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Saved 11/13/12 to Group Therapy

Do I NEED to be his girlfriend??


I have been involved with James for about 7 months now. We spend day and night together or talking every day. We have grown incredibly close and both say "I love you" on a daily basis. When we are apart, he constantly send "I miss you" texts. When he is out of town for work he mails me gifts/souvenirs from whatever city he is in. He adores me and I adore him. NOW- the problem....I want him to officially be called my "boyfriend"- I know its just a label, but you girls understand how important that is. He says entering an official "relationship" would be the end, that would be when things get bad. I know he has a terrible romantic history and so do I. He is dead set against it yet he won't let me go. We have been down this road before a few months ago- where I insist on a relationship and we have a huge ordeal only for me to go right back to him the next day. Well, last night we went down this road again and I told him I MUST have time apart. We got really in depth about things and he says I am "throwing him away" when I feel its HIM throwing me away since he won't do the one thing he KNOWS I need to be happy yet wants me to stick around. I told him all the things I think a relationship is. HE insists we already have all those things together. So then why won't he be my boyfriend? I am so utterly confused and I just KNOW he won't honor my no contact thing and will contact me today- even if its just an email to ask how I am. I really just do not know what to do. I feel I am losing my best friend because of my pride and I feel horrible. At the same time, if I stick around I feel I am just constantly beating myself up with worry that he just will one day meet someone else who he DOES deem worthy for a relationship and then my heart will shatter even more. Should I stay away from him or what should I do?? PLEASE HELP. My heart is breaking.

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kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 43 weeks
Good luck!! :)
soar101 soar101 1 year 43 weeks
Thank you! So far so good. He seems to be really stepping up to the plate...but we will see. :)
henna-red henna-red 1 year 43 weeks
Good luck with the expanding boundaries :)
soar101 soar101 1 year 43 weeks
UPDATE- after a couple days of me doing "no contact" since he is unable to give me what I want...he decides to do it. He is now my boyfriend. Today was beautiful. We will see how it goes.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 44 weeks
You have behavior to base your decisions on. You don't need anything else. Hope that the behavior will change must be based on actually seeing his behavior change. Have you ever seen any of that?
totygoliguez totygoliguez 1 year 44 weeks
Relationships are about give and take; however, we all as individuals have what's call the "non negotiables" things we want. For example, I know that I don't want to have children. That's my no compromising, and it won't be fair for me to expect the other person to be with me if he wants those things. For you, it's having a formal title, and if that's what you want, you shouldn't compromise it. If he can't give you what you want, then he is not the right person for you. From what I read. He is being selfish and not treating you right. The way I see it, if you're with a person who can't give you the things you want( the non negotiables) then it's time to leave because you're missing opportunites of finding people who can give you those things.
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
I know you girls are right and I need to block him. Am I being incredibly naive to believe he MAY come around and realize what we have together. He wrote me today and said "You can call me your boyfriend" however didn't add he will call me his girlfriend. Its all just too weird. I wish it could all just be easy.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 44 weeks
I agree with kurniakasih, block him. This is, again, a problem of his, that he doesn't respect your desires, your boundaries, your definitions. He is the one who says No to "relationship" and labels like "boyfriend." That means he doesn't have the rights, or the considerations due to him that a more committed partner would be entitled to. You'll have to clean and clear your space so that you can clean and clear your head about what you want, and how and why, and with whom. best of luck
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
thanks kurniakasih. I think that is what I am going to have to do.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 44 weeks
Soar, block him. Sometimes that is necessary to do. Sad, but necessary. You've told him that you don't want contact to move on, but he won't listen to you. So blocking him, and radio silence would be the answer (unfriend/unfollow/etc if you're on the same social network). I had to do that to a few of my exes too because they were not respecting the boundaries, we weren't a couple/a 'unit' anymore and I would tell them that I couldn't transition into friendship when I was trying to move on from the relationships. Most of them were respectful and a few are very disrespectful and borderline arrogant (like James here) so yes, blocking them and cutting them off completely (no response) is what works. Show you are serious to moving on by your action (or in this case, no action/response from your part). Good luck.
