sister.' - Well, now that's a pretty selfish stance to take, don't you think? He's your boyfriend, a someone of whom you should respect, not a something with which you may possess. So why concern yourself with such? It's not like he's really yours for you to share with anybody anyway.
Linda-Joyce Linda-Joyce 2 years 42 weeks
This is a belated response, but RUN!!!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! I had something like this with my husband and his younger sister when her husband died and she decided my husband would be her replacement mate (she couldn't get anyone else); it almost caused us to get divorced. she is obsessed with him. We were in counseling - separatly - for a year. The psychologist said it was called "emotional incest" and extremely difficult to cure. When I decided to leave our marriage, my husband told his sister not to call, but she is obsessed with him, cunning and deceitful. Even though there is a "no contact" command, she periodically has others (her minions) email or call him for information. Once she called him four tmes in three minutes and left a voice mail each time saying "Call Me!" He did because of the nature of the message and it was nothing. It is impossible to believe what she has done. I excused her physical flirtations, her poisoning his mind about me, etc (my fault) - all just so very disgusting. If I'd known how nuts this all was going to be, I'd have never married him.
iammev iammev 2 years 42 weeks
I do not believe you're overreacting, I too am currently going through a "too close for MY comfort" situation with my husband and his sister, she doesn't like me, she bad mouths me, I know this for a fact. It has nothing to do with being an only child, not understanding sibling relationships, or being jealous! If looks and feels inappropriate it probably is. Speaking from my own experience, I wouldn't want my brother standing outside of a locked bathroom door while I was showering, hanging around upstairs while I was getting ready to go out on the town with my girlfriends, washing my laundry panties bras and all! He praises her telling her how beautiful she is, rubs her back, feet, I witnessed him holding her while sitting on the sofa watching TV! They saw my reaction and she quickly moved over. It is a TURN OFF when your husband is showing his SISTER the love, attention, and affection that most certainly deserve. Phone calls 45min-to an hr several times a week, texts, FB messages, I love you, I miss you, muah, muah, muah, oh please give me a break! I even noticed the words that he would use with me, or the way he worded things with me, he used with her, so it made me think what do I really mean to him if anything because he's not treating me, in alot of ways any better or worse than his sister. Tough situation! It makes me sick to stomach to see that she is a priority and I'm not because I've have been there for him 10+ years as a friend and a wife and much more.
jofisher1983 jofisher1983 2 years 43 weeks
Ok you are completely over reacting. I know plently of people who are this close to their siblings. Would you have problem if this was his older brother? Probably not.... You should stop being jealous and appreciate the fact that your bf treats women with respect. I mean come on its his older sister and probably looked up to her while they were growing up. Honestly you people are crazy and feel so insecure about yourself you have to criticize the realtionship that seems pretty normal to me.... When you have a sibiling you wxperience the whole first part of your life together the good and the bad. So of course you are going to feel connected to this person they were with you every step of the way. I say look on the bright side you have a bf who isnt at home smoking weed and spending your money.
TAMJ TAMJ 2 years 44 weeks
The truth is that in order to have a great relationship you should be FIRST! If this man is not putting you first then you are bound to feel insecure and not the top priority to him. That feeling sucks, I know. And not all unhealthy sibling relationships are between brother and sister. I have been dealing with an issue for the past couple of months involving my fiance'(a man) and his BROTHER! My fiance' and I have been together for over 6 years and have been living together for 2 & 1/2 years now. Until a few months ago I had no idea that he was so codependent on his younger brother. It started when I discovered that my fiance' had paid $179.00 for a week of his brother's extended stay hotel. I asked him about it and he said it was a "one time thing". Well I soon discovered another credit card with bunches of charges on it and my fiance' had been paying for his hotel for OVER ONE YEAR. When confronted he said he didn't tell me about because I would have "overreacted" to it. I'm sorry, but that is just wrong to have kept that from me for so long! Upon digging a little deeper I discovered that my fiance' has called his brother everyday, sometimes up to 28 times a day for 2 years at least. Also, he has gone over to his extended stay hotel on average 5 times a week and stayed there for hours! All this time I thought he was at work and when I asked him why he had spent so much time with his brother he told me that he was "taking midday naps" at his brothers place. Now his brother happens to be an alcoholic and meth addict so I'm worried about his bad influence on my fiance'. I mean if you hang around dogs long enough you're gonna get fleas! My fiance' says he is just trying to help get his brother on track. The part that hurts the most, aside from being lied to and having had things kept from me for so long, is the fact that I told my fiance' to choose either his brother or me. I wanted him to stop giving him money and paying his rent.(He has been giving him over $1200 a month for over a year now). My fiance' refuses to stop because he can't bare to see his brother starving on the street. (Can you say ENABLER??!!!). I know it is hard to just dump someone you have been with for so many years. However, I just don't think I can go on with a person who has deceived and disrespected me so much. Bottom line is when a man chooses a woman he is supposed to "cling to her" and put his family in second place. This sister is being put in first place and that is flat out wrong!
websay websay 2 years 44 weeks
look. You are not happy. That is good enough to dump him. You gotta love yourself.So just dump him and get over with.
