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Saved 4/16/08 to Group Therapy

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names When We Fight — How Do I Deal?

I understand that when people get upset they do irrational things. I believe though that when two people are close they argue to resolve the issue and to make the relationship stronger not to hurt each other's feelings in order to "win."

When my boyfriend and I get into a fight, I try to keep my cool and use phrases like, "When you do this, I feel..." or "Do you think you could meet halfway on this because..." but when he gets upset, he says things like, "I can't believe what you're doing, it's so nasty," or "Why do you have to be so cheap?" and "Oh my god, you're a nightmare, I wish I never met you."

Comments like that are obviously not constructive and all they do is hurt my feelings and make it harder for me to stay calm. After the fight is over and we're okay again, I can see that he doesn't mean what he's said, but it's still so hurtful. I've talked to him about this and while he apologizes profusely, he doesn't change — this happens every time we fight. What should I do?

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mumplus2 mumplus2 4 years 10 weeks
I know how you feel, I split up with my husband of 7yrs, sept last year after years of toleration, of his dismissive derogatory comments, according to him was supposed to be humour, but very very hurtful to me.Plus the attitude of its my way or the highway, so after so long, the highway was more attractive to me and I took it. I have been researching and reading hours of relationship literature to get my head to turn back around to loving him again as we have 2 children, and we are compatible in sooo many ways.I dont know what to do, i would love to have us all as a happy family, but my happiness is greatly compromised all the time by this behaviour and i really dont want to live the rest of my life feeling upset like that for most of the time,or any of the time.Why cant these guys remember how to be a gentleman to their wives/girlfriends.
henna-red henna-red 4 years 18 weeks
They may nobe able to help financialy, but they can help emotionaly, whci is just as impportant. Don't isolate yourself, reach out, you need all of the help you can get. And if you're just now starting the ssi then you have some time before anything comes through. I hope you're doing this with a lawyer. It's important. Have you looked into other financial aid? Assistance and food stamps. You need to look at all possibilities. Also, this guy is abusive, so perhaps looking for a women's shelter, or program specificaly for women. Also, whether you are religious or not, there are frequently outreach resources available through comunities of faith, churches, Jewish comunnity center......even if you are not part of their congregation, they can sometimes provide resources or a phone number, address for a resource. In my city 211 is the resource bank. There are things available, but you have to do the work of looking and finding. Check through free clinics, social services,social security can give you some direction. Don't despair. You've made a step by applying for ssi, and you've reached out for support. Continue with that, continue standing for yourself, and don't isolate yourself. There are people in the world who will help, who want to help if you reach out. Sometimes the reaching is the hardest thing to do. I understand feeling trapped in an abusive situation. Working your way out of it can take time. You're online, check your city for services, you can do it. I wish you love, and hope, and strength. Talk to your family. Love is more important than anything in this world, and reaching out to those who love you is critical. For them as well as you. If they love you, they need you to reach out as much as you need it, even if it's only to say I love you, and to hear I love you. blessed be
tonna tonna 4 years 18 weeks
Not to mention they are in no position to help me
tonna tonna 4 years 18 weeks
Henna, thank you so much for your response, it means alot to me.. I know your right but im scared and I am currently applyinng for SSI. My only income is from general assitance, which is only $169 a month. I have no where to go, but the way he treats me Is so bad that I some times wish my life would end. I am all alone and my kids and grandkids life in another state, they have no idea what is going on in my life because I dont want to worry them
henna-red henna-red 4 years 18 weeks
He's an abusive asshole who treats you badly. He's not going to change. If you want something different then you have to leave him and find something different. But if you don't work on your own selfesteem, you are going to end up in exactly the same situation. If you hold yourself to be a valuable person, you will not allow someone to treat you as a piece of trash. Get rid of him. You don't need him, you don't need this kind of abusive bullshit behavior. You need to make a new choice. Choose yourself. Your being bipolar is no reason for you to accept his crap. Your having low self esteem is why you're accepting this. You can do better, be better, have better if you believe it and believe in yourself, work on yourself. Choose you. Blessed be, take good care
