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Saved 11/08/12 to Group Therapy

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Hi, i am a 20 year old student.
It will be long to read, but i'll write about everything that bothers me. Please help me if you can.
i have known the guy ill talk about here for the past 10 years,(Mr S let's say) same school and for most part  same class, have stayed in touch ever since. we started dating about 2 years ago, which he ended weeks ago..will just come to that.
i used to be a very hard working, studious fellow, yes a bit too loud at times, enthusiastic, and mostly happy, kind of naive in a lot of things. After the 11th standard, my "bff" left me..stopped being friends with me, alltogether, saying that i am a rude person. i spent those two years reading abuses for me on the desk, or being laughed at when i was cheated on by a guy. sad part was that her boyfriend wrote them while she watched, i kept quiet and even if i told my parents, they said it was my fault to care about such wrong people. the whole class was against me  and i couldnt find it in me to stand up to them..it was terrible, each day. i now it was very weak of me not to say anything. i got out of there, with an good percentage. yes she tried to contact me after that, while our farewell she cried and hugged and apologised, i cried too but couldn't talk normally with her, so i just left the room. i became friends with her again, after a year maybe. yes it was the same for me, i had always like followed her, she was dumped by her boyfriend and she was looking for distractions and have fun to take her mind off him ( i found about this later)...now she again has a boyfriend, yes we are in contact but it's not the same, neither do i want it to be.
During the time of the desk written abuses, Mr S was not in our class, but he was pretty much there for me on phone texts etc, yes though i didn't talk much about these problems of cheating and my "bff", he said he like me for the past few years just didn't have the courage to say. i told him i dont want a relationship, he said he will wait however long it took me. We would talk into the morning,sharing pretty much every little thing. He gave up drinking, started taking his career seriously, i was happy with the no commitment best friends thing. After a few months a gut asked me out and as everything i told him this... and to my shock he said i should really go on the date. i asked him will he be okay with it, he said yes and that he was over me... i didn't  go on it then though.
But i used to talk to some other guys too, casual texting, well not like S, and once i went on a date with the guy who asked me before, it was very very casual for me. After knowing about the date, S flipped out, started texting all the time, being jealous, taunting, blackmailing, saying i should just go to him. i knew i really cared for him, i used to cry every night, but i don't know i couldn't admit that in front of him, i was always very scared, maybe of rejection, cheating, i don't know. So i stopped seeing the guy and i also stopped talking to S. I Had to be a little rude so that he let go. He tried to meet me too once, but i didn't even acknowledge his presence. It was wrong, im sorry for it. So for four month we were out of each other's lives. though sometimes i did check his profile and was happy to see he got into a college and had new friends.
A common friend of ours called me to meet and brought S with him, it was a group outing. During that outing he texted me "i don't want to lose you but i dont have the courage to speak to you". Then when we came home, i tried to talk it out with him, he talked very arrogantly, so i stopped. Again the mutual friend made us meet and sat with us till we both started talking. It was the same again, though now he had another active social group, mostly girls. And i had too. In three or four months we were flirting a bit, used to imagine what it would be like if we as friends could live together. in few weeks, the march of 2011, he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. Things were wonderful ( as they are in every relationship ). 
Few things bothered me, like his never introducing me to his friends or even telling them that he has a girlfriend, though he had told him that he had liked me for long, or he lied to me when he went out with them, though i was neve jealous or controlling. When asked he would say, "i want to keep my college group separate from you" or " i stay with them out of necessity and i don't like sharing my personal life with them" and the quirkiest one was " they will start behaving with me differently." i hated this one.
things changed after we got physical. i became more clingy and he more distant. He said the distance was due to my nagging. He even chatted with a girl late at night while telling me he was sleeping, when confronted, he would say, whenever i call you you fight something or the other and i wanted just casual talking.
The frequecy of i love you's went from 4 to 5 times a day to once in weeks...and then...never. He said i dreamt of being with you for years, but i didn't dream of this. I asked him to break up several times, but he would cry, ay we will work it out somehow. 
By this time, i drank like once in 2 weeks, turned to a non vegetarian from a vegetarian, my studies were at an all time low. instead og attending classes, i hung out with him,saw moovies he wanted to see, complete his work, or taught him something, mostly we were at his place, most of the time on the bed. i didn' like being physical, i used to be very conservative about that. i used to search for reasons to like it, cuz he begged me for it always...and I, i always needed reassurance, i felt jealous of every girl around him, like a competition. He would tell me i need to lose weight ( im 50 kgs) or  that which which girl is prettier than me "BUT STILL" he chose me.
