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"He won’t stop looking at porn! What can I do?"



A Guy’s Perspective: What a Guy Really Wants – Part I (warning, very explicit)
I am a guy, and I have heard several women here complain that their boyfriends look at porn. I thought I would give some advice from the male perspective. First, we men are nothing more than human walking sex machines. We think about sex all the time. If you were to ask us what we want to do right here right now, and we were honest, we would say, "Have sex!" It is important to consider the main question from this perspective. Every man wants to get good and aroused, and then have an orgasm. He wants it now, and he does not want a bunch of hassle. If getting aroused and then having good sex with her right now is too much of a hassle, then looking at porn is a whole lot easier and convenient.
First, what a guy really wants is to see her walking around nude. It is as simple as that. (Just today, I had lunch with a co-ed at my college, and I could not get my mind off what she must look like totally naked.) For example, a man would LOVE to see his girlfriend making dinner or vacuuming the living room carpet while she is totally in the buff. (There are porn sites on the Internet of women doing housework while nude, and they are quite arousing for us guys.) He wants her to walk around the house nude, put her leg up on the coffee table and tug on her pubic hairs, letting him watch. Or jump up on the kitchen counter and start fingering herself. Especially, he likes to watch her tits swinging in the wind as she walks around the house. If she is really small breasted it…does…not…matter. As long as he can see two nipples, he’s happy. Of course, he wants to do more than just look at her breasts, he wants to play with them, in a way that is easy and hassle-free. Her breasts are his toys. He wants her to him often to touch her breasts often, unexpectedly, and several times a day. The more she unexpectedly goes topless, gathers her hair up in her hands (if she has long hair), puts her hands on her head, jiggles her breasts, and lets him play with those two sex-toy breasts of hers, the happier he’ll be. What happens in porn? A porn star just walks in, pulls off her top and bra and starts swinging her tits around. That is what he wants to see, totally hassle-free, and he can get this from porn. His girlfriend can do the same thing, she will remove one of his needs for porno.
Let’s talk about one fantasy that every guy has. (Yes, all guys.) He wants to tie her up on the bed, nude, spread-eagle, in bright light, and look at, touch, taste, and enjoy every inch of her body at his leisure, especially her vagina. He may never admit to wanting to do such a thing, but that is what he wants to do. The important thing to remember is, she can give him such free access WITHOUT being tied up. All she needs to do is just lie there motionless, in bright light, spread-eagle, arms grasping the headboard above, giving him all the time in the world, letting him do what he wants, and then there is no need for her to be tied up. He just wants her to lie there patiently while he fingers her, gently pulls her open, looks up into her vagina, experiment with different lubricants, etc. He wants her to do things like let him spend ten minutes doing nothing but twirling her pubic hairs in his fingers, then spend another ten minutes doing nothing more than visually inspecting every inch of her inner lips. She can have four or five dildos sitting right there, and ask him in to insert each one and tell her which one he likes best (if she is willing). She could ask him to trim her pubic hair a little with a pair of scissors, or shave her if she is up to it. Her vagina is his most favorite toy. She should let him play with it (at least that is how he sees it). If she will give him totally uninhibited and leisure access to look at it and play with it, he won’t need to use porn to get the same "access." If he were to walk into the bedroom tonight and unexpectedly see her spread eagle on the bad, a pair of scissors in hand, asking for a small pubic hair trim, believe me, he would forget all about porn for a while.
Is she too shy to do a spread-eagle in bright light for him? If so, she should tell him! I had a girlfriend who would never, never let me get a good look down there. I never said what I wanted to say, which was, "Look, if you do not give me a good look, then why the hell am I here?" She needs to let him know that she understands the frustration he has. If it is a problem, she should admit it, apologize (yes, she should apologize), and find a way to be less shy. This is a problem they have together, and they need to work on it together.
Other fantasies. Every man likes to have his penis and his balls admired and cooed over as she fondles them. Every guy likes a blow job, and often. Every guy likes her to resist his penetration, and make him push hard to get in. Again, he may not admit it, but these are the things he likes. And if she gives him what he really wants, he is less likely to vicariously enjoy the same things in porn.
These are the kinds of things a man wants to see and have done to him. He can find these things on the Internet in just a few minutes. If his girlfriend can do these things for him, he will be less willing to go running off to the Internet. Remember that guys are nothing more than human walking sex machines. They know what they want, but they may not come out and say it. Porn gives him what he wants. She can give him what he really wants, so then he won’t need to go watch porn.
It is absolutely necessary that men and women know exactly what each other want. I am also a firm believer in the idea that it is his turn, then it is her turn (or her turn first). One night or one hour he gets exactly what he wants and she is only too happy to make him feel like a king. Then it is her turn to just sit back and enjoy him making her feel like a queen. There is no need to get into weird, kinky, submissive bondage stuff, just find out what each person wants and take turns giving it to them. This will greatly increase the emotional bonding between the two of them. And remove his need to get this from porn.
Okay, ladies, now I want to hear exactly what a woman wants.
