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Saved 10/25/10 to Group Therapy

How do I deal with my boyfriend's many girl friends?


I've been with my boyfriend for 7 and a half months now. We're both in our early 20's. I'm just a year older. I've always had really short, shitty relationships, but this guy is really caring and involved. He recently told me he loved me for the first time ever a few weeks ago. I'm really grateful to have him in my life and to finally be in a long-term serious relationship, but ever since I've known him he's always had a lot of girl friends. He's also really into social networking and Facebook, and usually comments on other girls photos or status updates. I hate Facebook enough as it is already, so to see on my newsfeed he's commented on another girl's photo or to see what other girl's write on his wall always pisses me off. Majority of it is innocent, but I think because ever since I've known him he's always talked to mostly girls, I've always been jealous. He's flirtatious by nature. I know it's not attractive to act jealous, but I think most of it is due to my past shitty relationships. I've always felt like I had to compete against girls, and the guys I was with would always end up leaving me for somebody else. And usually it started out with them talking to other girls or messaging them or commenting on their photos through social networking sites. I know my boyfriend really cares about me and he's always telling me I'm pretty and how much I really mean to him, but when I remember how my boyfriend's even gone as far as calling another girl pretty in one of her photos, or writing little hearts, I always feel like I'm being emotionally cheated on. Am I really just being melodramatic here? My boyfriend seems to think so. He thinks he is completely innocent, which is why I stopped bringing up how much it bothers me. But i can't help the way I feel and I would really like to know how anyone else feels about this. I know a few of the girls he's friends with because he's introduced me, but majority I still don't know, so I still feel really uneasy. I trust him, but I just wish he could stop with all the facebook nonsense. My boyfriend knows how to make me feel special and he'll leave me cute little comments on my facebook wall, but it's times like this when I have to ask myself, am I just another pretty face to him? Another reason why I hate him commenting on other girls stuff so much is because he also always jokes about other girls. He will usually state what's' on his mind, so he'll  make little comments about other girls being hot. Whether it's someone he sees on the TV, or walking down the street. But then he'll just say, "just kidding, I love you baby." His sexual innuendos have gotten to the point where they aren't funny anymore. He might as well be saying, "I would fuck any girl as long as she has a hot body with a paper bag over her head." I know a part of me is being insecure as well, so is it really something I just need to learn to deal with and get over on my own? Sometimes I really don't understand his sense of humor. It tends to offend me, and I feel disrespected. I'm not one of those girls who wants to get pushed around or taken for granted. When I'm in a relationship I want to be the only girl he has eyes for. He can think other girls are pretty, but for him to always vocalize it tends to push me on edge. I guess I appreciate his honesty because he's always been honest and upfront about everything, but when it comes to other girls I feel like maybe he should just be better off dating if he wants to constantly make references to other girls so much. I'm at this point in my life, where I am tired of immaturity and I deserve to be with someone who isn't going to say, "damn she's hot...cus she's blonde....haha jk baby."

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sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 3 years 47 weeks
Helen is absolutely right. Read every word she wrote a hundred times until it's fully ingrained. He's completely dismissing your feelings. Even if he did think you were being melodramatic (I don't think you are at all, by the way) he should at least be bothered by the fact that you're bothered with his behavior. The only question you should be asking yourself is if this is what you want for the rest of your life, cause he's not interested in changing.
robyncat robyncat 3 years 47 weeks
I know where you're coming from. My boyfriend is a flirt too - often complimenting his female friends' photos and carrying on borderline-flirtatious conversations with them over facebook walls. It's something that we had to *really* talk about for a long time after we started dating to get to the point where I could be comfortable with it, and he didn't feel like I was constantly in fear of him cheating on me. He decided to tone it down a bit, and we decided to communicate a lot more about how much we appreciate each other. However, it's not a compromise that works for everyone. I think if it bothers you that much, he's not the guy for you. You can't change who he is, and he doesn't seem to respect how it makes you feel. So even though you might feel lucky to have him in some ways, there's another guy out there who won't make you feel like you need to be in competition with other girls to have him. He'll *want* you to know you're the only girl he wants. Good luck :)
NiesyLuvJ NiesyLuvJ 3 years 47 weeks
Funny, because I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! I am currently going through the same thing, except, I decided to give up on the relationship because I cannot change who he is. I am now in decision mode of whether I want to continue this, but I have to think about my future. Do I really want to invest in this now, knowing I will be unhappy with this aspect of his life? I am the least bit insecure about my relationship with him. But I know how girls are, and his many girl friends will hinder this relationship. I now see a jealous side of me that is not me...but the facebook comments do push a button after a while. Especially when they know we are in a relationship. So, in short terms...can you live with him having so many girl friends? Will it affect your relationship in the long run? Do you want to invest your time now in something you know will end in no good? Think about what is best for you for once. I agree 100% with Helen. Now I have a different perspective.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 3 years 47 weeks
You've been choosing the wrong guys. You said so yourself. And you did it again, sorry to say. This guy is not doing anything too terribly horrible (although the just kidding! jokes are not cool). But he doesn't have to cheat on you or call you names in order to be a bad match. He's just a bad fit. You need a more low-key, boring guy. One who isn't heavily into social networking or flirting with babes left and right. Maybe you've never tried a guy like that. If you haven't...look where that's gotten you. Date against type. When you meet a man and your heart races like it's going to pop out of your chest, walk away. Choose a man who makes you feel comfortable and calm and good from the very beginning. Like a nice warm sweater.