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Saved 2/29/08 to Group Therapy

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Is Selfish

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. He's an amazing guy who inspires me, makes me laugh, understands me, and showers me with love and affection. He is loyal and faithful and strong. I am taken care of when I'm sick, and get mind-blowing sex. We have a mountain of projects together, from the fun, creative stuff to the committed, lifelong stuff. We get along like best friends. I've never had as much in common with anybody else. Basically, I love him to death.

Yet, he can also be the most selfish person I've ever known. His needs always come before mine. It sometimes rears its ugly head in the most unexpected moments, and I'm so taken aback, disappointed, or hurt. It doesn't happen all that much, but often enough that I know it's the one trait of his personality that may possibly make or break us some day.

So, tell me, have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was practically perfect, but had one thing that really bothered you? How did you deal with that? I know that I will never meet another guy as perfect for me as he is. Nobody will fit me in as many ways, and I know it's not realistic to find someone who's perfect. Is it okay to accept that one flaw that sometimes hurts, so I can keep all the other qualities that make me feel great the rest of the time?

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anonymousgal anonymousgal 3 years 31 weeks
You know... to follow up on my post above.. another thing that I have to write just out of a need to share is about his obliviousness to my "cues". For instance, his incessent talking was a huge problem for much of the relationship. In person, on the phone, over email, whatever, it was always "flight of ideas" so-to-speak, just endless rambling about any thought that came into his head, absolutely NEVER considering if I was interested or not. I would give every body-language cue I could to show him I was tired, not interested, doing something else, it didnt matter. I could be doing my homework, and obviously deeply engaged in it, and he would ramble on and on. I felt exhausted every time I saw him because I never had any head space to myself, I was always dividing (very unequally) my attention. Eventually, I got so frustrated, I started researching it, and started to think that maybe he had Aspergers, just because he seemed so oblivous. I decided to deal with it very directly, and told him that I was very tired from his rambling, and that he needed to ask for my attention if I was doing something else, rather than just assuming he had it an launching into his random thought that I could care less about. He responded very indignantly, saying that he would definitely not ask for my attention, and that it was absurd that I was portraying my attention-giving as a courtesy. However, it did get slightly, maybe 20% better over time. Oh, and I stopped listening. :) Furthermore, when he would say things that hurt my feelings and I would exhibit obvious signs of sadness/sensitivity, he acted extremely cold and would never really take responsibility for the emotional reactions I had to the things he said. Also, I often feel taken for granted, such as recently when he showed up an my apartment without asking (we live in different cities) and stayed through the middle of the week (my most intensive time of the week class-wise) because he had a meeting that he wanted to be closer in proximity to. I didnt sleep well and was extremely tired, and angry, and I was pouting a little but trying to be accommodating (feeding him, etc) but to any half-way aware person it was obvious I was upset. But he never asked me why, never showed concern, he was totally wrapped up in his work. So this all contributed to why I really, honestly thought that he had mild Aspergers. I thought, he can't be so much of a self absorbed ass***e that he sees my needs and is just withholding? And yet, when I finally brought this last issue up, he said, well, yeah, I knew something was wrong but if you're not going to tell me, I'm not going to coax it out of you. I'll meet you halfway but no further. And on the sex/withholding issue from above, he said, yeah, I knew you wanted to have sex, [I acted coy because] I didnt want to just say, I don't want to have sex with you. And on the emotionally cold issue during discussions, he said, well, frankly, I didnt want to comfort you. So I realized that all these symptoms had kind of in a way, been leading me to think for several months that he actually had mild Aspergers when really, hes just a selfish prick who at 34 still hasnt learned how to consider anyone except himself. *side note, I hope the Aspergers correlation doesnt offend anyone. I take the condition very seriously and have done a lot of research on it and I my heart goes out to women who are married or in a relationship with someone with Aspergers, it can be very difficult to learn how to deal with it. **additionally, my post is coming years after Karlottas original post, and I wonder how it turned out? sending everyone love & support
anonymousgal anonymousgal 3 years 31 weeks