 

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paigea84 paigea84 1 year 48 weeks
First let me say that I do like your post/blog. It was somewhat insightful, but I do have to agree with one of the previous ladies that commented on your use of "all men". I am in a much different situation than a lot of women on here. I'm 28, my guy is 35. A year and a half ago he was diagnosed with low-T, after years of enduring multiple symptoms. The biggest symptom being no erection, or an erection only lasting a minute or two. We moved in together a year ago. I found his vast porn collection shortly thereafter. IT WAS A LOT!!!! LOL Although we had watched porn together in the past, I was still bothered by the amount of porn I came across and threw it all away. It was only a matter of time before I caught him using my laptop to view porn...while I was asleep, or at work late. It hurt my feelings that my guy, who is absolutely infatuated with me and has a difficult time penetrating me (because of his low-T) could masturbate AND ejaculate to "the viewing of another woman". Feelings of insecurities developed, as did my growing resentment of pornography. I felt like, "How could he waste a possible orgasm with me on porn"? I placed an intricate password on my MAC, and got rid of the Ipod. In hindsight, think it may have even been a way of control. He then began viewing porn through the internet on the phone. I honestly believe if I was "getting" what I want, as the sexual woman I want, I would care less if he spent his entire day ejaculating to pic/videos of women. I have tried and tried to explain this to him, but it just doesn't sink in. To summarize, A WOMAN CANNOT MAKE A MAN STOP WATCHING PORN. I had to ask myself many serious questions to figure out where I stood in this relationship, and I had to answer those questions honestly. In the end, I love him dearly.I realized that I wasn't getting all the dick I wanted before the low-T issue, and I am not getting it now. So how is hovering over him, nagging about the subject going to positively affect our relationship? The answer: it is not. I gave up the fight and we are fighting less, and without the blur of anger being on the forefront of my brain I can clearly focus on telling him exactly what I need, and he is pretty damn good at giving me what I need.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 2 years 35 weeks
Wow, this is the sort of post that makes me glad I'm on winter break and I don't have shit to do today. I read this and I was like, Holy shit this is weird, I need to smoke some weed to understand it. So I did and I reread it and got to the comments and I was like, Holy shit this is still weird and JOE TYNDALL wrote it, time for more weed. And now it totally make sense to me. Joe this post is somewhat out of character for you... did someone hijack your account? Anyway... The cleaning fantasy is derogatory only because he doesn't help. Why can't I my wear panties (don't want to get dust bunnies in my lady parts), and he wear his boxers, and we clean together? Seriously if some dude watches me clean naked and doesn't lift a finger, I'm taking my naked body to someone who will. As for good naked and bad naked, if that's something you want to try, invest in a thigh-length silky robe. That way you can close it when you're coughing or opening a jar of pickles. I agree with pop, it's not accurate to say "all men," but I too appreciate the insight. Also, I watch porn and I'm a failure at relationships, so anything I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I think the idea that porn somehow makes a woman less attractive to her SO is inaccurate. It's not like he's going to be watching porn one day and then be like, Wow my girlfriend has fat thighs and never takes it up the ass, I need to dump her. The health of a relationship is determined by what the partners put into it, NOT by her cup size. I watch it but would never choose porn over real sex with my hypothetical boyfriend. I used to have a LIB who got up earlier than me for work, masturbating in the morning had been part of his routine for years but he would always wake me up and try to have sex. Sometimes I would, and sometimes I would roll over and ignore him and he would jerk off to porn. No big deal, that was his routine and there was no doubt that I was #1. My point is, if porn is a cheap substitute for you, you're fine. But if you're a cheap substitute for porn, there are likely issues with emotional/sexual communication that were mentioned. Vilifying porn doesn't fix those issues. I think if there was no such thing as porn the dysfunction would probably manifest itself in other ways, due to communication issues. In regards to why porn (fake as the girls mostly are) is a turn on, it's more of a "mutual pleasure" sort of thing, not an "I'd like to bone her" thing. Interesting fact, I read about a study that said straight men only get aroused to straight porn, while some straight women get aroused to G/L porn, and even videos of animals mating. So I guess we both have the same "mutual pleasure" hot button, only women are turned on by real physical intimacy (even gay giraffes) and men are turned on by a woman performing for a man. I think Joe explained the idea pretty well in #14. There are sites out there that have homemade porn, not amateur (where the girls do degrading things for a meager amount of money), just people posting themselves having sex for fun. The bodies are less than perfect but the 'actors' are enjoying themselves, which is a turn on to me. One of my favorite studio porns starts out with the girl, fully clothed, talking about taking a trip over the holidays and two of her molars fracturing due to pressure on the plane and she had to get a root canal, something weird like that. Made it more personal, if that makes any sense, plus she really seemed to enjoy it. Also I can't enjoy porn if the girl isn't really wet, and most aren't. As long as she's wet I can convince my "constant sex drive" that she likes it, so it turns me on. Yeah and I would totally watch feminine porn. But not where they rip their clothes off, he has to slowly undress her. Men officially should not write the story lines! I think women would watch a porno with a sweet, handsome making dinner and convo, and then having passionate sex with an average-pretty girl. I mean catering to her and kissing every inch of her. I agree men would get jealous if their girlfriend watched it. Hopefully the idea catches on. In regard to this though, Joe, "We really liked each other, and we liked hanging out together. But I am going to be completely honest here – a big reason she was my girlfriend was so I could get laid. But then she started talking about all of her problems with her family friends, people at work, etc. I didn’t want to hear all that, I mainly just wanted to get laid. Of course, the relationship didn’t last long." I consider myself attractive and unabashed sexually, and I have "problems" like anyone. I've had men focus on the fun, sexy side of me and be in complete denial about the imperfect, human side of me. Needless to say the relationship didn't last long once they accepted the fact that I actually craved the emotional, spiritual and intellectual intimacy that comes with a relationship. It was hurtful to me and Joe it better not be an attitude you continue to have when dating!!! I think it's easy for men to assume that an attractive, sexually uninhibited girl needs less affection than a girl who's shy in bed. I'm not sure why that is, but I think it's part of the reason why porn stars are often half fake, it makes it seem less degrading because the girl seems less human. I think a lot of men would be deeply troubled to see a nice, average-pretty girl getting banged out anally and faking an orgasm.