tonna tonna 4 years 18 weeks
OH the reason I wanted everyone to know that I was bipolar he because he tells me that me being bipolar is the reason things are the way they are...He says its all my fault. He also says im crazy... I give him all the space he wants and everything, im lucky to get few hours a week of his time, and then its just watching a movie at home and even then when I try to say something about the movie he gets mad
tonna tonna 4 years 18 weeks
I hope I made sense on my post, I also wanted everyone to know that I do have bipolar, but I honestly never put down my boyfriend, if anything I just get really quite or go hide in my room to avoid him. He throws it in my face all the time that im crazy and he is always right, when he is telling me a story about something that happened at work, im afraid to respond because I never know when its ok to comment on what he is saying, without getting yelled at and us getting into an argument for me speaking out of place
tonna tonna 4 years 18 weeks
Every time my boyfriend are having a conversation and I try to get involved in what he is telling me, he yells at me and says im not listening or I am interupting him and all I am doing is showing interest in what he has to say. Also when ever we disagree about anything he gets extremly mad at me, because he is alsways right and never cares to here my thoughts on any subject. When we argue about anything he says very hurtful things and is always saying 'yup see their you go again, always the victom' which has never made sense to me. I never put him down or call him names ever... He tells me things like how much he hates his life because of me, I tell him I will just move out and then he will say he wants me to stay....He says alot of other things to me too that are very hurtful.....And when he wants me to do something that he knows im against doing he will try to bribe me and when I dont do it he says ' I get nothin' I love him but seriously dont think he will ever change... Im always depressed
FallenAlien FallenAlien 4 years 23 weeks
My boyfriend keeps making ridiculous situations out of nothing as an excuse to have a go at me. He takes actual facts which mean nothing and then dresses them up and adds feelings I don't have, things I haven't done, people who aren't there, things that didn't happen until he's got a big giant massive thing that I have done and kicks off on me, even though I haven't done this massive thing he's accusing me of. But to justify it, he says did you do the basic thing. And I say yes. Because I did. But not the dressed up version that you made up that makes it sound like I've done something wrong! So then he says that I'm denying the basic fact which I am not. And he conveniently forgets that the basic fact is nothing bad anyway. Anyway, this turns into an argument because I will not accept his dressed up nonsense. In his mind his dressed up nonsense is down on his list as an incident even though it wasn't one in the first place. He just dressed it up to make it look that way. I can't win even though I do not want to be in a win lose situation in the first place. I have just been defending myself. He calls me names when I won't accept his nonsense. Nasty names. And he uses personal things in my life he knows I'm sensitive about against me in exactly the right way for maximum hurt. When I walk away unable to take more, he'll follow me and just say random nasty things to me or call me nasty names. All this when I have actually done nothing in the first place except defend myself against his ridiculous dressed up scenarios. He says sorry the next day and that it is his own insecurity that causes it. But there's always a next time, and all the so called incidents get raked back up again, despite the fact they are still matters of no concern dressed up to sound like I've done something wrong. He says I don't listen but he's said the same things over and over again, he's screamed them into my face! I can't help but listen! I think he means I won't accept his dressed up incidents. But I never will because they are not true and I am not the person in his made up scenarios and will not be treated as such. There's no hope is there? He's gonna keep doing it and keep doing it. We have a son and he says that me telling him to go because I can't stand being bullied over and over for something I haven't done and treated like dirt is me taking our son away from him which is not true. He's driving himself away. But no it's my fault. I should just put up with it or I'm taking his son away! Please advise me. My head has gone travelling to la la land. It was fed up of all the nonsense but I need to sort it out. I have 2 other kids to consider too. Yours hopefully. If you have not died of boredom. Please help me! Is there any hope? He was nice once upon a time :/
Bubble51 Bubble51 4 years 37 weeks
Okay I forgot to say that he is suffering from COPD and can't breath and he is constantly on a breathing machine. He has gained alot of weight. I am sure he is miserable but don't make his misery on me. I would do anything for him, andhe knows that. I have told him I would care for him no matter what. I must be a rug to walk on.