I have the same problem as Karlotta and many of you. I have spent a year with this man who treats me very well on paper, (lavish gifts, compliments, "sacrifices" etc) but when it really counts, he "chooses him", if that makes sense. The feeling that something was wrong from the beginning haunted me, and I wasn't able to put my finger on it, because his words were so convincing, but his actions didn't line up with his words. I felt extremely conflicted, and like I had to play detective and keep track of contradictions so I could assess the severity of the issue. Along with those details, there were the classic signs, such as getting extremely defensive when I brought up any concerns about the relationship, always resulting in a fight, SCORE KEEPING, which I dont think has been mentioned yet (and by this I mean keeping track of my failures, but most of all every single nice thing he has done for me, claiming when I would raise an issue all of this "context" would go out the window), withholding sex the very very few times I would need/want it even though I please him so much I think it is borderline indulgent for him to accept it, and just the overall general feeling of not being able to count on him. I had even heard stories about his past where he had gone through his ex'es stuff to protect himself in a divorce (which is understandable) but I found myself completely paranoid everytime I would leave him alone in my apartment that he was going through my stuff or copying my keys, something to that affect. One time I left my email open on his computer and he read my emails, but at least he told me. But the reason I think he told me was because he had seen an email he wanted explanation about. Anyway. Its been an extremely draining year on many fronts, trying to figure all this out, and also loving him above all else, putting him first, his needs first, even before graduate school. It was kind of one of those obvious "lightbulb" moments when I realized, its not reallly his fault. This is more about me, and what my needs are. I realized that I can't get mad at him for not being what I need, and that I had to stop being borderline masochistic by trying to "grow up" or become "emotionally independent" to the point where I wasnt an inconvenience for him, because it was causing me HUGE anxiety problems like I've never experienced. I just have certain needs, and he can't meet them. I am not going to stay in this for much longer because although he is so smart, funny, thoughtful, faithful, I am always angry at him for one reason or another, largely due to the fact that I have wanted it to work so badly that every time he lets me down I feel incredibly disappointed. Its that gut feeling I can't ignore.... I can't trust him to recognize/acknowledge what I need, and because of that, I can't trust him to look out for me. The relationship has become me against him, instead of a team.
3 years 43 weeks
unfortunately, i have not read all of the comments- due to my restricted time frame, and that is considered procrastination. lol now, i'm all for the strong and mighty side. the black or white, but life isn't always that SIMPLE. depending on the situation and your emotional attachments, sometimes a more delicate tactic is required. have i mastered that tactic? no. i'm quite blunt and strong willed, but i too often suffer form the same issues. because of my love for my guy, i can't be as assertive as i wish to be. he's quite sensitive, and very stubborn. so if i'm too brass with an issue, i lose before i can even begin. some of the best ways of helping me asses how to go about a particular situation involve keeping a journal. i journal our discussions, the issue, and date it. later, i can look back and see- even if minor improvements have been made- and if that particular "tactic" seems to be working. that way, i'm not constantly over analyzing something that irks me, and i have a visual timeline to see progress in our relationship. i may catch a lot of flack for saying this- but, one conclusion that i've come to accept is- he's a man. therefore- he's been hardwired to be selfish. by nature, women are more giving. so bc of that, we tend to feel like we aren't getting what WE put in. i'm not at all saying that this is an excuse for his behavior, but i do believe it's just a man. they hate to be wrong (even if all you want is a win/win), and they love to turn it back on you. i was raised by my father, and trust, as loving as he is, he's very stubborn and does not admit when he is wrong. he has every characteristic of the "typical" male. my best friend has been with her bf for 10 years now. they are always dealing with his selfishness, and as time passed he actually improved. she says, her key to success was just letting go of expectations. her tactics are ever changing as well. she's actually the one who introduced keeping a journal. sometimes, in order to get my bf to stop acting like a spoiled brat, i have to stroke his ego first. the word ALPHA does wonders. i have to make sure he continues to feel admired. i make sure i don't hound him about an issue. if i've brought something up more than once, he knows it needs to be done. so rather than pester him about it, i tell him how i appreciate his smaller, for lack of a better term, [relationship] duties. sometimes i have to play the girly girl role (which i had to learn bc it doesn't come natural to me). if he is quick to temper or won't do what i need, i just do a little pout and say, ok. usually, it works. i wouldn't suggest doing unto him as he does unto you. tried that. back fired. men have to feel admired, and women have to feel appreciated in order for a healthy relationship to continue growing. i'm obviously not an expert, bc if i were i wouldn't be dealing with a similar issue myself. where all my other tactics have worked, they are failing me- but we have a BIG BIG BIG hurdle right now. it has gotten to the point where i am trying not to abandon "peace and poise" for FIRE AND WAR. this may be the point where the only thing that i can try is- punching him in the head, the silent treatment, or... dun dun dun, an ULTIMATUM. men, well people in general, will try to get away with whatever you allow them to. they will treat you the way you show them how to treat you. so- i wish you the best of luck if you have not already figured this out already, and hopefully you didn't have to break open your war paint. xo
4 years 19 weeks
Me again - sorry - my little emoticons were supposed to be smileys! Don't know what happened there...
