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Saved 11/24/12 to Group Therapy

Boyfriend, Loyalties, and Disaster


First, I just want to say that I live in an area of New Jersey devastated by hurricane Sandy. My boyfriend lived on the barrier island. It has been a difficult time, but some of the problems that this disaster is highlighting are not new over the course of our 4 year relationship. He lived on the second floor of a condo that he did not own, and all his belongings ended up being fine. He has since moved into a house with a husband and wife also displaced from the island and rents a room. The people he is now living with are heavy drinkers, and he has begun mimicking their behavior and drinking daily. At this point, however - that's only a little bit of the problem.My family has a second home on the water that we rent out which was completely destroyed. I have a 70 year old father who has had to work on the house alone, because my boyfriend feels that he needs to 'Help people of the island first, and it was my parents second home and is just not a priority.' Those words are pretty much verbatim. He actually, really told me that my family and I are not a priority. Yet he constantly says how much he wants to help those affected, and will not rest until 'everyone he knows is ok'. I guess he doesn't know my family or I. It hurts very badly to know that in the clutch, my boyfriend does not care to help my father or family or even me.I have only spoken to one person about this - and she urged me not to make any rash decisions about our relationship until the disaster has past. However - I become more upset daily as his behavior continues and he does not make any effort to be with me or my family. His entire weekends are spent helping people he barely had contact with over the course of our relationship. I would have thought I meant more to him - but I apparently do not.There is also another problem that is dwarfed in comparison - though yet another issue that has risen. Boyfriend's new place is across the street from the girlfriend of one of his friends. His friend is staying with her, because his house was also ruined. This guy's girlfriend texts, Facebooks, and touches my boyfriend in front of me. Boyfriend has taken to going over there when I am at work - and it bothers me beyond belief for a couple of reasons. In the first place - I don't trust the girl. In the second place - boyfriend goes over there and hangs out with her family and his friend, which feels like yet another stab at me, because my family is so low on his list.My family has never done anything to boyfriend. They housed him happily for a full week after the storm, and have bought him whatever he needed and treated him very well.I don't know what to do anymore.Any advice?

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Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 1 year 42 weeks
To be honest with you I probably wouldn't appreciate that type of behavior from a boyfriend either. I can completely understand why you are upset, must feel a bit like his loyalty isn't exactly with you. Especially with his new girl friend and her family being important to visit. I can imagine though that this may be a bit of a hard time and maybe he isn't thinking straight. I agree with what your friend said you should wait before you make any decisions and see how things are later. I wouldn't cop it though.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 43 weeks
I can't say it any better than Kurniakasih. He's showing you who he is....believe him.....believe what he's showing you. It sounds to me as though this isn't a huge shock, more of the culmination of four years with some kind of issue or other to deal with. So, you have a decision to make.....to accept what you can't change, and to keep it in your life....or not. best of luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 43 weeks
We learn the most about our spouses/ partners during time of hardship. Now you know what will happen in the matter of disaster. I'm not going to criticize your bf's choice; but you have to accept that it is the way he is. You know what you are and how you're going to handle things as well, now with this new info about your bf's choice and behavior, do you think that you guys are still compatible? Do you think you can accept his way of prioritizing in the future? In every relationship, turmoil/obstacles happen more than once. This is really your decision to make. Good luck.