middlepath middlepath 2 years 35 weeks
I have a great relationship with men in general. In fact I love them all - right from my close male friends and relatives right down to my coworkers and the polite checkout guy. Throughout my life I have been sexually open. It is fair to say that my need for sex far outweighs my partner's. Perhaps that's part of the problem. I get angry that he is wasting his appetite jizzing over the keyboard instead of in me. In the past I have experimented with all sorts and had fun doing so. I had a porn phase myself (age 11 to 25) before I found out my imagination was far more intoxicating and inventive. I can't remember exactly when my bf watching porn became a problem. I used to share it and laugh or become aroused myself. I am an attractive woman, confident and outspoken but suddenly one day without warning these images I found silly suddenly made me cry. Could it be because I'm older and on some subconscious level I know my looks are fading? I don't think so. I know I'm sexy and feel it when I put on a dress and walk down the street. I've tried to intellectualise it and move on. I tell myself it is just images. An itch that has to be scratched. A mechanical act of release. And yet the feeling of utter wretchedness persists. The man I love and would cut my own heart out for is destroying me from the inside out. Why does it upset me so much? I don't know. On one hand its the degradation of our beautiful expression of love to an animalistic act where women, who are magnificent and desirable in all their shapes and sizes are reduces to rutting dogs. I'm open-minded. I've taken him to a burlesque club, a sex-po but all with the underlying sadness that we are doing this because at some point just loving each other was not enough. To call it inadequacy is an injustice. I'm not threatened by the women on screen but if I stop and think about it I can't remember the last time we made love. The sex is always good and I climax every time but it is no substitute for earth-shattering intimacy when all the planets (emotion, intellect, spiritual and physical) align. I've told him how I feel and gone through the humiliation of begging in tears but it doesn't change. I've even posed for images myself to divert his attention. I'm ashamed to say I've been pressured into doing things I wasn't comfortable with just to avoid the crushing agony of porn. It was all a waste but I can say hand on heart, he asked me and I tried it. Where is the confident, care-free, fun-loving woman I once was? Has she been chipped away by a difficult relationship.and porn? I need to find her again, dust her off and get her on her feet. Perhaps the objection to porn is a reflection of other underlying issues within our relationship. It does seem to correlate with his sudden fear of commitment. It could also be a lack of intimacy and therefore real love-making. The absence of intellectual, emotional and spiritual fulfilment. All I know is it's not just the graphic images of vaginas being held open by mature women or the ones of barely legal teenage schoolgirls bending over. It's not the porn. It's everything the porn represents.
KIT13 KIT13 2 years 45 weeks
First off I am so tired of hearing men say this is the way I was wired. BS! If thats the case then this is the way women are wired. You men need to give a little to get a little. You can't have it all. If porn is what you like then stay single. If your in a relationship or married quit lookin at it, If it bothers her. Tell her what you want and in return listen to what she wants. In the end you will both win and have better intimacy and a relationship. You men can't use excuses forever. And that's what they are excuses. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE ONE YOU CLAIM TO LOVE. Women change so much for you guys but when we ask for a change it can't be done, what crap suck it up and do it.
LylakNightangel LylakNightangel 2 years 47 weeks
I agree with you Blahblahblah654, I had all the same issues, I did everything for my husband, from the cosplay (dressing like a cheerleader, nurse ect), he don't like oral or anything else kinky related I was willing to do ANYTHING and got the same results, no matter how much I told him I felt unwanted and was not good enough for him, he would tell me no your perfect, I'd ask him ok then why the looking whjen I'm around all the time available for you to do whatever you want and all he says is I only look at the lingerie.. I know thats bs cause I actually caught him by his own words when he said yes, I do look at the girls, so he lied, but I always find more porn and hentai, so after he kept hiding it, I decided one day to just give up on saying anything and keep my feelings to myself, it causes fights too much for me to say anything. So instead I please myself. We have been together for 6 years been married for 5 months. The thing that got me upset the most was the hiding, and the lieing, but through some time I have come to realize Him whacking off is way better than him cheating on me. My advice to anyone who is going through this is you have to take the good with the bad, and if it is effecting your relationships this much, than I'd so go to a therapist and get help.