Now i feel he wanted to be like me, sincere ;BUT I TURNED OUT TO BE LIKE HIM.
we stayed together for a year and a half then  he dumped me sayin " i cant do it anymore " and say i don't know the reason i just cant . but i need you as a friend. want you there always. i begged, cried, asked him again and again but he didn't listen. He said i just cant  now.
since then too we have been in contact, we talked like before. i was in thee icu for a few weeks after the break up, i fell really sick. when i came back to my phone, there were tonnes of his msgs telling mr what he was doi'g right then and how much he was missing me around. 
he asks me about what to wear, any important desicion to be taken, any problem to be taken care of anything at all, shares most of his life, we still have sex sometimes, he keeps kissing my cheek or holds my hand, hugs, when we are alone, hes sweetest, but in public "just friends", worse, tells the college friends that "we don't talk much" and tells me that i dont want them questioning me. i feel used now.
i get so angry at times at me or him or the fact we are not a "couple". i scream, hurt myself, yesterday i scratched my face.
the funny thing is i still have hope. that we'llbe fine. that if i am patient, it will be okay.
i know i should priortise myself more, and make him a small percentage in the whole equation. please tell me. help me how.

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becomestronger becomestronger 1 year 44 weeks
hello again thanks for commenting i really can't seek professional help... first, i am financially dependent on my parents and i really can't afford a therapist right now. telling my parents is not an option. they are good, but in our society having a boyfriend is a taboo...they will not understand and will see me as disrespectful to them and their values and nothing else. i do talk to people, some don't understand. some, who are too happy in their respective relationships always tell me that it's gonna work out. And some who are hurt, tell me not to care or start pretending that i don't give a damn...there's a best friend...she understands..but even her views get mixed up. sometimes she tells me that we are good as friends or sometimes to dump him or sometimes that you will get back together... and i feel ashamed to reveal how weak i am. you people are all i have got .... other than myself. you say that i should let go of the past and want it can be. i am as much to blame as he was in the relationship... i don't know why i made this relationship so big that it messed up my entire life... all aspects of it..my studies..health..family. why a male love and attention mattered so much that it took a toll over all my wants... maybe coz my brother says i am ugly... no one would love me...or my classmates said that whoever dates me will be a blind man... i don't understand this. i have turned down a lot of guys in the past..and i know i am good lookin ya i have a smaller nose than usual...but i am fine with it....but i believe listening to every one in my family say from childhood that i have a weird face or my mother say that how will she get married affected my self esteem. i was taunting, verbally abusing, impatient and very short tempered. i got all hurt with all small things, lost all sense of humor i had.... lost my identity...changed so much in the course of these years with him. i shoul have been stronger to deal with it. i would get mad if he had beer with a female friend of his, abusive if he talked to anyone else for long...jealous cuz someone else's boyfriend is a romantic and he isn't..that he didn't meet me on my birthday even though i didn't ask him to come when he wished me... all this happened after i found out that he used to chat with a girl late in night, and used to lie to me about that. he had given all his passwords to me...once i went to check something then i saw it... i didn't confront him... i let it be and kept reading everyday. it got worse and worse. she said all the i love yous and the kisses and "baby's" and "you should join us in the movies and my friend was suggesting you don't bring meg" he didn't respond to them much, changed the topic...but he didn't stop either. he called her beautiful like the moon. and that made me feel really bad... and when she asked how is meg, he would say i dint want to discuss relationships. i felt shitty. cheated...it all flashed back...my ex. i decided to let it go...after talking to him...he made me feel that i was responsible for it... he stopped talking to her altogether, she text-ed him i miss you many a times but he didn't retaliate... that girl...she spread the word to people that i am horny needy bitch who wouldn't let my boyfriend breathe.....but when i heard S's best friend saying it i had a fight and stopped talking to him...and the worst part that the never confronted his friend...rather, he apologized from my side.. our relationship went downhill from that moment on. i never trusted him, never... always felt that he would be talking to other girls, spending time with them, flirting with them. it was a my fault too..if i decided to forgive him...i should have trusted him. not let it get so much of me...i used to make everything a big deal...not picking my call or seeing him online at night...or seeing them online together. i flippped when he changed his password and dint tell me. he said it is better for me and i should get over the habit of spying on him. even the love making was just sex now from my side, nothing more. i did it cuz he asked a lot. i never felt like it. he tells me to do things that make me happy... not think about him much...to bring back my old self...sometimes he talks to me ...about me...about how i was before .. in school...before any of the trauma... the happy naive how he looked up to me and wanted to become good enough for me....he says he gets scared when he sees how much he affects me and he gets scared when he doesn't effect me at all. he leaves it a choice if i want to hang out at his place, i agree but he gets too playful never leaves untill we finally end up on bed. every time that happens.. i feel weaker. i cant keep blaming him for this forever...whenever i fought, he would