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Saved 11/17/12 to Group Therapy

Distance Dilemma and What Does it All Mean?


I am moving back to the state where my boyfriend is, not sure yet if I will be a two hours drive away or in the same general area as him yet. Anyway we have been having a tough time at the whole long distance thing. He was really hurt when I left and took it personally (a fact i only learned after the damage was done). I left to go to school and now that semester is over I'm onto a career. He had a rough childhood always being left behind so he clammed up he tries to protect himself from being hurt and shuts off communication and feeling. Anyway we both hate the phone so long distance isn't good for us, but I am mending fences, when I visited him recently I told him he couldn't keep ignoring me I wanted it to work but I needed his help and he agreed and said he loved me and wanted me to come back and it would be great. So we had an amazing weekend together and I left feeling really good. That was about 2 weeks ago give or take and hes back to ignoring again, I only have a month until I am back in his state, doing my own thing and super happy about having a career and hoping to work on things. In the meantime I can't help but thinking that he is just waiting for me to dump him, he gives really confusing messages on what he wants to happen and I feel like I should just tell him I'm over it and see him when I see him. He has told me he wants to raise things together and live together again, but he also said I am more invested than he is and e wont be driving back and forth if I live far away. He is my best friend so I feel like I can tell him anything but I also don't want to call it quits forever. He said he only feels this ways because of the distance and that I really hurt him but I wonder if there is anyway to get him back to his sweet sensitive self. What do I do?

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henna-red henna-red 1 year 42 weeks
For any relationship to work, there has to be effort made on both sides. It sounds to me as though he is somewhat immature, and is demanding that you make the effort, while he sits back and lets you. "back to his sweet, sensitive, self". Believe his behavior. Believe what he's showing you. He is whom he is right now. I doesn't matter if he was some perfect for you persona when everything was different, in the past.......now, at this time, he is petulant, he ignores you, he sends mixed messages, he holds it against you that you did something for yourself that didn't involve making him the first priority in your life. Education is education, and sometimes it takes partners in geographicaly different directions. That's life. As Donna says, keeping a long distance relationship together is very difficult, a lot of work, and both partners have to be willing to do that work. If they're not......the relationship won't be successful. The answer to your question....."what can you do....." nothing. His behavior is his choice. He has to make that choice. If you're not getting what you need from this relationship, from this man, then you tell him that. He's certainly telling you that he doesn't like what's going on...with his actions. Always, always, always believe a person's actions. And when actions and words don't match up......don't listen to what that person says....only to what they do. Good luck girl, with him, or with moving on. take care
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 1 year 43 weeks
The fact of the matter is that you two live far apart from each other. You both have your own lives in two different places that are far apart. Of course long distance relationships are hard that is why they don't have a good reputation for working out. Your boyfriend needs to accept the fact that you have a life somewhere else, and that is where your school and your career is. He agreed to be with you, despite the long distance between you both and he should not take it personally when you leave. A lot of people will probably tell you that long distance never works out but personally I know it can work out it has done so in my experience. My then boyfriend and now husband, and I lived a whole 24 hour flight apart from each other. Sometimes we used to have to spend 4 months apart at a time. The last time it happened I decided it wasn't going to happen again and moved in with him. All I can say is that yes it is hard and that you both need to be on the same page for it to work. Relationships are hard as it is but when you have a huge distance between you both it is even harder, and communication is very important. Why can't you both come to an agreement that you take turns in visiting each other, maybe set a date once a week, that you will both see each other. That way you both put the effort in equally. I think if the relationship is to work, there really needs to be communication between you both and you need to be planning ahead for the future. Long distance can work it just takes a lot more effort and care. Good luck!. Wish you the very best.