blahblahblah654 blahblahblah654 4 years 12 weeks
So...I hate porn, not gonna lie. My boyfriend looks at it, not enough to be obsessive, but enough to piss me off and get me feeling all insecure and wondering if I'm enough for him and blah blah blah. I totally understand that men love porn...it contains nudity, women, sex... But I still can't comprehend why my boyfriend watches it if, according to him, I'm enough and I'm sexy and we have plenty of sex (at least once a day, usually more), especially when he sees how much it hurts and effects me and how much more self concious I become when i see that he has been looking at or downloading porn. I would hope my feelings meant more to him than getting off by looking at big tits and cum shots. HOWEVER I really felt that Mr. Joe up there hit it right on the nose... men do want those things(as well as many other things that I do think Joe should have referenced), as gross as it is, they love all of the things mentioned by Joe. And it's true that guys don't look at porn because they want to be with the pornstar, they watch it because they feel like getting off and you're not around to take care of it for him. Sadly, the male species doesn't seem capable of waiting even ten minutes to have an orgasm, while us females have to wait about three years for the guys to hit the right spot! ha anyway...Joe, you kinda reminded me how normal it is and how harmless it can be if I just roll with it. I think you were wrong only because, like someone else mentioned, I do all of those things with my boyfriend (together for 3 yrs, living together for 2) and he loves them, don't get me wrong...But I still find what he thinks is "hidden" porn on his computer.
DorthyOz DorthyOz 4 years 32 weeks
Joe, you are very insightful and a bit of a novelist. sadly, not much guys are like that. while i enjoyed this thread, i have nothing to add 'cept i understand most men like things short, sweet and simple.
DorthyOz DorthyOz 4 years 32 weeks
lol. diddo above!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years 32 weeks
Oh brother. This was painful to read. Forget about it.
seraphimm seraphimm 4 years 32 weeks
p.s. I agree that the playing with/trimming each other's pubic hair thing is yucky. It's cool if you're into that personally Joe, but most guys I know wanna believe that their girlfriends are naturally trimmed/tidy down there. Like my bf. HA!
seraphimm seraphimm 4 years 32 weeks
Why are people reacting so defensively? Take a deep breath... Stop believing that every man wants to do you wrong. I personally thought this really changed my opinion towards my boyfriend watching porn. I've always been bothered by it, thinking, "Am I not enough?" but now I know. I really enjoyed reading this. I read every word, and I might even wanna show my bf! Thanks for the insight, Joe.
creamxs creamxs 4 years 33 weeks
Hi Joe, Yes this thread is becoming interesting indeed. It seems to me you are making quite a lot of beneficial discoveries. I am more liberated and certainly a lot more innovative than my boyfriend when it comes to sex (although he has done some serious catching up over the years), yet he still watches porn. And it does bother me for all the above reasons. I see it as an addiction on his part, a sort of illness. he used to watch incredible amounts of it but it has slowed down a lot, mainly due to the fact he has less time on his hands! He is extremely emotionally repressed, has hardly ever known love and never had a good sex life in his previous relationships (arranged marriage and stuck up/prude women)...all of this would fit in your theories. Mind you I have been using it to my own advantage. Every time I catch him at it, I make sure I get what I want. In other words this is one of the things I use as a passport to do what I please. What I need the most though is to be loved and understood, and he doesn't offer himself emotionally at all, so I figured I can date other guys who offer this. It sounds quite sad, but I don't think men will ever change, so women are left with suffering from it or playing a game of tit for tat...which, believe me, is not at all what we want. I guess it just goes back to the point that men are less mature and there's nothing we can do about this. What else are we supposed to do? Once we have expressed over and over what we want, what we like and what we don't like? Once we have tried telling them off, being forced to act like a mother towards them (again, last thing we want,) tried ultimatums and blackmail even...what else is left? The way I see it, if it is so in a man's nature to act like a conditioned selfish child just because 'he has needs,' well, we women should do the same. We have needs too and hope to fulfil them before we die. So just like he wants to look at tits and have sex all the time, we want to love and be loved for who we are AND have a good sex life which is connected to these emotions, without having to tell him off every minute. In other words, this means all relationships with a typical caveman should be opened one way, the woman's way. He's not allowed to look elsewhere because he can't offer his woman half of the things she needs whereas she gives everything to him (I don't mind ironing naked or even in public if it turns him on.) But she has the right to meet other men because he refuses to satisfy her basic needs. Exhausting, I know, but where is the choice? Wait until their libido dies and then have a slug in bed? No thanks.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 33 weeks
