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Saved 9/07/09 to Group Therapy

How much porn use is too much?


I live with my boyfriend of 3 years and for the past year, our sex life has steadily gone downhill.  We used to have sex 4 or 5 times a week... I don't expect that much now, and would be happy with 2 or 3 times a week IF he seemed into it.  I discovered about a year ago just how much porn he is looking at - it's every single day, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day, and he masturbates while he's watching it.  At first, I thought it was OK that he spent some time getting off to porn as long as we still had regular sex and he was satisfied by me.  By the way, he still says that he gets turned on with me and that I totally satisfy him sexually.
The problem is that when he started losing interest in sex, I started looking at his internet history.  I thought he might be cheating on me, but found out that he is not.  He started a job that is very close to home so he comes home for lunch every day, and gets home from work a couple hours before I do.  I found out that not only does he jerk off to porn every morning, but he also jerks off to it almost every day at lunch time, right after he gets home from work, and sometimes in the evening before I get home.  He also looks at porn every time I leave the house on a weekend (like grocery shopping). 
During this time, he has lost interest in having sex with me.  He will offer once a week or so, but it feels like it is a chore for him, which hurts me deeply and makes me feel rejected and unattractive.  I cannot compete with the endless stream of women he has access to online.  I chose my profile picture because she is his "ideal woman" - gorgeous face and body with HUGE natural breasts (I'm a D cup, but feel small compared to this!).  I also looked at his cell phone online history and have discovered that he also looks at porn on his phone, uploaded porn videos to it, and has lots of photos women with big tits.
He says he is always tired and that's why he doesn't want sex as much.  We mostly have sex on the weekend, but for the past two weekends, I have woken up early to find that he has slipped out of bed and is jerking off to porn in the next room.  All he had to do was roll over and I am lying there naked right next to him.  Yesterday I woke up and realized he was in the bathroom jerking off to porn on his cell phone because we had an overnight guest in the computer room.  It feels like a slap in the face to me and I'm losing my patience.  I feel like I am second choice next to porn and masturbation.  He seems to spend all his spare time thinking about, looking at, and jerking off to other women.  We have talked about this several times, but he just gets angry and defensive and says that I'm invading his privacy and overreacting.  I'm very angry with him right now and he doesn't seem to understand why.
Any thoughts or advice?  Am I being unreasonable to want more sex and less of his time and attention spent on porn?  I'm getting fed up!

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darkgypsygyrl darkgypsygyrl 5 years 11 weeks
I so know how you feel . Only he does in the morning every time i go to work. And he totally denies everything." I only do it once twice maybe three times a month. And this week alone he has done it twice and it is only tuesday. I feel totally undesireable too. I am 10 years older than my man. I think that now i am just kidding myself , constantly wondering why is he with me ? I feel ugly. Even though friends tell me differrent and get asked out a lot , at least four five times a week by other men. But i sit and wonder why my man does not want me. ? Today I have decided to let the one thing i love most in the world go , Totally breaking me , I cannot feel like this either. My adivice to you is if you really love him try and work through it , if he denies there is really nothing you can do at this point besides move on your self. I think that if yoiur man knows how you feel and still does not even try at least for your benefit to stop or at least slow down. that is not good . total self induldgement is usually a sick sight.
Layla75 Layla75 6 years 18 weeks
My ex had such a bad addiction that is why he is now my ex. Your supposted to feel happy, wanted and most importantly loved. If you tell him how this is upsetting you with him doing it so much and he can't at least slow down or share with you . . . get some movies to watch together or simply tell him you want to watch and start doing yourself maybe he'll come back to you (the real deal) either way, you have to decide instead of just living with the I do know. Best of Luck to you
Wanttohelp Wanttohelp 6 years 19 weeks
All the comments that say it is not you are correct. Most of the advice is to dump him. Perhaps that is what you want to do after hearing my advice. But here is an idea that I have not seen. Porn is obviously important to your boyfriend. If you are willing I think your boyfriend would be excited to make love to you if he could look at porn while doing so. If he put his porn on a laptop he could look at it while making love. It probably limits you to the missionary position but it is is possible for him to do both, and if it is OK with you I am sure your boyfriend would love you for it. That way he can have it both ways.
