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Saved 5/31/10 to Group Therapy

Help with Long Distance

I could use some advise. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years now, 3 of those years long distance. We live in separate states, and he is working and I am finishing up graduate school. The past year, we have discussed moving in together after I graduate so that we can finally live in the same place. I was so excited about it- but I'm graduating in the summer and he recently told me he wasn't sure that he was ready to move in together yet (which partly, I think, has to do with the fact the he lives with his brother and doesn't want to "kick him out"). Career wise, it makes since for us to live in his state- since he has a good job and I am just getting started. However, he asked me to move to be with him- and not live together. Since he is the only person I would know in that state, and I'm not about to room with a complete stranger, it suggests that I move to him for his career AND live by myself. I told him absolutely not- we need to compromise. I told him he's going to need to decide what's more important to him- his career, or us not living together. I basically gave him an ultimatum, but it's very scary because it's all coming up so fast. My plan is to have my own back-up plan, but trust me, he is a really great guy (even though I'm sure this doesnt put him in his best light), and we both want our relationship to work out. Any ideas or thoughts?

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kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years 25 weeks
Oh dear, giving him ultimatum while he's openly stated to you already that he's not ready to move in with you imho is also not too wise. If you've lived with a man (as in part of a couple), you'd probably know by now how hard it can get, and how much a transition it is. And if he feels like he's got his arm twisted, that's probably added stress that's not supposed to be there. And I agree with both sarah_bellum and cnd. I'd not move to his city if the sole reason for moving is to move in with a guy who's clearly not ready to move in with you and he felt pressure to move you in because you gave him an ultimatum...then he has to evict his brother too? Why? Why can't his brother be you guys's roomie? Honestly, I don't know too, perhaps you should ask if he even sees you as a future partner/spouse in the future? I don't know why he's not ready, there's so many different reasons, yes, one of them being that he doesn't quite see you in his life in the future, so it's a valid issue to discuss (if things like permanent coupledom/marriage is in the future for you both). What you're doing is going to cause resentment in your relationship and that's not good start to a living-together situation. I would suggest an alternative, if you really want to move to his city for work (or you just have to absolutely move there), how about ask for their help to find you a studio/1 bedroom apartment/hook you up with a good friend of them who's looking for a roommie NEARBY your bf's apartment complex or even better, perhaps there's a vacancy at your bf's complex/building. Create your own life, your own circle of friends beside joining his ocassionally. Also, when the time comes for you to move in together, his brother can actually take over your residential, that sounds like a win-win scenario..perhaps :) Good luck.
vevetta vevetta 5 years 25 weeks
as a girl with experience in long distance relationships let me just tell you, you are doing the completely wrong thing here in every angle. First of all giving your boyfriend and ultimatum in an issue that is clearly serious for both of you is not only selfish but very wrong, you might end up getting the short side of the stick hun. and plus giving him an ultimatum between you and his career? really?? what kind of man he could come to be if he throws everything he has worked for thanks to a girl, and what kind of woman are you that forces him to chose between things that matter most in life? love and prosperity. also in my opinion there is no better way to end a long distance relationship than NOT living together but living close to each other. Forget the brother fact, think about the consequences of moving in together right away. Since you dont know anyone in the city but him you are solely going to depend on him for everything, from getting to know the place, to getting to know people. Instead of creating a life together you will be entering to be part of HIS life, you see what I'm getting at here? you should actually find an apartment with roommates who have your same kind of style and personality and make friends through them and with them, that way you will have something going for you in the city that you can joint with your boyfriend's life. honestly hun neither of you NEED to compromise, just find better alternatives. good luck
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years 25 weeks
OP, There is no compromise that you can make. Either you move to his town and become his roomate or you move to his town and you do not become his roommate. (The only compromise would be that the three of you live together, but I think that you think this would not work.) His attitude here is very important. Has he adequately apologized to you for all of this? Is he emotionally crushed because the two of you might not be living together?
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years 25 weeks
I am totally on his side with this one. Regardless of whether or not he's too sissy to kick his brother out (which is a problem in and of itself), you've spent 3 of the last 4 years apart. If he says he's not ready to live together, then for whatever reason he's not frigging ready to live together! I wouldn't even consider moving to another state to be with a man who was unsure about our relationship (meaning wedding plans were underway, but that's a personal belief), but you're just out of grad school. If you want to be near him, pick up and move and learn to stand on your own two feet in a new situation, just be sure to agree upon a time line of when you will move in together (after 6 months or whatever) since that's ultimately what you want. It will make for a more solid relationship if you can be self-reliant and aren't always depending on him And anyways, do you really want to be the woman who has to twist her boyfriend's arm into living with her?