BIGBOSS22112 BIGBOSS22112 2 years 45 weeks
i have a different way my wife talks to her cousin all the time it get irritate morning afternoon and night its like eating breakfast lunch dinner and even when we go out she is on the phone yapping on the phone. there's the way you want to make him/her miss you just be busy not have time for relationship.that way they feel bad and want to spend time with you. so that's one thing that will help watch try this it might work. go to work full time or even if your in college work over time that way they get irritated like they irritate you see its like you don't have time to spend with them cause they are wasting your time. there is another way you can ignore them just play video games all night and tell him/her that you are busy just like they are busy talking on the phone. see it might work who knows. be like your bf/gf act same as other. or use reverse psychology. go on Google and type it then learn to use it on anyone they will treat you good.
daisydutch daisydutch 2 years 50 weeks
I really want to weigh in on this because I see some very judgemental and one-sided views posted here from siblings who think they can imagine, but they can't. Every family and its ties are different, frequency of contact or pedestal or not shouldn't make it automatically comparable. And I do want to warn you all that YES, being an only child makes it different - I am one of those black sheep "only child" people too. Growing up alone makes it close to unimaginable what it is like to have a sibling and how feelings towards them can, should or could be. However, that doesn't change some basics here. My guess is that original poster has had a previous relationship where her partner and her were best friends, and that's why this blow is so hard. It would be a hard blow for me too; my boyfriend adores his sister, but not to the extent of deifying her! After all, a best friend DOES NOT put you on a pedestal! That is not what they are for - they are not supposed to worship or be worshipped or be followed blindly. Best friends, truly best friends, disagree sometimes, have fall outs sometimes, because they see the other person for what they are (human and thereby always somehow flawed) and they care. They care to disagree. A lot of siblings on here who are lashing out at the original poster are forgetting that difference. There is a difference between pedestals and simply loving unconditionally. I love my family unconditionally; I don't put them on a pedestal. That wouldn't be healthy. Sometimes they annoy me, sometimes they are wrong, they are human and I love them anyway. In fact I believe pedestals - if at all ever appropriate - should be reserved for that person and phase where we are IN LOVE. THAT is who you're supposed to put on a pedestal for a while. Any other family or long time friends can be loved unconditionally, but "worshipping" should be excluded to love-relationships. The fact that anyone could find no flaw or wrong in a relative, to me, frankly, sounds very unhealthy. They are the people who know you best and longest and who you'll always love. But part of falling in love, ESPECIALLY at the beginning, means that your focus is allowed to shift unnaturally for a while. If my boyfriend tells his sister something he doesn't tell me, he does so because it's a surprise or because it's baggage he doesn't feel like he's ready to share with me yet. His sister will always come first and I love that about him... but if he deified her I would be freaked OUT too.
jjilian jjilian 3 years 8 weeks
Thank you aggiearight Your post helps me see the truth about my ex and his sister. I had the same problems and my ex's twin sister did many things to interfere and finally broke us up. I loved him a lot and still have a difficult time getting over him until I read your post today. My ex and his sister definitely have some inappropriate behavior in a sexual way and I just thought I was crazy to think that way. I never told him about how I feel but I sense the dark & envious energy she showed every time we came to visit. The day we broke up, she posted on facebook that she found her mojo back?! This is a wake up call for me. I'll forget about him for good now. Thanks.
aggiearight aggiearight 3 years 9 weeks
Blood isn't always thicker than water (thank god) and more emotionally mature people wouldn't dream to have a sister as close as this guy has. It's very unhealthy, co-dependent and they are acting like a pair of co-dependent NPD's in undermining your privacy. It's a form of bullying. It's also disrespectful and undermining to share private comms of yours (illegal too). They guy is still emotionally, a child, so is his sister. It's possible they share secrets about abusive parents or went to far with sex games as kids. Sadly there isn't a lot you can do about this. He has to realise he's an adult now. If I were you, I'd go and travel and find yourself some great friends, an emotionally stable and great person will come along with time. Let him go for your happiness' sake, nobody is worth wasting your life on. These two are emotional vampires feeding off your insecurity and frustration that he won't grow up, they are PLAIN nasty. Grow your self-esteem and run for the hills. Good luck without that type of redneck in your life.
runswimmerrun runswimmerrun 3 years 14 weeks
Serious overreaction, people. I expected to read that they were taking baths together or something. Chatting, talking, being each other's best friends is nothing twisted or "too close for comfort." Don't change him. Become friends with her too, then the three of you can have fun and inside jokes together. Plus, you just adopted a sister. Could be really nice to have.
