IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?
I broke up 2 months ago. It was a best buds into love birds relationship. I can't say it was always just friendship because i had a little crush on him in 10th grade, but got over it soon enough and he liked me for two years before i accepted him.
So, initially it was good. Sweet.
He is an emotionally closed person... and he was opening up slowly to me.. but i think my constant nagging.. neediness and abusiveness drove him away like a scared puppy. And ,ade him lose the respcet for me.
He wasn't open about us with all his friends, just the close ones...that bothered me as all were girls and some hit on him too. I was a pit of insecurity and jealousy, and little by little he kept taking me less seriously each day.
My biggest fault was my language. I would abuse a girl who sent him hearts on chat or a girl who put up a profile picture with him or any one who told him that she was on her period, and he got sick of it. He took me for granted too. It drove me crazy. I would have dumped him soon after first sign of that, but his being the closest friend of mine stopped me always.
I have a history of emotional hurt with most of the people i have trusted, cheated me or left me, laughed at me, even family.. and some how i think that the problem is me...somewhere it is i think.
Well.. after a year and more of this, even i got sick of all this and decided to take a month or so break, the moment i did, he was all on knees... it was almost same again but once again we fought and he stopped talking.The break up was brutal. But i could see he was glad.
He left me alone for a few days but then again calling at nights, talking like best buds continued. I don't want it but i can't seem to let it go. Sometimes i feel he tests me, making me jealous and everything.. to see how i will react. If i don't react jealous he tends to be attracted and if i do he gets complacant like i am where he wants me.
I understand this and i am nuetral with this matter, kind of. But i am not able to hold it for long, sometimes i crack and it all comes rushing back
I know he feels something even now, he believes that if i stay as friends with him i will get over this insecurity. "special friends".
Even i know i need so much mending in me. My self esteem, my Confidence, my trust, everything is completely shattered. He is also emotionally damaged. But he has a much stronger will power and i have 0.
I want it to work out, some day. If it has to. Months, years. I'm up for it if it does. But i have to get over all of the bad things and work on me and only me.
But sometimes i lose it.. i start crying and begging and hurting myself. While talking i would be saying that "being friends is cool" and the next i'll be crying and asking him to give another try. To which he answers, i will not be able to handle a relationship again. It happened last night. I am a mess still. I want to stop that. All the mess i become. If i could stop that, it'll all be easier for both of us. Help.