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Saved 1/21/09 to Group Therapy

Group Therapy: My Ex-Boyfriend Just Died, And I'm Relieved

Over the weekend I found out that my ex-boyfriend (my first boyfriend/love whom I dated when I was 17-20) died in a motorcycle accident. He was a horrible, manipulative boyfriend who cheated on me the entire three years we were together. He disrespected me, made me feel dumb, took advantage of me, and talked negatively about me when I wasn't around. Needless to say our relationship was unhealthy, dysfunctional, and emotionally abusive. Luckily, I have moved on and become a more confident person. However, when I found out about his death, I felt nothing but relief — Now I know I will never have to see him again. People who knew us both are questioning if I will attend his memorial service, but I have no positive memories and want nothing to do with him. Am I a horrible person for not feeling anything but relief about his death? Do I need to honor his memory?

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years 39 weeks
Steer clear of the funeral. He's an EX boyfriend. He's past tense. He treated you badly. It's normal what your feeling - relief.
sw33tlovin sw33tlovin 7 years 17 weeks
he treated you like shit, so of course you're not going to feel heart-broken that he's dead. i agree with the majority that you shouldn't have to go to the funeral. i think funerals are about celebrating a life and saying good-bye. he was no longer a part of your life and from the sounds of it, there's nothing he gave you to celebrate about. you are not a horrible person. may he RIP.
tinyspark tinyspark 7 years 17 weeks
Honour his memory?!?!?! He died. Other than that, nothing changed. Skip the funeral.
reeeeka reeeeka 7 years 17 weeks
I don't think you should feel any obligation to attend the funeral as he treated you horribly when you were with him and really a funeral is a time to reflect and think about the person who you miss dearly...which you obviously don't. It would be in bad taste to you'd be the only person there that was happy he's gone. I do however think it's a bit much to feel relieved at his death? Obviously, there's a sense of relief because you won't have to deal with him anymore but it's a bit much like you are happy he's dead? Have you thought about his family or friends? It's a bit sadistic to be relieved/happy/glad that someone has died.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years 17 weeks
Well I do respect your honesty in posting that, however, it's hard for me to believe you have NO good memories with him in the three years you spent together. I don't think you should regret anything in your life. He sounds like a terrible person and you made the right choice for yourself to leave him after all. Going to a funeral of someone you despise is probably a bad idea, but if you ever loved him at one point in your life, you should honor those good memories and attend his funeral. Remember the good times, not the bad and you will be a much happier person inside!
happiness80 happiness80 7 years 17 weeks
Woooooow ladies! "oh he used me or dumped me therefore am glad he died" ..... thats just pure class! NOT.
tnmom tnmom 7 years 17 weeks
I don't think you should go if your heart doesn't tell you to. Awhile after my first husband died, I began a relationship with a newly divorced man I had briefly dated in high school. He turned out to be a user, a loser, a liar and a thief. He dumped me after I began asking for him to repay the money he had borrowed from me. He died 2 years ago, and I was so glad.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years 17 weeks
In the minority here. Although it is great that you left an abusive relationship and moved on, I think it is little much to say that you are relieved that he is dead. Unless he was stalking you and threatening your life, this comment to me is way harsh. Obviously, don't go to the funeral.
soapybub soapybub 7 years 18 weeks
You need to honor yourself by NOT going--not the other way around.
snow-flake snow-flake 7 years 18 weeks
No, you are certainly not a horrible person. I do not think that you should feel pressure to go to the funeral. Forcing yourself to do something that you feel uncomfortable with will likely cause you more emotional stress.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years 18 weeks
"I would feel relieved too. Of course you never want to see him again and now you don't have to." There are other ways to avoid seeing exes, other than burial!
Sweetytart Sweetytart 7 years 18 weeks
I would feel relieved too. Of course you never want to see him again and now you don't have to. If anyone knew how horrible he was to you i'm sure they would not expect you to go. Also, why would you want to pay respects to a person like this. I say def don't go especially since it might stir up old feelings.
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 7 years 18 weeks
