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Saved 12/20/07 to Group Therapy

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Is Constantly Putting Himself Down!

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two months. He says a lot of negative things about himself, about his weight, where he bought his house, his job, his lack of a college degree, etc.

I think he's wonderful, and I tell him so. But I can still tell that he — at age 29 — has a very low opinion of himself. How can I deal with this? Will he ever grow out of it?


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beccalu beccalu 8 years 23 weeks
My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married. He's always been a little insecure about himself, but I've noticed that it has gotten much better over time. In my opinion (because that's what this is about :D), these are the things you could do to make a difference in your boyfriend's life: Pray for him. It is amazing how God can make changes in people's lives. Believe in your boyfriend, and let him know it. Assure him that you love EVERYTHING about him and you'll support him no matter what. If possible, try to find out some of the reasons that he feels the way he does about himself. Maybe share some of your own self doubts or insecurities. Always be there for him and never put him down. Even putting him down one time could really leave a deep scar. If it seems like he is still having trouble, suggest that he go in for counseling or you could start with couples therapy. It can be a tough road to travel, but if you really love him, it will happen. For us, our faith is what has kept us together and in love.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years 23 weeks
"But now my boyfriend is going back to school for an engineering degree" -- kk_bama GOOD LUCK! my bf and i have almost broken up so many times because engineering is an incredibly difficult and time-consuming major and even when he does find time to hang out with me, he is so stressed thinking about circuits and calculus, it's not even enjoyable!
kk_bama kk_bama 8 years 23 weeks
My boyfriend is somewhat similar to yours. He is always putting himself down for his weight and his lack of a bachelor's degree, though he has an associate's in culinary arts. But now my boyfriend is going back to school for an engineering degree, and he definitely has an extra spring in his step. So why don't you suggest to your boyfriend that he do something about whatever he is complaining about? You could work out with him to help him lose weight, or encourage him to apply to college. Help him jobhunt or househunt if he really wants to improve those things in his life. Be supportive and help him get through it. And like the others have said, he may need therapy as well. It would take me dragging my boyfriend in to get him to see a therapist, but maybe your guy wouldn't be so adverse to it. Good luck!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years 23 weeks
I can't give advice, but I hope you can get through this.
alltherage alltherage 8 years 23 weeks
i jsut broke up with a guy like this. and im not saying u should we were only dating seven weeks. but you have to be careful. i would see if he's depressed -- i mean he should seek professional help. and i know its selfish and you care for him but you have to be careful not to let him bring you down with him if he's not willing to tak actione to help himself.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years 23 weeks
Well, my boyfriend is like this. He always says that he isn't good enough. aimeeb is pretty correct that it probably is some form of depression. My guy isn't depressed but he's not really happy either and is stressed. Instead of telling him "you're fine, i love you", you might try to show him that people with those things he thinks he is lacking aren't so awesome. And it's awesome that he bought a house regardless of where it is! let him know that!
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years 23 weeks
Maybe he suffers with depression. It might not be some casual issue he is having. Try to be more sympathetic of how he feels and not so brass to ask "will he grow out of this..." I think you need to try to think about someone other than yourself and if you like this guy and care about him you'll wonder where this is all coming from and try to help.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years 23 weeks
I bet guys hear the same things from women all the time with low self esteem. He sounds like he has low self esteem and is not happy with where he is in life even though he's made great accomplishments. All you can do is try to point out the good and give as much support as possible but people with low self esteem really have to work on themselves and sometimes it doesn't matter what anyone tells them. Be honest with him tell him the good but also tell him the bad, let him know that if he isn't happy with something like his weight then he needs to make a change and you'll be there to help him. He's probably so used to putting himself down that he doesn't notice it. So I would start calling him out on it. If it doesn't change in the following months the you are going to have to reevaluate if this is the type of man you want to be with. Good Luck!
getstinko getstinko 8 years 23 weeks
therapy, religion or medication
mlen mlen 8 years 23 weeks
that's a tough one. you can tell him how great he is all you want but it doesn't make him believe it. though i'm sure telling him does help. if he continues you might want to actually call him out on it- maybe he doesn't realize he does it quite so much. something along the lines of "i wish you'd stop putting yourself down- i think you are too hard on yourself, look at all you've accomplished!" maybe someone pointing that out to him, and pointing out that he's always putting himself down will make him think. if that doesn't work- he might need to see someone professionally.
vanilize vanilize 8 years 23 weeks
At first I thought he was gay but now it could be he is just insecure. He can see someone and see about overcoming his securities.