mom44g mom44g 6 years 19 weeks
I was in a similar situation; I loved the man more than I have ever loved anyone, but after I realized what was going on I tried to live with it and always feeling neglected. He didn't want to watch it with me; her would wait until I went to sleep...we slept in separate rooms eventually. I blamed myself although I was attractive and in great shape. I look back and think that on and off for ten years I tried to make this man happy, but to this day he is not married again and is in his fifties and I am sure is still doing the same thing...it's sad....but if he is neglecting your feelings and doing this several times a day, he needs help. It will only continue to make you feel worse; eventually you'll look to someone else for what you are missing with this man....people are strange.
knock knock 6 years 19 weeks
Hello, Actually I decided to signed up only to answer to you. I was looking for that kind of problem too cause I though I was alone. Ok so I'm a man and I think I abuse porn too. You know those lonely lovers night became different. Now i'm just wishing she's going to fall asleep so I can go and watch porn the whole night. But still it's the same as your husband...or man said he still finds you attractive. I believe that and you should believe him. The problem with porn, espacially since internet made it so accessible and offers a lot a variety is that...as a man, You always feel like you wanna see more...you didn't get enough. But as for the love, the attraction and everything, it has nothing to do with you relashion. Probably he loves you so much and get his dick hard everytime you touch. The problem is curiosity, easy "cumming", and variety which makes your normal life looks a bit...well I'll say it ... boring. So bottom line, what I think you should do is talk nicely to him about that matter, and ever ask him to watch bold movies with you so that he could fill is curiosity and enjoy having sex with you. That's what my girlfriend did and it work... You need to understand that as a man it's hard to accept this thing so you need to really show your love while your saying it. Don't say it like your blaming him that's why he will get defensive and everything. Well hope it helps
renji821 renji821 6 years 21 weeks
Hi, I have the same problem as your guy so I kinda understand what he's thinking. Have you tried watching porn together with him? Maybe you could masturbate together with him. It'll make him feel different when you are beside him doing the same thing. Then he'll prolly realize that its kinda dumb to do it himself when his wife wants it badly too. My girlfriend used to do that to me, really just couldn't resist it. Also, when you watch him masturbate you can figure out how he turns himself on, also it helps if you know if he is just watching only a few mins of it to jerk off or watching the whole video. Looking at what you wrote. I think he just wants to have quickies. He wants to get off really fast cuz he comes home during lunch, and does it before going to work. Don't worry its just a phase that he's going thru. Do not go around deleting his porn or stop him from doing so. You will most likely just agitate him.
rookie21 rookie21 6 years 21 weeks
Number one don't ever blame yourself. Porn is evil men really do get addicted and five times a day that is way to much I can see maybe once a week because he isn't getting any but your still very much there giving him what he needs. TALK to him!
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years 21 weeks
Get him checked for porn addiction. Once it starts interfering with your relationship, the porn is a problem, and it's definitely a problem now. Sounds like pretty textbook porn addiction too. Talk to him about how you're concerned that his porn is interfering with your relationship, and get him checked into therapy if he doesn't stop.
bowyerlori bowyerlori 6 years 21 weeks
I have to agree witht the others..especially notinthemood...he has worn his pee pee out! All that masturbating has left him weak and his libido down...I would bail too like jazzytummy suggested. Seems to me he doesn't want the help nor does he care about your feelings as a woman and as his wife.
mootsietesla mootsietesla 6 years 21 weeks
I really feel like I am in a similiar situation as the original poster. My husband never wants to have sex. He's always too tired. We do have small kids so it is tough, but not impossible. He does work long hours, so I know he's tired but hey we have two small kids, I'm tired too. Our marriage is fine in every other way but that. He kisses me, writes thoughtful notes buys thoughtful gifts for all the occasions etc. We talk all the time about just about everything, so communication is not a problem. We agree on mostly all areas of our life. We are friends and we have a good life. HOWEVER, he doesn't ever want to have sex. I always initiate! We do have sex but again I always have to initiate and it seems like he is doing it as a chore. Lights always out, eyes closed. He used to look at me. I know I've gained some weight after having the kids but not that much. He's not as young as he was when we first started dating. Also, when we do have sex he only wants to have intercourse and a bj. Even though I ask, he never goes down on me, but he used to. I've tried to talk to him about our lack of sex and he always dismisses it saying he loves me, I'm attractive, he would never want to hurt me. He acts like everything is fine. Lately, I've told him it's not fine and he can't keep dismissing it. That it's a real issue. He said he didn't know that I was that upset about it and he was sorry. Now, I'm really at my wits end because I was checking files on his computer and I found an incredible amount of porn: pictures and video. I mean alot! So, all this time I thought well maybe he really is tired as he does work long hours, but he's not too tired to satisfy himself. I'm not totally opposed to him viewing some porn and I know that it is difficult to have sex when you're tired and have small kids BUT he should be showing some attention to me instead of his computer. I'm not sure what to do. I do love him but I'm this is becomming a huge wedge and I don't want to live in a sexless marriage anymore!
