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Saved 12/17/12 to Group Therapy

Christmas gifts...am I wrong?


My boyfriend insists on buying me a Christmas gift. I don't want one, because I recently lost my job and can't afford to buy him one and him buying me one would make me feel worse and not better. Also, my priorities have changed. I just don't care for material things anymore. We are in the same field, so there's that element of competition too. As well, since I lost my job he has been financially supporting me and I feel that is enough, a gift is totally unnecessary.  I told him I would rather him commit to doing something that would make me happy, i.e. remember dates in his calendar and helping me plan our social schedules instead of relying on me doing it all the time. Pride aside, at the crux of it, receiving a gift from him would NOT make me happy, yet he insists on giving me one because he wants to give me a gift. Isn't the point of Christmas to do or give something that you know will make the other person happy? He wants to buy me a gift to make himself happy for having given me something. So really it's more for him than for me. I realize you could say the same about me--just accept the gift because you know it'll make him happy. But I don't think the magnitude of his happiness at giving me a gift would be more than the magnitude of how unhappy/uncomfortable it would make me. Am I wrong?

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missmaryb missmaryb 1 year 39 weeks
I think you should let him buy you the gift. He wants to see your face light up and know that he made you smile during this difficult time. So you can't afford a really nice return gift...if he's a great boyfriend, he won't be expecting one. Make him a romantic dinner, bake him cookies, make a cd of his favorite songs, write him a cool poem...something sweet and inexpensive to show him that you love him. Good luck, hope you find a job soon.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 1 year 39 weeks
I can understand why you're being so negative, not just about gift-giving but about your boyfriend too, since you lost your job. But you need to snap out of it. You want the gift of your bf remembering calendar dates and planning out both of your social schedules? Well that's probably not gonna happen. I'm sure there are things he does that you don't do, and they probably annoy him a teensy bit. But you must understand that under ordinary circumstances these trivial issues would be only minor annoyances, but under the pressure of losing your job, these trivial issues have suddenly become HUGE issues. "He wants to buy me a gift to make himself happy for having given me something." Wow, you really think that way? How about, he's happy by making you happy, and he thinks that the way to make you happy is by getting you a nice, thoughtful gift. If the thought of giving a material gift irks you so badly, then compromise and make each other home-made gifts. There. Compromise. That's not so bad. Gift-giving is about the thought...that you care so much about the recipient that their joy is your joy. Their disappointment is your disappointment. So stop being a negative nancy and saying you "just don't care for material things anymore." Oh really? Then give away your smartphone, tablet, laptop, starbucks coffee, pretty clothes, makeup, etc. But I don't think that's true. Again, you're down in the dumps because you recently lost your job and now because of that everything and everyone looks a lot more negative to you than they really are. Even the concept of gift-giving, which is a pretty awesome thing because it's a way you can show how much you care about someone- not by buying them an extravegant gift, but by getting them something thoughtful and meaningful, even if it's homemade. "We are in the same field, so there's that element of competition too." Well, there shouldn't be. I doubt your bf views it that way. It's unhealthy in a relationship to view things that way. It's not you vs. him. It's not 'he does better than I do.' There are no winners or losers when you're in a relationship. That would be mean and a self-esteem sapper. Anyway, the most important things to take away from this are: learn and understand that your negative mentality on these issues is not how you truly feel OVERALL. You're just sad and upset that you lost your job. Work on getting over that. Apply to a gazillion jobs. It'll be difficult, but not impossible. Work out, socialize, go do free things, etc. Focus on being happy so you can stop viewing people and things so negatively. And talk to your bf about compromising on gifts. Say that you want to make homemade gifts. You can make anything- coupons for whatever things (i.e. massages, talk time, etc), a photo book, etc. You don't need to spend a fortune to make your bf happy. Case in point: I bought my bf a shiny new expensive tablet as well as a plush animal that looks like our beloved pet. Guess which one he loved more? The plush. That thing cost me like $10, and he's going crazy having fun teasing our pet with it, and bringing it with him on trips and such. He hasn't even touched the shiny new expensive tablet yet. Oh well, I suppose I'll be using it then.