Spoon Full of Sugar
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Saved 8/06/09 to Spoon Full of Sugar

Essential Motherhood

Bear FunBear FunCan you remember that gentle kicking which caused you to sit and wonder about the infinite possibilities of that life you once carried so close to your heart?

Of course there were the times the kicks became a great source of pain and discomfort and we greatly anticipated the time when our bodies would once again become our own. It was a belief never realized until our children often reached the age of five or so, at a time when we had forgotten ourselves for far too long.

Motherhood does not end; it merely evolves and changes our lives in different ways over time. There was the time we never could go to the bathroom alone, and then the time we sat worried as we sent them to the bathroom alone.

That first day of school was far more traumatic to us than it ever was for our kids. My daughter was up at 3 a.m., fully dressed and insisting it was time to leave for school. Today I have to go in and literally push her out of bed for high school.

I remember the day I sat in my bedroom pouting and saying that famous phrase we all have uttered. It always began with, “When I am a Mom I will never do/say/expect ‘BLANK’ to my kids!” Then, of course, years later I found myself doing or saying exactly what I swore I never would do. Yikes, where did that come from? I called my mother to tell her what I had just said and she laughed. We have all been there.

I remember hearing this threat: “If you keep making that face you will be cross-eyed for life.” As an infant my daughter actually had several surgeries to correct her cross-eyed condition which she was born with. I admit I wondered if she suffered because of the many times I ignored that threat from my mother.

Part of being a mom is perfecting being irrational at times. It is silly but we do tend to blame ourselves for everything—and it often has nothing to actually do with us.

Now I find myself yearning for that child that once was captivated by my stories and demanding all the time I had. She has grown up and it often appears that I am the last person on her agenda.

I know this is normal but it also confirms that I have grown along with her. I am not ready to let go while she cannot wait to be free of me. Do mother birds yearn for their young ones while marveling at how successful they are when they take flight?

I am convinced that they do.

Sitting home in the dark knowing I should go to bed but cannot find sleep there, I find new appreciation for all the times my mother must have sat in the dark while I was out on a date. We know what we did when we were young, daring, and mislead to believe that life would never bring us emotional pain. We want to protect them and keep them from that pain but know without a doubt that very pain will arrive whether we try to prepare them for it or not.

Life does not follow our desires as it takes us on its own unique and bumpy path we never suspect.

Looking in my high school yearbook someone had wrote, “If you love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be.” Now a mom, I interpret that saying in so many different ways; many I never would have considered so long ago when I was asking friends to write silly things in my yearbook. Wow, it feels like that happened not so long ago.

I remember seeing the great big world and wanting to go feel it, touch it, and become a part of it. Rarely did that vision include my parents. I remind myself how in my own youth I looked beyond parents for possibilities.

Over the past couple of years my mother and I have had some really interesting conversations. We recognized the apprehension and growing pains we felt as our children had grown and pulled away from us. That mother bird knows that the young eventually return to the nest and then eventually builds their very own nest close by.

Life has a way of bringing us back with new eyes to see those that we so often dismissed in our quest for independence and appreciate beyond any definition the impact they had on our life.

My mother and I share stories and laughter. We look at many things together and see possibilities for adventures we never thought possible. Comparing notes and observations we find and appreciate each other’s insight. Life has come full circle and I admire my mom for all the things I once was so critical of.

Now my best friend in the whole world, I find I cannot possibly get enough of her time.