Astrinde Astrinde 6 years 21 weeks
All of the posters above are correct in that this is his problem, not yours - but it is affecting you in a terribly hurtful way, and I'm sorry that you're suffering because of it. Instead of trying to talk to him about his habits, his problem, or anything involving him, my best recommendation is to talk to him about yourself. There are many reasons he may be doing this - feeling under a microscope because of work and not being ready to move in with someone, or some deep-seated issue of which even he is unaware - but since he's not talking, there's no way for you to know. You do, however, know yourself. I would say something like this: "I'm sorry that I've invaded your privacy by checking your Internet logs. The reason I've done that is because I am very dissatisfied with our sex life over the last year. I can see that you have not lost interest in sex or women, but you seem to no longer want sex with me and are not concerned about satisfying my needs. This is a big problem for me because I still want sex, and part of the reason that I got into a long-term relationship - instead of, say, casually dating different people - was to have you as my partner, not to be mostly celibate. I understand that you may be happy with the way things are, but I'm not. If things between us are not going to change, then I'd like to ask for permission to discreetly and safely meet other sexual partners. If you can't allow that, then we should discuss breaking up." Whatever conversations you do have in the future, approach them from a place of rationality and strength. Talk, not necessarily about his porn addiction - no-one can really make someone else realise and face an addiction - but about the fact that he seems to have sexually 'checked out of' your relationship and is not satisfying you the way he did.
justanerd1975 justanerd1975 6 years 22 weeks
need to add, many people said this bu you need to hear it a lot- at the time that we married I was young, very thin, very attractive as far as plenty of guys being interested in me and he had been doing that before me, and all along. And to the other girls after me! It's not you, it's not you, it's not you- please, please know this. It's him, he has something wrong.(By the way, I'll bet pleanty of other men find you attractive- let that be in your mind as well.)
justanerd1975 justanerd1975 6 years 22 weeks
Oh my gosh, I wish I had seen your post earlier because I am the one to talk to you!! Let me tell you, I have been Exactly where you are- I could have written this Exact post. During my first marriage I found out that my husband had this same problem, and just like you I went through every emotion you wrote about, for me it went to the point of extreme anger- we had talked about it and he had rationalized it and been defensive about it to the point where it was obvious that my tears and sad attempts to re-engage him with me where no match for his desire for pornography, and it got to the point that when I would wake up in the middle of the night or come home from grocery shopping and not be able to locate him anywhere- and of course I would eventually find him hiding looking at porn- I would yell at him, at one time I dumped a pitcher of cold water on him. It was not healthy; I was young-pregnant- desperate for my husband to stop this and feeling betrayed, but you know what he wouldn't stop- and of course he didn;t think he had 'a problem.' It was either stay and put up with this, or go and start over without him. I got angry enough to choose to go and thank God I did, it was the best decision of my life. This is fifteen years ago, and from what I hear from folks he has lost both relationships he has had since then- to porn!- and he has been (big surprise) an absent father. I am glad that he was however, because he was not capable of being a good role model for a son. Seeing porn wallpaper kind of messes with a little kids head!!( his first apt. after I left and the house of course went up.) The saddest part about all of this is that years later his sister told me that his father had watched porn with him all those years while he was growing up- a kind of father/son bonding it appears. This man poisoned his son and for many intensive purposes, ruined his life (he can't keep a relationship,can't put porn aside to parent his child even), and I can't think of someone who needed intervention and help to get better more than this guy did, and does. Tragic. Take it from a woman who has also been where you are, if he won't see this as a problem he will not change, you will have to live with it- or move on. And if you have kids, or ever plan to, please be aware that these habits will come across to his son or duaghter- it's just a matter of how and when, and will you ever be happy to be second fiddle to porn? I know you deserve better than this. I wish you all the strength and love one female can give another as you decide where your life goes from here...