4 years 19 weeks
Hi Everyone, Am reading through this page as am having a frustrating evening and looking for a little support/guidance rather than getting cross and crying and feeling bad! Earlier this week my BF promised to take me out tonight to make up for some naughty selfish behaviour of his earlier in the week. So I've looked forward to it, and turned down other offers for tonight. Called and texted him this afternoon to find out what & when to get ready answer! So he finally came home from work at 7pm, (we live together and have done for 5 years now), and said we're not going out. Not 'Sorry but I don't feel up to it' etc etc, just 'We're not going out because I don't want to'. I told him I'd turned down all my other invites because we were supposed to be going out, and that I was disappointed etc. All he could say was that he was tired and we weren't going out. From his manner/expression he quite clearly didn't care that he was ruining my day, only that he got what he needed. I can't help but be SO frustrated about it. This evening was supposed to be making up for another time he'd been selfish, and he's just been selfish again! It's my biggest problem with him. He seems unable to put anyone before himself, and seems to lack any kind of empathy. The worst example of his bad behaviour/selfishness was when I had to go to hospital a couple of months ago and be put under for a procedure and he said he'd come with me and collect me. The night before, we had a row, (again about his selfishness), and on the day of the procedure he left the house really early and didn't come to hospital or even take any of my/their calls! So I had to call a good friend to collect me instead. This hurt more than anything else he's ever done because I am truly terrified of hospitals, and needed the support then more than ever. When he did finally talk to me about why he didn't come, he said it was because we had had a fight. Big picture??!! This is obviously just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our issues, but if anyone wants to comment/contribute I would really appreciate the help. Like some of the other posters on here, I really love this guy, and don't want to break up with him, and we do click in other ways. Hence I am looking for coping methods and techniques for converting a selfish man if anyone has any insights?! :O) When he is selfish it hurts my feelings quite badly, because I am a naturally unselfish person. There was a lady on here mentioning how she and her partner put each other first, and that's what I really need. In my (yes possibly idealistic) view, if you each put the other person first then there is no need for 'taking care of number one' as my BF puts it. I would much prefer to love and care for my partner and receive it in return than simply look after myself, and neglect them. The trouble with my kind of outlook is that when you give out love and care, and the other person is often selfish it makes you feel like they don't really deserve you, and you also feel let down and, to be honest, a little bit undermined and worthless. My feisty, rational side says 'what are you putting up with this for?!!', but my emotions keep me in the relationship!! Tricky tricky tricky!!! Any thoughts??? Thanks in advance everyone :O)
4 years 27 weeks
thanks for the comment. I broke up with him last week because I'd just had enough and I feel like a fool for putting up with him treating me that way. At the moment I feel awful and am very confused.
4 years 28 weeks
guys i enjoy all ur posts! but i have this guy and he is real night while we having sex i told him boy u are selfish!he jumped up and we had afight the good thing is that i don't live with him.he doesn't buy me anything am awoman how can be happy if all the little things are new in canada and am muslim he is chirstian.that why i don't live with him i respect our deferences and i love him.when he is talking me out to the club i have to pay my drinks.sometimes i try to understand my man but i can't.he hangs out with woman friends don't get me wrong i can't be with someone who sleeps with everybody but he doesn't sleep with them.all he says is we are in an island and here is all about how many friends you have i told him to stop and he first i break up with him coz i felt like i can't handle the picture is in his facebook profile he tells me that am his queen but i don't feel that way. i feel like everything he does is all about him. he has anice job am just acollege student he has two cars i have nothing he will not stop talking about how much he has.whenever i try getting away from him he finds away to get me back its just driving me crazy thank you guys
4 years 28 weeks
Hallo blindsided. If he does not care about you without you telling him and breaks promisses, he is going to eventually break up with you, since he will think you are a doormat, even thought you are simply just mature, unlike him.