shut down. and (i did fight very unnecessarily)...and then try to talk to me and behave as he was in the start of our relationship, i didn't see it then... now i do. he started from scratch...and now he says i cant see a bit of the girl he fell in love with. you are like her physically. some times he randomly grabs me and says everything will work out but we both need so much change...he says he knows i am the type who will want to stay till the long haul and he feels he will not be able to support that financially....and if he makes something of himself, he will bw on his knees for me. i dont know what are these...false promises or not. my heart wants to belive them but my head questions. we have been broken up long but he hasn't been on any date or even talk much to any girls. he says that whenever he takes any other girls name, and i get jealous...it irritates him but he is happy that i am not going anywhere. It's been so long. 7 years of being best buds. its very hard to just let go. to completely wash him out. please don't judge me. i have been terribly weak. i know. help.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 1 year 45 weeks
Oh no, this is so wrong on so many levels. As Henna has pointed out this guy is really bad news for you. He is doing nothing but using you!!. Might be a good idea to find a good psychologist, to help you deal with the situation and to help you to break away from him. It is good to write on here but you're going to need help breaking away from this guy.This kind of obsession and relationship you have with him is extremely unhealthy. You need to let him go and cut all contact with him. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you through it, friends and family. Please know that you deserve far better than him and that he doesn't deserve your help with anything, help with deciding what to wear and making decisions for himself. And he surely doesn't deserve to be sleeping with you. What kind of guy does that?. Uses you for everything and then doesn't even WANT to tell his friends about you. - You deserve a far better guy than that, one who wants to show you off to all his friends and take you to special places. You are selling yourself short. It makes me really sad to hear about situations like this. I know how hard it is, but you really have to realize he is no good for you and make all the effort to break away from him. Means blocking him absolutely everywhere and ignoring him. You are going to suffer with him in your life, you will continue to feel down about yourself, and he will continue to use you. He really is not interested in a proper relationship with you, trust me otherwise he would be treating you a whole lot differently. It will get easier once you've got him out of your life but you have to not fall weak and go back to him. The more you allow him in your life, the more things he will do, that will give you false hope of you two being in a relationship together. I hope that you will speak to a professional about this and get the help that you need. Make sure you tell them absolutely everything, and that you have been self harming. I know that it may not feel like it right now, but once you get this guy out of your life and start to heal, everything will be better!. You deserve far better and you need to know it!. Good luck love. Everything will be better soon.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 45 weeks
Sweetheart, you need to make yourself your WHOLE concern, and to completely cut this guy out of your life. Your history together is just too unhealthy. You have very destructive patterns with him and it would be best to be completely seperate. I've just finished saying to someone else, that you can't realisticlly base your choices on the hope that someone will change, or that a situation will change. You need to base your choices on the behaviors that have been demonstrated. You two don't work as a couple. And, quite frankly, this "friendship" is only about him using you and on him capitalizing on your hope for something worthwhile to happen. He's using you. It's really time for you to let this guy go, completely, and to mourn the loss of the relationship. And to mourn the loss of the hope for this relationship to go where you wish it would go. It's time to let go of that. You won't find something or someone who can give you the joy and balance you wish for until you let go of the unrealistic hopes around this guy. It's time for you to reach out to your friends, your family, for emotional support. It's time for you to look elsewhere, away from this guy....into yourself and others who actually care for you and care about what happens to you. Darlin' you've had so much emotional trauma in your life, with the bullying at school, and the unhappy relationship with this guy....I seriously suggest you look for some help....a therapist, a counselor who can help you to deal with the pain, and the effects of all that emotional trauma. This stuff builds up in our psyches and warps us, damages us in ways we don't always understand, and it can take reaching out for some help to really understand how and why we've been affected. I know that your self esteem has been affected here....impossible that it wouldn't have been. I think that's one of the reasons you sit and wait and hope that this unworkable relationship will, somehow, majically work itself out. It's easier to dwell on the impossible, than to look forward to the challenges of attempting new relationships. That takes confidence, self awareness, self esteem....things that can be difficult when we've been subjected to emotional abuse, and to other's running us down. You've reached out here, for some help. It's time for you to reach out where you are, to a supportive person or people for some help. Help to let go of the past, to evaluate and learn to value yourself, to learn to focus on you, and your needs. That's what's most important right now. Healing this kind of damage is a very intentional process. It takes a lot of focus, and the determination that you're worth the time and effort. And, of course, you ARE worth the time and effort. Always! Be well OP. love to you, and best of luck in starting your healing journey.