nope. i went through the same prob except he hasnt died yet. first boyfriend in high school and very mean spirited and abusive. we made amends a year ago because he was off in iraq and thought he was going to die there all his friends did. well when he came back and i said hi online he was back to his old self. i dont care about this man. and you shouldnt feel guilty about your ex-boyfriend either, he was cruel and abusive, just because someone you didnt like die shouldnt change the way you felt about him!
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 7 years 18 weeks
You're not obligated to go at all.
Swissabby Swissabby 7 years 18 weeks
You don't have to go. He's not part of your recent life anymore, and it sounds like he was a complete jerk. I'm glad you are very honest about your feelings, even if they are negative feelings, you sound very authentic and mature. I'd let those feelings guide you in your decisions to go to the funeral or not. Not that anyone deserves to die, but it looks like karma caught up with him.
queenlizzie queenlizzie 7 years 18 weeks
What Fallen85 said, 100%.
jesssa jesssa 7 years 18 weeks
missy, sometimes people may accidentally hit 'report comment' because on many sites that's where the 'reply to comment' button is... i wouldn;t take it personally lol to the op, popgoestheworld had it right: if you're happy someone's dead, don't attend their funeral.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 7 years 18 weeks
No one should expect you to go to the memorial, you broke up and went your separate ways.
missyd missyd 7 years 18 weeks
huh not sure why my comment was flagged, no curses or anything inappropriate, and now Im upset because it took me a while to write and it was what I thought was good :(
missyd missyd 7 years 18 weeks
To the poster: I completely admire your honesty. This must have been a hard thing to write about. Most people would be afraid to admit that they feel that way. You feel the way you feel, they are YOUR feelings and you are totally entitled to them, whatever they may be. Are you a bad person for felling the way that you do? No, I dont think so. Not at all. As others before me have said, he put you through pain every single day, and your relationship was beyond unpleasant. I dont think it would be fair if you were HAPPY he was dead, that's a bit extreme, but to feel somewhat relieved and neutral towards it is completely understandable. I think I would too. However, I don't advise going to his funeral. Like popgoestheworld said, this is a time for his family and those who did care about him to grieve and remember him. If you dont have fond memories, that certainly isnt the place to bring them. I do disagree with the poster above that said you should reply to people who ask if you are going with "My time with him wasn't something I wanted to remember." That seems extremely insensitive and uncalled for, given the situation. Now is not the time to bring any of that kind of stuff into the forefront in any way. It is none of anyone's business, nor is a comment like that going to make you look like a good person. A simple, "I'm not sure at this time" or something would suffice. Well, best of luck to you my dear. *hugs*
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years 18 weeks
Here's a quick rule of thumb. If you're happy someone is dead, you shouldn't attend their funeral. As for if it makes you a horrible person, well, you can't help what you feel. But it's pretty selfish to be relieved because YOU don't have to see him again. What about all the people that did want to see him again like his family? Anyway, you might be in shock. It's possible you'll move from relief to some form of guilt and then possibly grief.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 7 years 18 weeks
you don't have to feel obligated at all to go and screw what anyone else thinks about it. you don't owe him or anyone anything. you are finally happy and there is no reason to relive any bad memories that you had with him. anyone that makes comments about you going clearly doesnt respect you or what you went through at his hands. its unfortunate that he died, and i'm sure even you wouldn't wish that on him, but its not your responsibility to be there. i have an ex that was that way to me, and i know that if someone happened to him i would also feel relieved because i would know it was finally over and he couldn't pop back up or contact people i still kept in touch with to further mess up my life. you have every right to feel that way and hopefully this is just closure for you and u can concentrate on the life you still have to live.
cordata cordata 7 years 18 weeks
He didn't honor you, you don't need to honor him. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
danizzle danizzle 7 years 18 weeks
This is your life. it is good you made the decision to cut out a disrespectful, manipulative man (most women can not get out of relationships like yours and continue to be abused). If you want to go, then go; if not, do not let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. If they judge you, especially knowing how your relationshpip was, then they are no friend to you! Do not feel guilty about being do have your reasons!