Starfirestarlet, you said, “...women are mad at men for watching porn because some of it is hugely degrading…” --> The funny thing (to me and all me) is that we do not see it that way. I am not sure why. But it is a very valid point. “…there are sick twisted fantasies that men (and women) have that can hurt or damage a women badly.” --> I agree. As I said earlier in this thread, all of us men have a fantasy of tieing up our bf/wife and “having our way” with her. I have also notice that, the more she resists penetration, the more we enjoy it, especially when we have simmering resentments towards her. There seems to be something psychological and unhealthy going on here, and I am not sure what it is. “…third, most women hate ther loved one looking at porn because it makes them feel like there body and how they act towards ther spouse is not enough for them…” --> I agree. Someone made the remark earlier that a gf/wife would be willing to engage in any fantasty he wanted, but some bf/husbands would still look at porn 20 minutes later. I think this is partly because the man is addicted to porn (I used to be addicted to porn, I still have to carefully avoid it or I could easily fall back into looking at it -- just like any other former addict -- and I know what it is like). But I think this is also party due to a basic unhappiness that the man is going through, an unhappiness that he is unwilling to face, and an unhappiness that partly comes from his unhappiness with her. I firmly believe that if he had a great relationship with her they would not be having this problem. I also believe that most men do not have a clue how to be truly happy together with a woman. (Most women too.) “…they dont find enough satisfaction in your body and want somebody hotter…” --> This is a big point. He is always going to be able to find someone younger, skinnier, and more sexy looking. This puts a terrible pressure on her. Many guys are not willing to even talk about such unhappiness with her. I rememeber my gf asking me, "Do you think I'm fat?" and me getting angry about it. All of these issues need to be worked out, and many couple do not even start working out these issues. “…that is why it is hard for women to believe ther husband/bf when he says he loves her, because she knows deep under that pretend conversation he only wants to take off her clothes…” --> There is a lot of truth in what you say. There are two issues here. One is, as I said before, that I believe that most men do not have a clue how to be truly happy with a woman. The other is that most men are emotionally “frozen,” and that they release/satiswfy most of their emotional needs through sex. “…i dont believe a word of what my boyfriend says to me in that regard, your right your nothing but sex machines.” --> The good news is, I think there is a way to turn it around. We just have to find it. “…your obvious honesty towards this is inspiring…” --> Thanks. As we can see, there is a lot of animosity between men and women, it is typified by the topic of this thread, and I am willing to do what I can to improve the situation. I hope that, with some intervening, we can turn this difficulty into a positive way for men and women to improve their love as well as sex life together. This is a very important topic. Since I started this thread, two more thread on this topic have popped up here. I hope we can all figure out a way to solve the problem. Name-calling and accusations do not help anyone. Let’s see what we can figure out together.
starfirestarlet starfirestarlet 4 years 34 weeks
firstly, your obvious honesty towards this is inspiring. second, women are mad at men for watching porn because some of it is hugely degrading, also there are sick twisted fantasies that men (and women) have that can hurt or damage a women badly. and third, most women hate ther loved one looking at porn because it makes them feel like there body and how they act towards ther spouse is not enough for them, that they dont find enough satisfaction in your body and want somebody hotter, that is why it is hard for women to believe ther husband/bf when he says he loves her, because she knows deep under that pretend conversation he only wants to take off her clothes, i dont believe a word of what my boyfriend says to me in that regard, your right your nothing but sex machines.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
"I actually don't have a lot of self-confidence but I do not see occasional porn viewing as a problem unless it becomes a habit." --> I admire and envy even this amount of maturity that you have. "If he is pleasing himself more than being with and pleasing me, then there would be a huge predicament!" --> I agree. And I am afraid that, sadly, many relationships end up this way.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
"Watch the episode then we'll talk." --> Yes, I should watch it. Unfortunately, I live in China, so I cannnot just run down to Blockbuster and rent it. Is the episode available online?
eliz05 eliz05 4 years 36 weeks
"Okay, so here is how I see it. If he sees her naked, he is going to get aroused" The whole point was he wasn't aroused, he was turned off by her always seeing her naked. It was no longer special or a previlage to see her in the nude. George had the same idea as you thinking he was luckiest guy to get to see his girl naked all the time. George said something like, "You get to see your girlfriend naked all the time when all I am doing is picturing what a girl looks like naked all the time." Watch the episode then we'll talk. P.S.- I agree that a lot of men are addicted to porn and sex without being aware that they are. I actually don't have a lot of self-confidence but I do not see occasional porn viewing as a problem unless it becomes a habit. If he is pleasing himself more than being with and pleasing me, then there would be a huge predicament!