First published April 2009

cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 27 weeks
Gosh...I still think about how tiny they once were, how they smelled, coo and smiled---then with heavy heart think of the things in life I wish I could protect them from which I can't. When the "I KNOW" monster has them firmly in its grip, I remind myself of the time it also had me grasped within that same thought process...and still tempted to say "I know" once in a while. We can never "know" everything and it humbles us.
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
So true cheeky! :true: :cry:
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
This article meant a lot to me and is deeply personal. Motherhood does change relationships. I don't think an adoptive mom is exempt from these feelings. While they may not have felt a baby kicking, they have felt the stirring of deep need for a child which I believe is a deep and very personal experience as well. Some of my patients who are adopting worry about bonding with a baby because they didn't actually give birth to them. It is a natural concern but a worry they shouldn't spend time on. They will go through the same pains as any other parent when faced with letting go of that child as they grow. No body is ever prepared for that and it is indeed difficult. Letting them go has to be the hardest thing ever. You just spent an entire lifetime (it feels that way) trying to protect them, your world evolves around them, and then ultimately you have to let them go so they can fall. Falling is part of the growing process. Fearing they are hurt in the process is the real pain of parenting. We try to look away but we can't. Watching it is like torture sometimes. Having been there-but they won't listen. They have to find their way all by themselves. Parenting is not for whimps.
PinkNC PinkNC 6 years 28 weeks
Cool post Cheeky!
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
:D Yeah that one and "Imagine whirled peas." :rotfl:
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
Yep...and I gotta get that bumper sticker too.
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Wellll, oookaayy, I have to insist now that you go get those two movies! :) I think Billy Elliot might be the best (like in awards worthy) IMHO :) . But they are both really really good!
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
Haven't seen SLiding Doors or Billy Elliot
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Have you seen all those movies I mentioned?
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Oh yeah, those are good. I love the bumper sticker, "My karma ran over my dogma." :rotfl:
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
I LOVE Ladyhawk. My husband had never seen it thinking it was simply a chick flick but he really enjoyed it. My guilty secrets: Dogma, Mystery Men, and Hook.
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Just fun stuff: Shanghi Noon, Almost Famous, Galaxy Quest, After hours (weird old 80's but funny), I could Never Be Your Woman, Ok that makes me want to put other Michelle Pfeiffer movies: Into the Night (80's), Married to The Mob (80's), LadyHawk (80's and you had to or HAVE to see that!) Dang! There were some others I was thinking of and now can't! :( My daughter is burning holes in my back w/ her eyes. She wants to get on the computer now. :) I'm going to let her. :oy: :)
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Oh I'm so glad! I love that movie! Did anyone watch it with you? Whenever I turn someone onto a movie I ask about others they might not have seen. So here's a list of a few :) and some are kinda old and I'm sure you HAVE seen some but just in case: Foreign: Chocolate (The one w/ Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp), Billy Elliot (a lot of language but I still let my daughter 14 watch it. She loved it.), A little Romance (a sweet family movie), Sliding Doors (I'm not really sure if it is a foriegn film though but oh well), Tie Me up, Tie Me Down (a good one when the kiddos go to bed ;) very young Antonio Banderras :feedme: ), Scary stuff :scared: : The Gift, The 6th Sense, Dracula (Gary Oldman & Winona Ryder; Scary and SEXY weird- I'd have fallen for him too. Have to see to know what I mean.) ok gonna start new comment in case this is too long! :rotfl:
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
I am STILLLLL laughing! Thanks for sharing this movie!
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
:rotfl: Oh I love that part Eleu! I completely forgot that Cheeky was supposed to have watched it last night! Cheeky?! Did you watch it??? Tell me pleeeease :please: what you thought! :jumpin:
Eleuthera Eleuthera 6 years 28 weeks
Any man who can watch the scene (in Love Actually) where the English caterer goes to Milwaukee armed with 2000 condoms, orders a Budweiser in a dive bar and gets...extraordinarily lucky.. and not laugh hysterically does not have an iota of testosterone. Of course my favorite is the scene where the man declares his unrequited love for the married girl via cue cards at her door. I also love it when Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister is caught ghost dancing. It is now my favorite modern Christmas comedy movie.
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Oh goody! You'll looove it!
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
Gonna go get it today on my way home. Work today is S L O W.
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Now I really want to watch it but I just lent it to someone! :cry:
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
U haven't seen Love Actually??!!! OMG Cheeky! Drop everything and go get that movie! It is soooo good! I love that movie! Can you tell w/ all my "!!!"! :rotfl: You have to tell me what you thought then too! :)
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
Wow...yet another movie I will have to go pick up! Thanks hartsfull!
hartsfull hartsfull 6 years 28 weeks
Weird thing is even some guys like it! Not mine. :rotfl: He does like some chick flicks though. He really likes Love Actually. We've watched that movie so so many times. And even when he's had other friends over (who are also the alpha male type), he's even suggested we watch that. They've liked it too!
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 28 weeks
hartsfull...I think my daughter and I will watch that this weekend! I bought it months ago but with so many "guys" in the house a chick flick is low priority.
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 39 weeks
My mom is my hero.
cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 6 years 40 weeks
Thanks tdsollog! I wrote this after my daughter's birthday. We have a tradition where each year I tell her something about herself when she was little. This year I told her about the little kicks I felt and the tears that fell when I did. She was my first successful pregnancy after many miscarriages. I also told her that those first little kicks felt much different than the twinges I feel know as she makes decisions on her own...feelings I have of worry and concern. Those are normal worries I know I cannot control or prevent. They make me appreciate on a new level what my own mother must have gone thru. I was one wild child and gave her many causes to worry.