Finding My Identity, Stud or What?
Hello Everyone, I am 29 years old and I have always known that I liked women, even b4 I knew what a lesbian was. I also found myself interested in boys, I always wondered if my intresest in men was soley due to brain washing, you know how your family preaches this whole male female thing, every book has some princess awaiting her prince charming to save her and give her that happily ever after. Once I was old enough to know that this was BS, I became completely immersed in the lesbian lifestyle through my entire high school experience. Once I left home and moved on my college campus, I was not as accepted as I was at home. For the first time in my life I ran into the "Closet". Those that were my best friends knew but I never wanted to make them feel uncomfortable so I would keep alot of my feelings for women to myself. I was always a Tom-Boy but once inside the closet I focused on being as girly as possible in order to fit in. I wanted to make my family happy and convience myself that my love for women was a phase, so I made the mistake of getting married. I love my husband but as a big brother, not a partner. Two weeks after getting hitched I realized I had made a major mistake but I was in it, so I had to follow through. From the day I said "I DO" my desire for women was the stongest I had ever experienced, I would dream of women while having sex with him, that was the only way I could get off. He would often say to me, why do you touch me and treat me like a female? Why do you act as if your the "DOM" in the relationship? At that point I noticed I was being "ME" without even realizing it. I later found out that my husband had been unfatithful our entire 7 year relationship including the 3 years of marriage. I was in no way angry with him, I WAS SOOO HAPPY. This was my way OUT without it being my fault. I then seperated from him and relocated. This is where my dilema falls.... Once back in the life, I decided to bring back the old me, appearance and all. I cut off my hair, pulled out the boyish clothes I could find, and threw away all makeup, dresses, hair weaves, and heels... I am "Stud" .... I made new friends, and created a totally new life for myself as if the past 10 years of my life did not exist. The issue with my appearance change is that I jumped in to fast without figuring everything out. The girly side of me had taken over more than I had realized, I did not give myself a chance to find balance. I instantly jumped into being stud without embrassing the feminine side of myself. Now I appear to be harder than what I am. Once you have introduced yourself to the LGBTQ Community as Stud that is whats expected of you, How do you later soften your look and not be judged for it. I dont want to seem like I cant choose a role. I am Dominant in relationships, I am boyish but I also want to soften myself a bit. I am not a man, and dont want to be. I want people to see sexy female tomboy, not stare at me trying to figure out what I am... That is my first delima... Finding Balance between the Stud and Femme in me... Second part of my drama, I fell on hard financial times and my ex/husband was more than happy to take me in and help me out until i get back on my feet and legally we are still married. My issuse is that when he introduces me he always says "My Wife" and he calls me "Baby or Boo" alot. I am use to it but ashamed of it im public. He wants me back and that is not what I want, but I am stringing him along in order to have some stablity until I can move out, (no sex of course) so you can say im living a double life and I hate it, I dont want to hurt him but I dont want to disrupt my current life... we all know that the LGBTQ communty passes judgment amongst each other the same as the str8 community does us. I dont want to be labled a Fake Dick Dyke bcuz others dont understand my story... I dont want to tell my life story to everyone... My question to you guys is how can I find balance in my appearance? and How can I handle this double life situation, its getting alot harder than I thought, and I dont want to be living in the streets bcuz I decided to tell him to stop treating me like his wife, WE WILL NEVER BE 2GETHER AGAIN I AM 100% LESBIAN.... Please help me as best you can, I would greatly appreciate it.