4 years 30 weeks
Ive been with my bf for 5 months and its not been smooth running. I wont bore you with the details (and im sorry this goes back to the original posting too). Basically every previous bf ive been with has been very caring, selfless and thoughtful and made me feel special somehow. I like to be close to my partner and to be looked after and vice versa. My current partner however has had very different experiences to myself. When in previous relationships hes not been very close to his partner (in my opinion) He does his own thing and allows his gf to feel free to do as she pleases (which is good as my last bf was very posessive). However, hes not very good at making me feel special and it gets to me. When i get upset (which happens easily) i sometimes feel i cant approach him about it because he doesn't see it from my view point and thinks Im attacking him. Originally wen i used to speak to him about our relationship problems he admitted fault and understood and said he'd try to change. He has changed but still i feel unwanted sometimes. We have a lot of fun and i wish i were more easy going so that I could just get on with it and not constantly worry. Ill give you an example of his selfishness. Weekend just gone he went away with a friend and rang me before he left (which was impressive as hes rubbish at keeping in touch). He didn't ask what i was doing all weekend and told me that i shouldn't expect too much contact from him. He texted once every day but didn't ask about me . I imagine when hes back tomorrow and calls (if he calls) he'll ask what ive been up to. But its the constant lack of interest. He wont ever ask what my weekly plans are, and is rubbish at planning things. Sometimes he wont reply to texts, even tho they do need a reply and the content is something im sad about. For valentines day he didn't do anything for me, and on my birthday it was a nightmare trying to get him to do anything, he expected my friends to do something for me so he wouldn't have to. I know i expect a lot, and thats not particularly healthy....i expect my partner to behave the way i would and when he doesn't i get really really upset. He also recently said that hes tried as hard as he can (and apparently tried the hardest with me than any other gf) but he cant lie and say he can be exactly what i want him to be. Any comments or anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
4 years 32 weeks
Hello there, I spent some time reading the replies because I am in a similar situation and looking for ways to cope as well. My fiance has this mentality that "he is king Sh*t of F*ck mountain and no-one is to tell him otherwise."(something he has actually said.) When he wants something bad enough, and I disagree (say-we can't afford it) he will go ahead and do it anyways, but get angry and feel betrayed when I tell him I won't help him. And like you, I am head over heels for him, this attitude that he has rears its ugly head only once in a while, otherwise, he is the best man i have ever met. I don't think I would say that he is the most selfish man, he has the ability to be selfish, same way I do, He just can't take no sometimes. He doesn't like being called-out and told he is doing something wrong, and it is like pulling teeth to get him to apologize (and really mean it, not say it to shut me up and make me feel better) How I deal with it is try to talk to him about it, ask for his opinion, and just ask prodding questions, because i want to know what is going on in his head. To give you an example: Last night we had a huge fight where I told him that If his behaviour didn't change, that I would eventually leave him in the future, because i believe being a couple is working as a team for most everything especially big decsions and big purchases. here is the scenerio i gave him to make him realize things a little. Say I saw a $600 pair of shoes that I was hell bent on getting and you disagreed cause we are in debt and I really don't need another pair cause i already have 50. I accept thst you disagree, and we compromise, maybe i find a similar pair at wal-mart for a fraction of the cost, or wait until I can save the money myslelf that way we are both happy. Then I asked him if he really wanted a $20,000 car (cars are his thing) and i REALLY disagreed cause I knew we couldn't afford it and we already have two cars, and I asked him if he would do it anyway, he said yes he probably would, because he wants to do what ever he wants when he wants it, and of story, and the anger fuming from him scared me. So that is when I told him that if that specific mentality didn't change and if he was going to make big desicions like that, make huge purchases like that without me, then why are we together? he said he wants to be with me. That is when I told him I would leave him. This morning, after having time to cool down, I texted him asking if he would be willing to go to couples counselling with me (for me) to just try it out, to hash through our relationship issues and financial as well, i positioned it in a way that made it beneficial for him as well by telling him that he may find it is very helpful, and that there is nothing wrong with seeking assistance to help come up with a plan. He accepted, and told me that he is uncomfortable with talking about our personal issue with a stranger, but he is willing to try it out, because he wants to work with me. him saying that made me cry, not sad, but happy. So with that said, I think i can very much relate to your situation, and i hope you never have to give him a wakeup call like I had to give mine. The only way your man is going to know exactly how you feel is to talk to him about it without shouting (because once shouting starts, lets face it men shut down hide in thier shell and wait for the storm to pass without taking anything in) and give examples, give different scenarios, and ask how he would feel if, that should help him realize that there is 2 in a relationship, and there is no "I" in "We". Thank you for letting me rant, and I hope that under the rant this really helps others in similar situations:) Ciao Bellas:) Lynn
