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Saved 1/26/08 to Group Therapy

Group Therapy: Why Do I Keep Pushing Men Away?


For at least the last year, I have been dating various guys on and off. I start to like them but then when it looks like things might actually start becoming serious, I start finding reasons not to. Eventually, I pull away completely. I'm 24 years old and many of my friends are getting married and engaged. I'm obviously thinking about such things also, so I don't want to waste time with men who I don't see a future with. But I'm afraid I'm turning away some good guys in the meantime. What can I do to gain some insight into why I keep pushing them away?


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4 years 32 weeks
I'm in the same boat in my streams. But i am trying to fix these things, because i feel like life is all about change, and people grow through relationships... for the better.... I have pushed so many guys away out of fear of loneliness, and commitment at the same time... and i'm getting older by the day, no kids, college, and all my friends are married. so there are many other people out in our world who feel the same things. It's like, in my instances anyway, i push guys away that i really like, just as they like me the same at first, but i'm scared of complete closeness, and then my jealousy comes out because i tend to destroy things that i think are too good to be true., yet what im finally realizing, time is the ultimate anwser to these dilemmas of heartache... some people keep creating the same battles because it's all they know, and there afraid of change within there own tactics of life.... like a different viewpoint to see whats really going on.... rejection sucks.... but 3 days is all it takes for a brand new smile to prevail again as you find yourself flirting with a new friend. Every door that closes opens a more beautiful path of new beginnings of truth and serenity. The drama isn't worth it... Now, if he calls, then you just got one up on him, and either which way it goes.... the truth of any situation always sets one free... if u feel like u really scared a guy away.... then he has more to get over than you because at least you were real enough to admit your fears.... making you a stronger individual.... I'm still learning here.... but tactics must be changed in order for an individual to grow in heart and a new tactic should be considered a proud accomplishment to accept with the utmost dignity of choice.... if he's worth it, he'll call, if not just think of the next love you'll soon encounter.... one with no drama or doubt because you are overcoming this.... he may call because he realizes what he lost....who knows??? and if not he'll learn just as you are... but negativity about the whole situation is just going to drag you down, as it did me.... but you know what my phone is ringing off the hook now... and i finally ignored one of his calls.... if a guy can't be as real as you, and understand your feelings, regardless if there too soon or not soon enough... it's not worth the tears... life is like a candy store.... too many guys to choose from.... some click and some don't.... and some people live in regret beating themselves over rejection, blaming themselves over things they never even did wrong... and waste so much valuable energy on nonsense that diminishes into thin air out of madness and insecurities of one's self.... life is too short... and everyone has a soul mate.... he just hasn't found you yet. patience is a virtue... and good things come to those who wait! now i hope i can just remember all i wrote here and apply it in my own daily hopes and desires.... love will call you when its ready.... cupid is always watching out over us for the perfect matches.... sometimes he misses... but he always tries again....
Dana49 Dana49 5 years 9 weeks
I have pushed guys away for years, only thing I marry them first. I am on husband number eight. I know I really hate men, I would say, you might hate them as well. Do you like women better than men?, that could be a factor also. Good Luck.
AshleyMay84 AshleyMay84 6 years 29 weeks
it sounds like you tend to self sabotage.
luisamapacha luisamapacha 6 years 33 weeks
There's no big secret here - you just haven't met the right guy. When you meet someone you click with, you know it. Wait for it. It's worth it.
lattegoodness lattegoodness 6 years 33 weeks
"You would never put up with somebody saying to your face the things you say to yourself in your head." That is such a good quote!
ccsugar ccsugar 6 years 33 weeks
I'm very similar to you. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "I don't want to waste time with men I don't see a future with". You just haven't found the right guy yet. When you do you won't want to push him away or let him go! ;)
thewriter thewriter 6 years 33 weeks
Enjoy this time in your life and with that I do not mean go off on a "tizzy". There will be many guys that you will meet and learn from and they from you. Don't set yourself to be measured by anyone else standards. Marriage is a life long committment and should not be rushed into on a whim. Hang out, travel, meet people, flirt, get to know what you really want.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 6 years 33 weeks
ur still young hunny! i think u just feel like ur running out of time...but u really r still young. and dont worry about whoever u turned away, even if they were good guys doesnt mean they were right for u. ur doing the right thing by not settling. when ur with the right person, u'll just know. take it easy and good luck =D
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 6 years 33 weeks
Do you even know what you want?
Weega Weega 6 years 33 weeks
I have the same issue ,but maybe you're affraid you would make bad choices and your mind deep inside is tring to portect you . your life is ahead of you , break some rules , for me......it's just that i don't have that much self trust .
Jeny Jeny 6 years 33 weeks
OMG i'm 24 and have done the EXACT same thing!!! I finally found someone who I can be myself around instead of dumbing myself down or acting like i'm someone i'm not.. and that's a huge deal! I was a 'serial dater' I went on about 5 dates a month and left each one thinking 'well at least I got a free dinner'.. HORRIBLE I KNOW!! But when I FINALLY met my boyfriend now, it felt like a HUGE weight lifted. I could be my dorky self, I didn't have to 'dumb myself down'. I felt proud talking about my accomplishments with him, and spending time with him didn't feel like a chore like it did with the other guys I have dated. Keep your eye out, get out there and meet people, have fun because you are YOUNG! All of my friends are married or are getting married and i'm very happy with them but I know it's not my time : )
fantome14 fantome14 6 years 33 weeks
Obviously, you just haven't found the right guy. Don't let your friends' engagements and marriages make you feel pressured. It is totally normal to not be married at 24. Even worse, if you try to find someone to marry, you may end up marrying for the sake of marrying, and that never works out well. It seems your gut is serving you well--either you are not ready, or haven't found the right guy, or both. There is NOTHING wrong with that.
kaenai kaenai 6 years 33 weeks
I would say don't be in such a hurry. I mean, you should definitely try to find out what is holding you back, and deal with that, but as you said, you're 24. This isn't the 16th century, where girls got married at 18 or 19 (or earlier, even!), so you're not exactly an old maid. Don't try so hard, and slow it down. When you find the right guy, you'll know. As for the 'holding yourself back' part - I currently have no answers for that, mainly because I do the same thing in my own life. Not necessarily with dating (which I don't do much), but with other issues. All I can say is that you should remind yourself that you are a worthy and deserving person, and that real, lasting love is yours whenever you're ready for it.
mcreverie mcreverie 6 years 33 weeks
as weird as it may sound, i think you're scared of being truly happy. it could be that you adopt a mentality of "oh this is too good to be true, there MUST be something wrong with this person." maybe you feel pressured to get married so you want to find out as soon as possible if there's something "wrong" with a potential guy, so you're actually looking for something wrong and you begin seeing negative things that aren't really there. have you been hurt before? or maybe rejected? maybe you're scared of being getting in too deep with someone, and then having it not work out, and then having to deal with the major disappointment. whatever the case, i can sympathize with you because i used to be this way. my only advice is that you will NEVER find true love unless you let go of all fears, insecurities, and paranoias. You have to really let yourself go and fully invest in someone. If you really are serious about finding someone to marry, you have to do it 110% or not at all. You deserve to be happy and you're not letting yourself get there. Have faith in men, love, and yourself.