Bubble51 Bubble51 4 years 37 weeks
Okay after these arguement, a couple of days later he will say when we move we are going to do this and that, I am thinking yeah we are going to be together, but then he starts it all over again. Why? I do not understand him at all. I want him to leave but I am also scared. I am 52 years old and him and I have been together for 11 years, but I just cant take this verbal abuse. I try not to say anything at all to him by being negative or anything that will set him off but somehow he finds something to start something. I hate arguing with a passion, I hate it.
Bubble51 Bubble51 4 years 37 weeks
Okay here is what is happening almost everyday of my life. This is just a small example what happened this morning. I bought a different water dish for my birds and was attempting to screw the dish on the cage. The bird dish was a little bulky and it was like I needed 4 hands. My boyfriend of 11 years was sitting on his chair started saying things like why are you doing that, that is not the way you do it, and it just went on and on, I was trying to ignore him because he was going there to get me get upset. He finally said you want me to do it since you don't have a brain in your head. I said go for it and walked off. He said why don't you put it over here, I said I don't care where you put the water dish. He went on and on until I finally said, let me just put the old one on and forget it. He kept on and on and on. WHen I was putting the old water dish back he said you need to put the water dish where it was before or else you cannot open the door. I said okay. He still kept on and on and on. FInally I asked him why do you do this by starting an arguement over a stupid bird dish, why? He just says the days are numbered before I get out of here..I said I just want to know WHY you want to start something over stupid things..why? He jsut said his days are numbered for him to leave. I said I don't care that you are leaving I just want to know why you like arguing that is all I want to know..just why? I wish I knew why..that is all I want to know. I do want him to leave. I can't very well leave, I have alot of animals to care for, but he can leave. It would put me under financial contraints since we do split the bills but him leaving would be better than putting up with his verbal abuse on a dialy basis.
kenyangirl kenyangirl 4 years 38 weeks
i too was abused alot, ihave called names lie "bitch,fuck,loose shit.whore" and much much more even if i answered him calmly. i hardly was called by my name. i married this man even though he dint trust me and called me names i know what you are going through, just keep strong, dont make any mistake and always love yourself more
smokindutchess smokindutchess 4 years 40 weeks
Well damn. It sounds like there are a lot of women out here who either have been in this situation or currently are. Like yourself, I am currently in a relationship with the man of my dreams but he does the exact same stuff. I know that he has self esteem issues and anger issues..and just a kit if personal issues that he still needs to resolve so that has been my excuse for his behavior. However lately he has gone from calling me names, such as "white trash" "social freak" "pig"---(-when I am absolutely none of these things..he just knows what is going to upset me)--to physically touching me. He calls punching me in the arm giving me a "dead arm". I am sorry, I dont feel that emotionally or physically abusing anyone is ok. Name calling is for little kids who do not know how to express the emotions they are feeling! However, no one here can make the decision for youto stay in a really have to weigh your options and decide if this is somehting that you can and would be willing to put up with while he tries to fix his behaviors. But if he dosent want to make the effort and dosent even try...tell that boy goodbye love!! You dont need that around C:
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 44 weeks
Nikki, This is going to take a LOT of work. Do you want to put in a lot of work on this guy? Is he worth it?
nikki339 nikki339 4 years 44 weeks
so I know this is all a year old.. but I am in a relationship and the man I am with gets super angry at me. first he doesn't want to talk things through and he ignores me. we talk over text and it never goes anyplace. so tonight things went over the top. He was studying and so I told him I was going to my friends house so he could study. He made a coment saying "thought so" he wasnt' talking to me so I was going to leave. It made me mad! what was I suppose to do sit there? So I walked in to the office and he refused to look at me.. I took the paper from him and said please talk to me... he began to get super mad and told me, "put the fucking paper down" of course its degrading and I said not until you speak to me... he tried to leave the room and I followed him... its been two days and he can't try and talk. he hates confronting anything! He pushed his way through the door and I begged him to stop!! then he grabbed my wrist and I pulled away...and gave him a slap on the hand for grabbing me... he got even more mad and said I was a fucking crazy bitch. He said his anger is always my fault. I know I am not the most perfect person ... but I work hard not to call names ...I may beg him to speak to me and get emotional when he wont listen but it hurts. I know that its wrong to call names but when do I know if its really me? I always meet guys like this and they always tell me its bc of me.