4 years 37 weeks
To Anonymous from above (11/18/09), I'm in same boat as you! My boyfriend asked me yesterday several times if I would help him get settled into his new apartment tonight & spend the night together, so I rearranged my whole day to get things done that I needed to for me, so that I could help him. Received a text at 5:00 saying he had just picked up my car (which has a trailer hitch on it) to go pick up his snowmobiles out of storage because he was going snowmobiling with his friends out in the country and then staying to watch some football game on TV tonight. When I reminded him that we were supposed to be together tonight settling him into his new place, he replied, "Don't worry--I'll still come over to your place after the football game and crash (code for sex) at your place." Yeah, just what I want--drunk, horny boyfriend crawling into bed in the middle of the night after blowing me off because he found something more "fun" to do. No thanks. I, too, also pay for everything we do. (He lost his job over a year ago--if not for me, we'd never do anything.) And when he ever comes across any cash, you better believe he spends it on himself and/or his friends. Pathetic, I know. He is also incredibly selfish, too, like Karlotta's BF. I have heard almost the exact same thing come out of his mouth several times: "I would NEVER do something I didn't WANT to do, just to make someone else happy!!!" And he sticks to that. I am always thinking of him first, always doing thoughtful things for him. It's nauseating how kind and loving I am to him. My friends and family don't know what I'm doing with him--neither do I, anymore. And I'm tired of the whole routine. He's very passive-aggressive, and never follows through on anything. Oh, I could go on and on . . . he has some wonderful traits, but I've finally concluded that the bad ones are just too bad for me to accept anymore. After 4+ years together, he's dropping off his key and picking up his few remaining possessions from my house tonight after his precious football game. Life's just too short. I deserve to be treated better, with kindness and respect, by a responsible, caring, full-fledged grown-up. He has always had roommates, which is why it's so important he's finally going to be living alone for the first time in his life. Essentially, I have determined that he still just has WAY too much growing up to do. He'll miss all that I used to do for him once it's gone. If he ever grows up, learns to support himself, can pay to take me on dates and vacations and buy me gifts, and figure out how to treat me right and put ME first (instead of always himself), I'll consider taking him back and trying to make it work again. But I'm guessing by then I'll be LONG gone. So my advice to you (if this behavior has been going on for a long time, like with me), is to consider moving on. It sounds like your BF has a lot of growing up to do, too. Or that he's just not really interested in having that serious of a relationship at this point in his life--seems he doesn't understand what commitment and consideration in a relationship are all about. You say that you're miserable both when you're with him and when you're without him. The miserableness without him will pass, as you will then be giving yourself a chance to find a man who deserves you and will just naturally want to treat you right. If you stay with him, chances are the misery will just continue. If, however, you're in the beginning stages of a relationship, then I suggest you talk to him about how it makes you feel when he conveniently "forgets" about the plans the two of you had when something better with the guys comes along (if you haven't already). And are you sure he's really with the guys? Hate to say it, but he wouldn't be the first guy who cheated. Good luck to you. I'm going to store now to get ice cream and wine, take a long bubble bath, have a hard cry, and get him out of my system. New year, new decade, new man . . .
4 years 44 weeks
My boyfriend is driving me crazy! whenever there is a party, or a football match or his mates ask, he's gone! Doesn't matter if we had plans already!! And if i say anything about it, its all my fault and im just trying to stop him having fun!!! I pay for everything we do as he never has any spare money, and when he does he spends it on going for a beer with his mates. I do love him but i feel that i'm always going to come second best to his mates. We have split up over this in the past and i was miserable without him ,but i'm pretty miserable with him too sometimes! Anybody have any advice???
4 years 49 weeks
im the same person from above ^ and i just want to add one more thing this has happened to me and he brought the worst out of me and after time went by our relationship became an abusive one. i kept thinking of how different he was compared to other guys because he was honest loyal and faithful and caring and loving, because it is possible for them to be that way but then change at sudden moments. he was caring an loving and he still is but now all i think about is the worst of our relationship and things will never go back to being the same. leaving him woud have been the best thing to do because talking to a person like that is impossible.