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
One more thing. Most guys like the idea of being aroused and having sex 24/7. The truth is, they would probably get tired of it, which is what I think Eliz is saying. But guys are not going to admit it! Thinking about having 24/7 orgies is just another one of the fantasies that guys have.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
Eliz, You said, “The whole point is it didn't work her being naked all the time doing everyday tasks.” --> Okay, so here is how I see it. If he sees her naked, he is going to get aroused. But we cannot spend our life in a constant state of arousal, we wouldn’t get anything else accomplished. Also, most guys would love to have sex 24/7, watch their gf or wife walk around nude 24/7, etc. I think women don’t see it that way, and I can understand how women feel that way. “I really don't have a problem with people who watch porn as long it isn't all day everyday.” --> Janine made a good point that many women feel inadequate then their bf’s or husbands watch porn. It sounds like you have enough self-confidence to not be intimidated by your bf or husband watching porn, and I am glad to hear that. The point about watching porn all day everyday also brings up the issue of guys being addicted to sex and porn. I think a lot of guys are addicted to sex and porn and do not know it. “What would happen say if you go away for a few days or maybe you don't like sex when you have your period? He might just turn to porn.” --> The best thing for him is to not be addicted to sex and porn, and stay away from it for a couple of days. Or she needs enough self-confidence and independence to not let his porn bother her. Alas, we do not live in perfect world.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
Janine, you said, “…would NEVER do the cleaning the house nude WTF sexist much?” --> Yeah, I guess it is. But I am only pointing out what guys want, as sexist as it seems. “…what about a girl who is uninhibited in bed and does many of the things you mentioned… But the guy still looks at porn? An issue I have with your post is the assumption that men look at porn because of something their gf's or wives are NOT doing.” --> You are right, and I had not thought of it like that. Now that I think about it, I too once had a girlfriend who was totally unabashed about having sex. And, I have to admit that I too would look at porn when she was not around. Of course, she got quite angry about my porn collection. I was in the exact situation you have described. I had not thought about that. Thanks for pointing that out. “It seems like you are saying if the woman does all of these things then the guy will want to look at porn less. I just do not think that is true.” --> You are right. “…I just think that every guy likes it and that will not change.” --> Yes. “As jazzy touched on, I think that the issue some women have with porn is that the majority of women connect emotional intimacy with sexuality.” --> I totally agree. Women need an emotional connection for good sex. “Porn is so emotionless, phony and mechanical to most women.” --> I think it gets back to what I wrote before. A lot of guys have very strong emotional needs, their macho way of thinking does not allow them to fulfill their emotional needs directly, and so they use porn and 24/7 thoughts about sex as an indirect way to fulfill them instead. And the sex addict thing I mentioned in an earlier post. “Why can't men be more inventive and have personal fantasies or read books, etc...Why do they always want to masturbate to fake looking women having fake orgasms?” --> I think it gets back to the direct/indirect emotional fulfillment thing, and the sex addict thing. “Why are men fascinated by watching other men's penises?” --> Oh, I think you are wrong on this one. We guys have absolutely no interest in looking at other guys’ penis. First, we want to see a vagina, and second, we want to watch as a penis slides in and out of that vagina. But we focus on the vagina not the penis. We vicariously experience the male porn actor’s penetration and friction and orgasm, and that is what gets us off. Yes, we love to watch a blow job, but again, we focus on both what her lips are doing (not the penis that it is getting done to) and the joy the guy is feeling. We “ignore” the fact that there happens to be a penis in plain sight. Yes, we like to watch a woman masturbate herself, but we also enjoy good ol’ fashion coitus too, because we experience the male porn actor’s penetration and friction and orgasm vicariously. “Why do men want to see other men jizz, because really it does nothing for most girls to see a guy in porn come on a girl.” --> It is a minor point, but we do not want to see another man’s jizz (it is quite disgusting, actually), but seeing it makes us fantasize that it it OUR jizz on her, not the male porn actor’s jizz, and that is what gets us off. Obviously, we wish it was our jizz on her and not his, but we take what we can get. Think of it this way: We guys can sit and look at a woman’s breasts all day. We can sit and watch titty fucking all day. But we have no interest in just watching some guy jack off by himself. (We can do than by ourselves, we get no vicarious joy in watching such a thing.) “Why is porn solely focused on the man's pleasure?” --> That is a very good question. I am particularly appalled at how Japanese porn always portrays rape scene – the Japanese women always suffers through it. I will be quite honest here and tell you that I have looked for porn that shows both the man and the woman enjoying themselves and it is hard to find. “Wouldn't it be more arousing for the man watching it if the girl was actually, truly enjoying herself instead of faking it (badly)?’ --> Yes. But most guys let their constant sex drive get in the way, I think a lot of guys do not think about pleasing the woman, it is all about the guys having a good time. I admit before that I spent many years having sex, and not even stopping to think whether she was having a good time too. (Society told us for years that sex was for his enjoyment alone, she merely provided a “service,” but fortunately our beliefs on this is changing.) Once I learned techniques that satisfy my girlfriend, and I started simply asking her, “What do you enjoy?” and then leisurely making her feel like a queen, things started going a whole lot better. “… women want to feel accepted for exactly who they are, they want to feel that a man respects them and appreciates them. They want to feel that they arouse their partner more than any skanky wh*re on a porn movie ever could. They want to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to their partner. They want to feel that their partner really listens to them, empathizes with their feelings instead of minimizing their feelings or trying to solve their problems. They want their partner to do small, thoughtful things to show that they care. For example, tell them they look beautiful when they get dressed up, clean up after themselves, make dinner reservations, take out the garbage, tend to the kids, cook dinner, etc.” --> I want to tell you a story. I mentioned earlier about a girlfriend I once had who was into unabashed sex. We really liked each other, and we liked hanging out together. But I am going to be completely honest here – a big reason she was my girlfriend was so I could get laid. But then she started talking about all of her problems with her family friends, people at work, etc. I didn’t want to hear all that, I mainly just wanted to get laid. Of course, the relationship didn’t last long. I sure liked a physical intimacy with her, but I did not want to pursue emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy with her, which I will get into. “It is when a woman feels relaxed, cherished and accepted by their partner that they want to explore their sexuality and feel really open and trusting enough to do many of things you mentioned.’ --> Then we need to find partners that we can feel relaxed with, cherish and accept. (Many of us do not do this. We meet someone we like, we do not take the time to get to know them intellectually and spiritually, we get too emotionally attached to quickly, we get a physical relationship started without any hope of intellectual and spiritual, and then the whole thing falls apart.) Many guys make the mistake of thinking that physical intimacy leads to the other three types of intimacy. Many women make the mistake of thinking that emotional intimacy leads to the other three types of intimacy. Too many people are willing to jump into bed, hoping that the other three types of intimacy will magically happen. (It does not, and misery happens instead.) A less-known fallacy is that emotional intimacy leads to intellectual intimacy. Everyone should watch the movie “West Side Story”. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055614 It is a story about two lovers who have very strong emotional intimacy yet no intellectual intimacy at all. (It is also a movie about two people with a big difference between them – they belong to two ethnic groups that hate each other.) In my opinion, not having the four types of intimacy and not working out how to deal with differences like how to deal with trouble-making family members and friends ruin a lot of good relationships. (There is also the problem of what I call a bad neediness match-up, but I will save that for later.) “Many women are just as sexual as men are, it is just less socially acceptable and comfortable for women to express their sexuality and admit that they love sex.” --> And, many men are just as emotional as women are, it is just less socially acceptable and comfortable for men to express their emotional needs, especially their “embarrassing” emotional needs. By golly, I think we are on to something here. “Most women don't want to ever catch their partner staring at other girls.” --> The same is true for guys. Jealousy drives me crazy. “This is an extension of the reason why many women don't love porn.” --> I just had a thought. I think some guys would be turned off if their girlfriend watched porn. And I know that the guys would be turned off if the male actor in the porn flick was someone she had a crush on, especially a friend of hers, an old boyfriend she has never gotten over, etc. (Wow, this could really set up a lot of manipulation. “Go ahead and watch your porn. I am going to watch that video of my ex giving me a back massage and listening to me talk about my hopes and fears in life.”) I am now fascinated by the idea of what I can only describe as “feminine-oriented” porn. Yeah, they sit there naked, navel to navel, but they spend maybe 20 minutes talking about topics that show their emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy with each other. Or they could talk with their clothes on, get so excited that they are connecting on emotional, intellectual, and spiritual topics that they both suddenly get so excited about it that they rip their clothes off and have sex. As a matter of fact, one of the best examples of porn I ever saw was just that – he and she having a nice discussion about what is happening in their lives, making a nice emotional connection, and then the two of them having sex. I found it very refreshing as well as arousing. I have a question. We guys want sex as soon as we jump into bed every night, and as soon as we wake up every morning. Is there a female emotional compliment to this? Do women want to talk about their hopes and fears in life sex as soon as they jump into bed every night, and as soon as they wake up every morning? If he is frustrated that he doesn’t get sex every night and every morning, and she is frustrated that she wants to emotionally share with him every night and every morning within the emotionally intimate context of being in the sack together, then their relationship is obviously heading for trouble. (Many guys want to emotionally share with their gf’s and wives too, but their macho mentality will not let them, making both of them even more frustrated.) “It means that the guy is orgasming to the thought of having sex with that skanky wh*re.” --> But guys want to have emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy with their gf's or wives too. Usually they cannot, and they settle for raunchy sex instead. With women, it is a whole different thing. “Do men want their gf's or wives to have fake breasts, fake orgasms and fake personalities?” --> Deep down, no. A guy who has a deep physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy with his gf or wife does not care about those things. It is all about frustration. I cannot find a woman I can have physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy with, it frustrates me, and looking at fake breasts helps me release my frustration. “If not, why are they so sexually aroused by the women in porn who have all of these things?” --> Because guys re-route their unfulfilled emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy needs into sex and women do not. “Most women are insecure enough about their bodies….” --> I do feel sorry for women, that they feel a lot of pressure to look beautiful, and most guys have no idea how much women suffer over this. “…and knowing that their partner is orgasming to the skinny, liposuctioned, fake breasted, labia reduced girls in porn makes them feel inadequate by comparison.” --> The important part here is feeling inadequate. Her bf or husband feels just as inadequate when she meets another guy that she is more emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually attracted to. (Of course, he would never admit it.) “ Why are guys so lazy that they just want to quickly orgasm and be done with it so often?” --> Good question. The two of them have to take turns giving each other what each other wants. Yeah, he wants a quickie in a mechanical, phony and emotionless way. He should get his orgasm, but then he has to be willing to turn around and spend some time bonding with her emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Most guys do not want to do this, and they pick women they cannot do this with. Guys are also intimidated by such women, many guys pick women they are not intimidated by, and they end up with women they cannot emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually bond with, as a result. Many men are also trapped by what I call the mach myth, which I think I have mentioned before. “Why are they aroused by something so mechanical, phony and emotionless?” --> They would be much more aroused by emotional, intellectual, and spiritual bonding, they just do not know it. “That is just my take on things.” --> Thank you for sharing. We have hit on a lot of things that cause men to look at porn and have their gf’s and wives get offended as a result. A lot of couples need to start opening up discussions on these topics. I hope this thread helps them to do just that.
