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Rose Iphone 5 Case
Saved 11/24/12 to Group Therapy

Driving me Crazy

I come from a traditional family where women get married before 25. I am 28 and just broke off a promissing engagement. everyone used to think I'll live happily ever after. I am my mom's only child and her one and only dream for me is to have a husband and childeren.
She used to even cry for my being single before I met my ex fiance, and I was only 25 back then!
All she can talk about right now is how I'm going to be unhappy and miserable for the rest of my life.
I should mention that she is having a health problem, the kind that must be attended by a relative always. it is kind of a mental- health problem where she get fobiac at nights and passes out or her blood pressure races really high.
I can't trust her with a nurse and her health advisors think that she is best and more comfortable with me. AND I AM NOT GOING TO DENY THE WOMAN WHO RAISED ME AND GAVE ME  LOVE THE CARE SHE NEEDS JUST BECAUSE SHE NAGGS TO ME!
another problem, I am a self employer. i.e: I work at home. I have tried to work in different places but I can't afford to rent a studio or have my own place. so I am home every hour every day and it does not help with my mom's constant nagging!

I am really, really tired. now that she knows I suffer from the break up she has tuned down the nagging, but still, she says what she has to say! If it were up to me, I would stay single for a LONG, LONG time. but this is driving me nuts. and I do feel sorry for her. I don't want her to be deprived from her one and only wish. she says I always fear for you, fear that I die and you stay alone and single! and no matter how much I reason her, tell her that I am happy and content and I have so many friends, it does not work with her. she says having a husband is much different than having a friend or career!

Obviously I cannot change her whole perspective and idea. she has lived with it for almost 50 years. and I just hate to fail again. I hate to meet the wrong man and fail in being truly happy just because I have to be with someone. I want to remove this high pressure, this stress, that it is getting late. Sometimes I wish I lived alone and really did not have parents and could be as I want, a free person...
I love my mom, but she is driving me crazy.

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henna-red henna-red 3 years 25 weeks
Great advice from Kurnia. And I agree.....loving your mom, and having a financial lack, doesn't mean spending 24/7 with her. At some point, there has to be some seperation, so that you can be sane. I think it's also important for you look at your attitude around "failing" in a relationship. I think, if you've found that this past relationship wasn't working, and you broke it off, you didn't fail. How miserable would it be to have gone ahead and married this man, and then had a terrible marriage.....that would be failure. what you have done is recognize what you need and don't need in your life, and to trust your judgement around it. That is not failure. It's always hard to have a traditional parent and culture with one set of values and expectations, and then a personal set of values and expectations for yourself that don't correlate exactly with your parents'. But you can't live your life for your parent. You love her, and you're there for her, in her health issue, but sacrificing your entire existence to her exact goals for you will never make you happy. it's a tightrope. I live with my sister, who has physical disabilities, and chronic illness, and I don't find it to be a sacrifice....but there are limits to some things that weren't there, again, I agree with Kurnia, it's important for you to have some time and space to yourself, for yourself. It's important for both of need to refresh yourself. Perhaps that means having another family member spend time with your mom during the day, at times. If your mom's critical time is at night, then give yourself some break during the day.....and give her some alternative company, and distraction away from you, during her non critical time. An hour a day, away from the house, even if it's just a walk or sitting in the park, with a friend or with yourself in the quiet, can be serious r&r. Remember, in order to take care of your mom, you must take care of yourself! If you give all of you away, there will soon be nothing left to anyone, including yourself. So don't feel guilty, be good to yourself, and you'll both profit. take good care.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 3 years 26 weeks
That somewhat sounds like my mother. And your mum, if she's like my mum, will not change. Sorry, just a head-up here. And when you have the grandchildren she wants, watch how everything you're doing as a parent is not good enough. LOL. :) I'm sure you can have a serious discussion, sit her down, tell her all how you're feeling, share your thoughts with her. Go for it. But in my experience, if she's like my mum, she'd turn up the guilt trip on (it can include mum in sobbing mode, etc) :p and then I felt even worse after the talks (I've had more than 1 talk about nagging and boundaries and asking her for respect in regard of being an adult and my decision to be single/date with my mum--this was back then). Then I realize that only I can change how I feel/think. I did learn to tune her out somewhat. Filtered it out. Try to just remember the good positive advice and not take to heart too much of the negative (Idk about your mum, but my mum has always been negative). You probably have to make the sacrifice to possibly share an office space/rent out or go to even public place like the library or coffee houses for at least a couple/few times a week. Or tell your mother your hour of work, and treat it like an office, tell her that during for example 8 to 5 daily, you are not to be bothered. Dress up as if you're going to work during this time, I work from home too part time, and I may not be wearing pantsuit, but I wear somewhat 'dressed up' outfit, part of motivating myself and letting my husband know that during that time, I'm going to spend it working. Invest in a good lock and a good headphone/ear plugs too. Living at home is super tricky, I know, I've been where you are esp. after I broke it off with my ex and was laid off for awhile (not fun). And yes, it's only better when you do have separation of space (in my case, got married and have my own kids). Another way out is to earn enough to move out, live your own life, get a roomie if you can't afford it. Not too far away (b/c you seem to want to still take care of her) but enough space to not get the relationship to fester. Good luck.