4 years 49 weeks
im in a relationship very very similar to yours but the whole thing about mind blowing sex and making u laugh will start to decrease the more u notice his flaws and u should start to apprecitate what he does have. but if i can relate to u i would say that doing that is very hard because at times u may feel unappreciated or feel that u just cant take his selfishness anymore and that u feel left out or uncared for at times to things that really matter to you. u can really tell in a relationship when someone is selfish when even at times in sex he is such as, him always wanting u to please him. sooner or later it will get u fed up and talking through it wont help unless your one of the lucky ones that can actually talk through this situation,which is almost impossible for men since they have the mentality of thinking that women can always give more than what any man can ever give (which was my boyfriends reasoning). but try talking it through. if u feel like this is really bothering u he should understand and try to accommodate your feelings. if it continues and u talking does not help anymore than i believe ending the relationship would be best because if talking doesn't help than u, as any human being, can make a mistake and the relationship will turn into violence and change ur relationship to something you can never imagine. u love for many crazy reasons, but not for thier inconsideration and selfishness.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years 4 weeks
loopyleah, I know you don't want to hear this but those are very, very bad signs your boyfriend is exhibiting. At best, it's controlling. But at worst, those are the signs of an abuser. It sounds like there are some good qualities about him and it's clear from your post that you enjoy the attention he gives you. I'm sure you won't take the random advice of someone on the internet, but please consider at least reading up on signs of an abusive man. This is going beyond selfish and over-protective.
loopyleah loopyleah 6 years 4 weeks
I dont know whether or not my boyfriend is selfish or just over protective, He doesn't like me going out with any of my friends, I've been with him 6 months and i've only been able to see my friends four times in that period and each time he has made a fuss about it! I hate arguing so I just dont bother going out any more because I know he will just have a temper with me, he went through my phone the other day and deleted every boys number on there and deleted all my messages off my friends in my inbox, I know thats sounds bad but apart from that hes awesom,we share the same taste in music he loves the beach,I love the beach, hes very affectionate most of the time and he always cooks me meals gives me lifts, and buys little presents for no reason etc etc,so I dont want to finish with him because of the above I just want to get through to him and let him know that he is being wrong.
joy57 joy57 6 years 25 weeks
As an older person who was married to a wonderful guy, I have just a few things to add: I think at some point a person's selfishness can cause serious problems. Selfish may seem like a petty annoyance now . . but I think in the day to day scheme of living it gets old. Kindness is something I admire and want in a man. I liked that my husband always put me first and thought of me before himself. And the fact that I did the same exact thing meant that no one was ever cheated. It was a win-win situation. Our lives exuded kindness for each other. He was so thoughtful. He'd cover me up when I fell asleep on the sofa. He'd offer to get me things from the kitchen without prompting. And he often weighed how I might feel about things before doing them. I am fiercely independent and will never ask for help (I am a foster child!) and he would "just" do things for me. He just knew things to do to make me happy. He was not perfect. He could get engrossed in his hobbies and intense and moody. He hated to go out socially and I often traveled by myself. But he was NEVER unkind and we never said mean or hurtful things to each other -- never. We got angry and we took a walk. We argued. All couples do. But I knew that he loved me by his actions and deeds. He was not a selfish person and because of that, I strived to never hurt him. We laughed every day. It is true that people by nature are selfish. However, I don't think you should be selfish with your soul mate. My husband passed away last year and I miss him greatly. I am so glad he was here to show me what real love is like and for that reason, I could never accept a selfish man. You can spend a lifetime training someone how to treat you or they can have the basics from the beginning. My husband had the basics and then some.
lemysuckit lemysuckit 6 years 26 weeks
Everyone is aware of stranger danger, but we fail to the danger we live with. Women are much more likely to hurt or killed by their hubby or boyfriend or date than any stranger. I think you have written enough for me to offer a word warning to you. You are with out doubt, living with a volatile man who will hurt you with little or no warning. His actions show a selfish person who takes no responsibility for his actions, while he is doing them. Sure everyone is sorry later when they look back, but its really the time its happening that matters. This is dangerous, this shows a person who can commit violent acts all the while thinking they are only defending their right to be who they are with out interference. In a word "RUN".