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
Thank you so much for these replies ultramagnetic and hanna red. and yes there are always risks with a label or not. things are getting even sticker- he has been messaging nonstop and will not respect my need for time and space. In fact he wrote me today to say how depressed he is, how confused he is etc......basically looking for me to console HIM. I am more confused than ever about everything.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 44 weeks
Hi Soar. I have to agree with you and with Kurnia's advice. Relationships are two way streets. We each need what what we need, and for a partner to just stand back and negate your need is wrong. Labels, are about defininitions, expectations and boundaries. They are how we know where we are in our lives and how we let everyone else around us know our status. You're wanting to solidify your status in your relationship is completely reasonable. I also agree that you're doing the right thing, by taking some time and space. We all get hurt by failed relationships, and it makes us all resistant to getting hurt again. But risk is what stepping into a new relationship is about, and you don't get all the great stuff without putting up the collateral.....the risk of loss. That's life. Guys and gals who don't want to engage in that risk, who are up front about who they are and what they want, need to learn to find each other out.....but that rarely seems to happen. It always seems to be that these folks who aren't willing to put it all on the line want to take from their partners everything they want, leave everything they don't, and they have an uncanny instinct for finding partners who want the more....leaving that partner unhappy and frustrated. So I agree.....if he isn't willing to meet you about your needs, and will only insist on his own definition, his own restrictions, then it's time face the pain of seperation, and let him understand what his lack of risk, his lack of meeting you half way means. And I also agree with you, girl, that his text is pretty arrogant. Not a lovely incentive to bring a loved one around. best of luck and love to you
ultramagnetic74 ultramagnetic74 1 year 44 weeks
The need to have an official title just seems to smack of insecurity. So even if everything else is going great, the general consensus is that if he doesn't give you the title of girlfriend then he is giving himself an "out" for the relationship? Why would the title prevent him from breaking up with you and leaving the relationship?   I just haven't heard or don't see what the title really means to you, but again, it seems to be rooted in a sense of insecurity with the relationship ... even when things are going well and even though it doesn't really guarantee anything relationshipwise.   Sounds like a miserable "glass half-full" situation to be in, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
Thanks guys. Wow this just hurts to much. And he hasn't left me alone since I asked for no contact. In fact just 15 min ago he emailed me and said, "Face it, neither of us is going anywhere." which I think was pretty damn cocky of him. Rachel, you are right...I deserve more like you deserve more. And maybe when we are gone these guys will realize what they had.
Rachel3481024 Rachel3481024 1 year 44 weeks
At ultramagnetic, i think you have a great point! But a relationship is about compromise, if a title is important to your partner and will IMPROVE/increase her happiness, why not give her the title? After all, what difference will it make for you when youre already having a good meal? My guy and i compromised in that i gave him about 3 years of no title relationship! Afterwards i felt like it was time for him to show me that he was also willing to take my feelings into consideration and just give us a simple title.What boggles me is why is it so difficult to call someone you "love" and "miss so much" your girlfriend? Unless there are some underlying issues, then i really cannot find a rational reason to explain the hesitation with moving forward. Even through your comment ,ultramagnetic, I can sense that your underlying issue is commitment: fear that your girl will want even more. This is a natural and understandable fear but nothing good communication cannot solve. If a guy really does not see a future with his girl, then he should let her go. It becomes selfish when the guy ends up getting his meal but is unwilling to pay for it. Finally, do not underestimate a girls intuition! I followed mine and realized that my guy actually wanted to explore more. I am defintely not generaliZing my case to all guys but that is just my 2 cents.
Rachel3481024 Rachel3481024 1 year 44 weeks
At ultramagnetic, i think you have a great point! But a relationship is about compromise, if a title is important to your partner and will IMPROVE/increase her happiness, why not give her the title? After all, what difference will it make for you when youre already having a good meal? My guy and i compromised in that i gave him about 3 years of no title relationship! Afterwards i felt like it was time for him to show me that he was also willing to take my feelings into consideration and just give us a simple title. What boggles me is why is it so difficult to call someone you "love" and "miss so much" your girlfriend? Unless there are some underlying issues, then i really cannot find a rational reason to explain the hesitation with moving forward with the person you care about. Even through your comment ,ultramagnetic, I can sense that your underlying issue is commitment: fear that your girl will want even more. This is a natural and understandable fear but nothing good communication cannot solve. If a guy really does not see a future with his girl, then he should let her go. It becomes selfish At ultramagnetic, i think you have a great point! But a relationship is about compromise, if a title is important to your partner and will IMPROVE/increase her happiness, why not give her the title? After all, what difference will it make for you when youre already having a good meal? My guy and i compromised in that i gave him about 3 years of no title relationship! Afterwards i felt like it was time for him to show me that he is willing to take my feelings into consideration and just give us a simple title! Why is it so hard to just call the girl you "love" "miss so much" your girlfriend? Unless there are some underlying issues, then i cannot find a rational reason to explain why moving forward with the person you care about is so difficult. Even through your comment ,ultramagnetic, I can sense that your underlying issue is commitment: fear that your girl will want even more! This is a natural and understandable fear but i feel like if a guy really does not see a future with the girl, then he should let her go. It becomes selfish when the guy ends up getting his meal but not paying something in return. Finally, do not underestimate a girls intuition! I followed mine and realized that my guy actually wanted to explore more. I am defintely not generaliZing my case to all guys but that is just my 2 cents.