JW90 JW90 4 years 46 weeks
Im worried about similar things.. im just really really confused about my relationship with my bf. We've been together for nearly 5 years and i believe were soulmates, we get on really well and are like best friends too...except when we argue, Lately its just so bad that i even started trying to physically attack him because he stands there and talks to me like im a dog or a piece of shit on his shoe, he looks down at me and talks to me in a horrible, de-meaning voice and im getting so sick of it. The anger i've been getting lately scares me :( i just dont know whats going on. I dont want to break up with him, i couldnt see us not being together but i dont understand why the arguments are so bad.
redlee redlee 5 years 1 week
I completely understand what you mean. My bf and I have been together for a little over a year & a half. In the beginning this behavior wasn't prominent; however, once he moved in and became "comfortable" his whole attitude has changed. Almost every argument he throws out every name in the book, and loves to say F*** you every chance he gets. His anger level snaps to 100 in a split second and at times it can get scary. I am not going to lie, at times I snap back. After all how much can one person take? But what really gets under my skin is how he always and easily attempts to "flip" the situation onto me. Once he calms down. at first he will do nothing but blame me, then comes the groveling and the "im sorry's" and the tears. I love him and I want to be with him but I don't see anything getting better only worse. And then he has the nerve to talk about marriage with me. I could never marry someone who would treat me like this.
jaunteecap jaunteecap 5 years 2 weeks
Also, go to Thailand. If the relationship is worth it he will have changed while you're gone. The way things are now, he has not incentive to treat you well because he can take up all of your time energy AND treat your like garbage. Girl, you are not garbage.
jaunteecap jaunteecap 5 years 2 weeks
Dirty fighting should be a deal breaker. This is your life and it's not a joke. What if you marry this man and have kids with him? Do you think that he's going to have the self-control to not belittle your children? If someone in your family gets on his last nerve do you think that he'd have the restraint not to call your Mom or Elderly Aunts the F-ing B-word? He won't. Besides, when you guys make up, everything is not exactly "good" because you're on this anonymous forum asking for advice from people you don't even know. You're being verbally attacked, abused even. I know you don't want to be "dramatic" but having your feelings smashed repeatedly will erode your self esteem, which has already been compromised because you don't even think you're starting to think that you're a little crazy for wanting the basic respect that you'd get from any stranger on the street. Get rid of him. If he matures and changes, for real, you can always take him back. If he doesn't, you'll find a decent and honorable man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated: like a person who matters! Good Luck, be strong!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years 2 weeks
@Anonymous 81: Hon, this guy is not your dad. He can't tell you what to do. Go on the trip and let him break up with you over it. And really, what happened in your life that you would ever let anyone call you such things--without holding them accountable? I'd go ballistic if a man I loved and trusted said something like that to me. And I most certainly wouldn't cooperate with him or reward him for it. You're so much better than this.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years 6 weeks
Anon (post #79) There is another possibility you need to consider -- sitting down with him, discussing his passive-aggressive nature, finding ways for him to deal with his passive-aggressiveness, and finding ways for him to help you deal with your frustration over this (including him giving 'full' apologies every time he acts passive-aggressive towards you). It can be done. I know, I get passive-aggressive once in a while, and I know how to deal with it. It all starts with you being more assertive. "I want you to admit you are passive-aggressive. I want you to start learning how to deal with it. I want you to sit down with me tonight and find strategies for this that are going to work for the both of us."