beckers1968 beckers1968 6 years 28 weeks
Karlotta, Thank you Thank you Thank you for posting this! I woke up this morning surfing the internet thinking my man was selfish....turns out he is just human and that I may be a little selfish myself for even thinking he was selfish! ya get me? Anyyyyyywayyyyy, he has never left me while i was sick to go party with the guys, and even if he does go out (last time was about 6 months ago with his cousin) he calls and tells me he he misses me! Yeah thanks for clearly slappin me upside the head for thinkin my man was selfish. IM AN IDIOT!! Thanks again!!
darkangel2305 darkangel2305 6 years 29 weeks
The funny thing here is that posted days ago bashing on a lady that didn’t want her husband out with her friends by saying you were ok with yours being out until the wee hours... I think you are equally to blame here. You have accepted a behavior that you're actually not ok with. Now you want to take that back, but it's too late... I don’t know what to tell you. I understand your frustration, but maybe you have been aiding his behavior by not sticking up for yourself when these situations began occurring.
AshleyMay84 AshleyMay84 6 years 29 weeks
Look doll, NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has their good points and their bad points. Selfishness is just one of his low points. But ya know what? Thats ok. It's not ok to be totally selfish. But it gives you a leg up, because you see, he's not perfection. He has his flaws just like anyone else. You and he can work through it. Because those wonderful qualities about him, that you listed? Those are the true gems. And the selfishness can be modified, and dealt with. Just talk to him about it, and point out that it bugs you. Best of luck!
karlotta karlotta 6 years 29 weeks
A whole lot of thanks to all of you for giving me such great advice, sharing your experiences, raising a few good points, and even throwing in a bunch of nice compliments and encouragements in the middle (or in Asia's case, such colorful button-pushing ;) ! ). It was a tough week with Mr. Self Involved, and it really helped to have you all throw in your 2 cents. And I guess he's not so bad, since he showed up with flowers today and apologized for being such a jerk these past few days... I suppose some would decide to drop him on the spot for having a big annoying bitchslapping flaw, but I don't hold the perfection medal, and all I'm trying to do, what with those not-so-young ovaries and 3 1/2 years of a really great and agitated love story, is find the way to acceptance. We can be a difficult and demanding bunch, I think, us women - and I really deeply believe that those of us who get there, to that 50th anniversary, are those who know how to close their eyes (or ears!) to the aggravation in order to see the whole PERSON behind it. It ain't easy to live with someone, day in and day out, I wonder how the spousal murder rates aren't higher :D But even as I write here looking for ways to cope better, I try and abide by his own philosophy - he says it whenever I raise the question of that big bad flaw that I can't stand: "baby, don't think there's nothing about you that drives me up the wall. But I know who you are, and I know what makes us so great together, I'm so happy I've found you; so I love you beyond it, beyond those pesky details, and that is absolutely forever." Aw. I'm all for trying.
Brooklynbee Brooklynbee 6 years 29 weeks
I don't think you said how old he is or how old you are... it sounds to me like maybe he still has some growing up to do. Keep letting him know how you feel when he upsets you. Hopefully he will be willing to grow & change if he values you and your relationship. Relationships really are about compromise, he has to learn to compromise sometimes. My husband (a total sweetheart) always tells me we met at the right time, because I wouldn't have liked him when he was younger. "I was a jerk!" he says. I don't believe him ;) but he has a point. I also can be very stubborn - but my husband and I have been together now for 6 years and we have both compromised on many, many occasions.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 6 years 29 weeks
No one is perfect and even when you love someone to death you will always be able to find something that person does that you might not like. It's just a matter of if you are willing to accept them and talk about it when something happens. You have to pick and chose your battles here. I think most men tend to be very selfish sometimes. They don't think the same way we do. Is he being selfish in some awful and serious way or is it stupid things?
NYFashionista NYFashionista 6 years 29 weeks
Karlotta, unlike some people here, I've always been a fan of your posts and views on life. I too believe people give up too easily on relationships (esp here, in the good ol USA where divorce rates are at least 50%). I've been in a relationship for (eek, dare I say it) five years and with that has come lots of fighting and "getting used to" each other's ways. There were many points in the first 2 years we were very close to breaking up because we were still trying to understand one another and "click". I haven't quite dealt with the selfish problem but we've had our other differences. It took a LOT of communication and understanding on both our parts to be where we are today...(we now rarely fight and couldn't be happier). But I have to admit, the communication really is key (haha I'm such a girl). It took both of us a while to realize that we can't be our single selves in a relationship. Goodluck to you! He sounds like a really decent guy and I'm sure if he's as great as you say he is, you'll both be able to work this out.