Rachel3481024 Rachel3481024 1 year 44 weeks
At ultramagnetic, i think you have a great point! But a relationship is about compromise, if a title is important to your partner and will IMPROVE/increase her happiness, why not give her the title? After all, what difference will it make for you when youre already having a good meal? My guy and i compromised in that i gave him about 3 years of no title relationship! Afterwards i felt like it was time for him to show me that he is willing to take my feelings into consideration and just give us a simple title! Why is it so hard to just call the girl you "love" "miss so much" your girlfriend? Finally, Do not underestimate a girls intuition! I followed mine and realized my guy actually wanted to explore more. I am defintely not generaliZing my case to all guys but that is just my 2 cents.
ultramagnetic74 ultramagnetic74 1 year 44 weeks
So what happens after he calls you his girlfriend? Will you kick in to some other gear? Will you next be asking why he won't make you his fiance ... and then "when will you make me your wife?"  I think if you could explain why it' so important  then perhaps he may do it. But you don't even seem to be able to explain it yourself  beyond some seemingly irrational gut feeling.   Haven't you learned by now, us guys don't operate like that (in general)? If you want us to do something make a rational, reasoned request. If i was your boyfriend and things were/are otherwise going well, i wouldn't change things unless you gave me a reason. Why? Because to me it sounds like you are actually unhappy in some regard and are using this as a ruse to move our relationship into other areas I may not want it to go.   For guys, if it's evening and we are served a meal and it's good, what difference does it make if you call it dinner or supper.   If your relationship really is good in all other areas, well just go with it and stop looking to screw things up based on your "gut."
Rachel3481024 Rachel3481024 1 year 44 weeks
story of my life. I don't think I could have said it any better! Honestly, I am going through the SAME exact situation as you right now. I feel like I am losing my best friend as well but I have come to realize that a guy, if he really truly wants you all to himself, he would make you his girlfriend. After going "down the road" countless times with my guy, he finally told me that while he finds me AMAZING and an INTEGRAL part of his life...he admits to being selfish because he does want to keep his options open still. The truth can be heartbreaking but you owe yourself a relationship if that's what you want. Don't trick yourself into thinking that you are okay without having the title if that is something important to you! You deserve the best!
My-Advice My-Advice 1 year 44 weeks
What YOU want does count....and you are not being unreasonable. If you are looking to build a future with someone (and I'm guessing you are), then you owe it to YOURSELF to pursue what YOU want. It sounds like being in a committed relationship is something you look forward to and desire. He doesn't sound like he is interested in that.  My advice to you is to start dating other guys. Not for spite or to get his attention, but because this man has made it clear that he does not want a committed relationship. Believe him. James is getting all the benefits of a relationship without actually having to commit to one. It shouldn't work that way. His needs are not more important than your own.   Tell him YOUR truth from a position of strength. Tell him you realize he is not interested in a committed relationship, but you are. Tell him you realize you won't get what you want or need by spending more time or energy with him, therefore you have decided to date other people. Remember, the more time you spend with some who is wrong for you is the less time you have to find and be with the one who is right for you!     Just My Advice
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
Thank you. YES this is exactly what I keep telling him he makes me feel like.....that its not he is not ready to commit...its ME he isn't ready to commit to and as soon as he meets one he deems "worthy" all his commitment phobe mess is out the window. He insists that isn't true but I suspect it is. If in fact it is not, then me standing my ground and not having contact with him will make him miss me and realize what an idiot he is. It was just night before last I told him I want no contact. and then he writes me yesterday saying "I don't like not talking to you. This is awful and horrible." so only time will tell what will come of this.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 44 weeks
You need to be honest with yourself, what makes YOU content and secure. For 7 months you've done it his way, was acting like a couple but NOT a couple. And obviously this doesn't make you content/secure. Ask yourself this, would you be happy in a year when you guys are NOT in a relationship still? Will you be ok after years, if he was asked point-blank by, a family member (your mom or his mom) if you guys are going to get married soon etc (yes, some relative can be THAT nosy), and he answers that he's not even your bf? I've dated a similar guy who sprung the same concept as your bf, and it didn't fly with me so I didn't date him anymore (too bad, he was fun, and affectionate, and overall really cool person, we got along really well). Then he went on a trip to Europe, fell madly in love and got over his fear of label/commitment and within the year got married to the girl he met on his trip! LOL. Wth was that about?! I joked to him about it sometimes, he got married even earlier than I was for someone who thought bf-gf relationship is a kiss of death. So I deduced when he was dating me, he was in that phase (after all failed relationships, not being able to commit, etc) so he was not ready to commit period so I was that 'non-gf' woman for him (or not the 'one' if you want to use that label); but then, when he was ready/fell madly in love, boom, the fear of commitment = gone. I'm not saying this one is not crazy for you or infatuated or care about you a great deal, he's in that phase, I suspect. I actually agree with your current decision. Perhaps one day you guys meet again and he may have gotten over his fear of label or he may still be the same, but either way, by then you won't be wasting your time(and staying longer will make it difficult to leave even when you're miserable). Good luck.
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
I believe the ONLY answer is to stop settling for less.. Otherwise they will never give us what we need as we are letting them have their cake and eat it too. We are worth so much more than that!
dilemmadilemma dilemmadilemma 1 year 44 weeks
This is my life right now.  I wish I had an answer as well!
soar101 soar101 1 year 44 weeks
No, he is not keeping me hidden from anyone.He is very proud to be seen with me. And a few mutual friends have referred to us as a couple in front of him and he didn't dispute them. Its just a thing for me that when I ask him to say boyfriend, he says no. He's had bad relationships and seems to view relationships as kiss of death. But for the most part sees we in fact ARE in a relationship. It IS all weird.