eliz05 eliz05 4 years 36 weeks
There is good naked and bad naked. I knew you would say something about how he couldn't stop thinking about her naked once he told her to put the clothes back on but you should really watch the episode. Yes, he couldn't stop thinking about her brushing hair while naked (good naked) but hated when she did other things naked. The whole point is it didn't work her being naked all the time doing everyday tasks. It's just an example that I thought of. I really don't have a problem with people who watch porn as long it isn't all day everyday. I think ultimately if you did everything your guy wanted, did the freakiest wildest things he wanted to do, he still might watch porn. What would happen say if you go away for a few days or maybe you don't like sex when you have your period? He might just turn to porn. I don't think there is a set guidelines on how to prevent your man from looking at porn, every man is different.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
Eliz, you said, “I think you could let some men stare at your vagina all day yet he would still want to look at porn.” --> Ya know, You are right. After reading this, I got to thinking about how a lot of guys are addicted to sex and porn. Yes, sex addicts. I think a lot of sex addict guys would laugh in your face if you told them that they are sex addicts. The guy that you are describing is a sex addict. That is something that his girlfriend has to deal with.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 36 weeks
Eliz, you said, “…you obviously have never seen that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry gets sick of seeing his girlfriend naked.” --> Well, no, I haven’t. I cannot imagine getting sick of seeing her nude. I think a lot of guys feel the same way. “Ultimately Jerry convinces Melissa to wear clothes more often, but regrets his decision when he can't stop thinking about how good she looks naked.” --> That says it right there. He can’t stop thinking about it. “Unfortunately Melissa can't stop thinking of how bad Jerry looks naked, and the relationship is ruined.” --> The whole problem is that some guys only think about sex, while women are more interested in an emotional connection. The goal is to find a compromise between the two mindsets, and is it hard to do. I will bring up something when I write Part II, a man’s emotional needs, which is that men have just as many and just as strong emotional needs as women, but guys handle them in an entirely different way. Guys by nature are very stoic, they do not reveal their emotions, they do not get their emotional needs fulfilled in a direct way, and they use sex to get their emotional needs fulfilled in a very indirect way.
Janine22 Janine22 4 years 36 weeks
Ok, Joe so what about a girl who is uninhibited in bed and does many of the things you mentioned (would NEVER do the cleaning the house nude WTF sexist much?). But the guy still looks at porn? An issue I have with your post is the assumption that men look at porn because of something their gf's or wives are NOT doing. It seems like you are saying if the woman does all of these things then the guy will want to look at porn less. I just do not think that is true. I think that men will look at porn even if they have a great sex life. Personally, I don't love porn, but I don't allow myself to get upset about it because I just think that every guy likes it and that will not change. As jazzy touched on, I think that the issue some women have with porn is that the majority of women connect emotional intimacy with sexuality. Some women are confused by why men want to watch really skanky women have sex with gross skanky guys. Porn is so emotionless, phony and mechanical to most women. Why can't men be more inventive and have personal fantasies or read books, etc...Why do they always want to masturbate to fake looking women having fake orgasms? Why are men fascinated by watching other men's penises? For example, the prolonged scenes of the girl giving the guy oral sex. Why do men want to see other men jizz, because really it does nothing for most girls to see a guy in porn come on a girl. Why is porn solely focused on the man's pleasure? Wouldn't it be more arousing for the man watching it if the girl was actually, truly enjoying herself instead of faking it (badly)? It is difficult for me to speak for all women, but to answer your question I would say that women want to feel accepted for exactly who they are, they want to feel that a man respects them and appreciates them. They want to feel that they arouse their partner more than any skanky whore on a porn movie ever could. They want to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to their partner. They want to feel that their partner really listens to them, empathizes with their feelings instead of minimizing their feelings or trying to solve their problems. They want their partner to do small, thoughtful things to show that they care. For example, tell them they look beautiful when they get dressed up, clean up after themselves, make dinner reservations, take out the garbage, tend to the kids, cook dinner, etc.. It is when a woman feels relaxed, cherished and accepted by their partner that they want to explore their sexuality and feel really open and trusting enough to do many of things you mentioned. Many women are just as sexual as men are, it is just less socially acceptable and comfortable for women to express their sexuality and admit that they love sex. Most women don't want to ever catch their partner staring at other girls. This is an extension of the reason why many women don't love porn. It means that the guy is orgasming to the thought of having sex with that skanky whore. Do men want their gf's or wives to have fake breasts, fake orgasms and fake personalities? If not, why are they so sexually aroused by the women in porn who have all of these things? Most women are insecure enough about their bodies, and knowing that their partner is orgasming to the skinny, liposuctioned, fake breasted, labia reduced girls in porn makes them feel inadequate by comparison. Why are guys so lazy that they just want to quickly orgasm and be done with it so often? Where is the fun in that? Why are they aroused by something so mechanical, phony and emotionless? Human sexuality is so much more than that. That is just my take on things.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 4 years 37 weeks
I think that the main problem with the post is the frequent use of "all men". I think we all know that everyone likes different things in the bedroom and one man's turn on can easily be another's turn off. That said, I appreciate an unfiltered view into the mind of a guy. I'm just reluctant to apply it to everyone.