MISUNDERSTOOD1 MISUNDERSTOOD1 3 years 20 weeks
she came to visit during thanksgiving and i walked in on him slapping her on the ass and giving her a hug from behind, there are so many red flags it makes me sick. after visiting her twice he was not able to preform in bed at all and trust me that is never a problem
MISUNDERSTOOD1 MISUNDERSTOOD1 3 years 20 weeks
I have to say not overreacting my bf of 3 years just recently got back in touch with his half sister they text email talk on the phone 24/7 he flys out to visit her she comes to visit him, when she is here im not aloud to spend the night he sends me home. he has taken her out to an event that all three of us were supposed to go to but I was not aloud to go last min. he texts her while we are in bed calls her first thing every morning and every day on the way home from work. they text all day, infact we will be in the middle of a conversation an ill ask him a question and what do u know he is texting her th herand has no idea what i said. he mother even asked if he was involved romanticly with her. this is an every day thing. we can just be sitting there together watching tv and he will say i wonder what "her name" is doing. And the worst part about all of it is is that he wont tell her that im there because it upsets her....and we she and I know each other and talk occasionally. this causes numerous problems in our relationship he himself has mentioned that every one experements with their siblings sexually! what????
3 years 25 weeks
My advice is you either adapt to their relationship or if you think you cant do that run away as fast as you can and look for another man, that you will be a priority to
mollylolly mollylolly 3 years 27 weeks
My boyfriend and his sister are WAY too close as well. So I can relate to this. My bf lives with his sister who is a couple of yrs older, and his niece who is 3 and his brother in law. The brother in law works late and isn't home that much. So my bf takes on a lot of the childcare of his niece and is overly supportive and protective of both his sister and niece. They function pretty much like husband and wife! She doesn't have a car so he drives her everywhere she wants to go, and is basically a slave to her. He even says things like he would "die" for her and is constantly talking her up. I dont' need to hear that kind of mushy stuff. In fact it's actually a turn off. I got angry at him once and said "She's not your WIFE, she is just your sister". "She already has a partner, if he doesn't support her enough that is not your problem!". Basically he treats his sister and niece like princesses and is basically joined at the hip to them and i feel like I am being shut out of the picture. He has drummed into me all the time that "family comes first", which is very offensive and hurtful that I come last. Furthermore, I was hoping that after he met me he wouldn't keep living with them that much longer, but almost a year on he has just renewed his lease so is going to be living with them for another year. And he lives almost an hours drive away, *sigh*.... it has got to the point where I really dislike his sister and niece, because they interfere too much with my relationship with my bf. To be fair, i live with my family too, but only because my parents house is in a great area of the city and it is convenient and I dont' have to pay rent otherwise i would not be living with them and I am not overly dependent on my family I have boundaries, I treat my boyfriend as an equal to my family. In fact I often put him first. I love my bf, but If it continues that he is too close to his sister I just don't think it's going to work :( I want more quality time with him just the two of us, but that is near impossible when he lives with his sis and niece and we always have to eat dinner with them and he always has to drive them around etc. There just isn't enough time in the day.
fromtheheart fromtheheart 3 years 27 weeks
After I wrote about my boyfriend I began to watch his behavoir with his sister more closely...When they talk on the phone it's as if he reports to her out of feeling like his incomplete if he doesn't share with her the details of his day... This does bother me for a couple of reasons: 1) It's a turn off that he seems so dependent on her. 2) He's 40 ad still lives with roommates and hasn't met the goals he still talks about and it's almost like she mommy, because she's accomplished and independent. I wonder if his relationshipship with his siter stunts his growth in becoming an emotionally indepedent person who can take of himself nd a family...?
amandajfox amandajfox 3 years 29 weeks
One thing is clear: your boyfriend really loves AND likes his sister. If he really loved snowboarding, you'd have to deal with that. If he really loved reading comic books, you'd have to deal with that too. The longer I live, the more I realize two things. One, you can't change anybody. And two, a positive attitude is your best answer to almost every situation. I guess if you decide you love him enough to stay, then be happy about his relationship with her. If you decide you can't handle it, then move on. You are in charge of how you live your life, but you aren't in charge of how he lives his.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 3 years 29 weeks
Fromtheheart, All you can do is try to open up some communication with him. But it sounds like he doesn’t want to even try to open up any communication with you. So all you can do is make one last attempt at getting some communication going. Take this message, re-write it so it fits you, and send it to him: “I’m afraid to say it, but I am starting to feel uncomfortable around you. This is leading to bad feelings between us, and I’m wondering if we are starting to drift apart. I don’t want anything bad to come between us, and I’m sure you don’t want that to happen either. We need to pull together, work on this as a team, and get this relationship headed back in the right direction. The only way we can do this is to sit down and get some serious work done on how you and can I get along with each other better. I’m willing to put in some serious work here if you are. What do you say?”
fromtheheart fromtheheart 3 years 29 weeks
Hi Joe, I've talked to him about all of this before an how it upset me and he thinks I'm jealous of her and that their relationship is normal...
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 3 years 29 weeks
Fromtheheart, Why don't you sit down with him and tell him all the details you put into your post here?