gamestomper-6 gamestomper-6 6 years 22 weeks
get out with what dignity you have because this addiction , i feel, will destroy both of you if he doesn't seek counseling....i'm so sorry for yous situation.
generaldada generaldada 6 years 22 weeks
Wow...that is very excessive and no doubt addictive; He needs help ASAP. Please, please, please, it's not that you're unattractive or that he doesn't love you: From a man's perspective and having been a every now and then porn watcher (not to any dangerous extent), I can tell you it does take away from your natural desires to make love to your partner; don't be misled, your boyfriend (hubby) can become an porn addict and should be willing to either pray and repent his way out of it or seek serious help. Since my wife left me (Nothing to do with porn movies), it's a struggle to try to not watch a little free porn flick - I'm such a prayerful man, that prayer helps and until I decide to date again, I'm fighting with all my might to stay away from porn free movies,etc. I'd love to have a new woman in my life to make love to every night, but,viewing porn will surely take a man's best effort to not seek a real live partner. I really hope your man get a grip before he's too far gone!
NorthsideGirl NorthsideGirl 6 years 22 weeks
My advice - confront him. Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him how it is affecting you and the relationship. If he wants to get help - great! If not, I wouldn't stick around, it will only get worse. With that excessive amount of porn usage, it sounds like he has an addiction problem. There are resources for him to get help, but only if he wants it. If not - bail.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years 22 weeks
Too tired for sex from too much porn? He's gross, and it's disgusting. Seriously I would get rid of this guy. Find someone else who's has a healthy mind and attitude in life. Someone who's interested in the real thing and can satisfy you. He sounds like an addict. Too bad that's his problem. Maybe before you do that though, put a few drops of Tabasco sauce in his personal hand lotion supply or something. Sorry, but I would be so grossed out by his behavior it would give me the creeps.
notinthemood notinthemood 6 years 22 weeks
Of course he's too tired for sex... his manhood is probably blistered from so much activity! This is a classic sex addiction, IMO. To clarify, sex addicts don't have mutually fulfilling sex lives with their partners. They essentially use people to get their "high"... their fix. You can't replace his porn because he's not looking to enjoy sex with another person, his intent is to fulfill a desire of his own... to be pleased or satiated or whatever. This doesn't have anything to do with his sex drive. You need to get away from this situation because he could easily move on to other things (rub 'n' tug, prosties) and bring home some creepy crawlies to spread to you. It's only porn now, but eventually I think he will tire of El Mano. Trust me... it's a situation that hits very close to home. He's the only one who can fix this, and he seems totally unwilling to admit that it's a problem.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years 22 weeks
He has a serious addiction, and the only thing you have to decide is if you want to be in it for the long haul. He hasn't even admitted to having a problem yet, and he may never. Even if he does and agrees to get help, it is still going to be a long, tough road. Good luck with your decision. Personally, I would bail.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years 22 weeks
I agree with the girls. 3 or 4 times a day is just ridiculously excessive. I really think that he has a serious porn addiction. And it is really sad that it is affecting your intimacy, but I would agree that I don't think it is anything to do with you. He has an addiction and most people with addictions are not capable of changing it on their own. I think that you need to tell him how much it hurts you without blaming him. Own your feelings using words like "I feel..." etc. If he is not willing to accept he has a problem or seek help for it, then it may be time to move on. I would give you the same advice if he had a serious drug or gambling addiction, because if the person is not willing to change, then it will probably deeply upset you and destroy the relationship after awhile. If the way that you have been talking to him has not worked so far, then change the way that you are talking. For example, if you have been confrontational or accusatory, approach him in a tone of love and genuine concern. You deserve more than this, and I sincerely hope that he agrees to seek counseling or go to a 12 step program. Good luck.
honey-knows honey-knows 6 years 22 weeks
Gosh, Navaeh - that's great advice! The only thing I'd like to add is that this behavior is clearly affecting his primary personal relationship, and even though you've raised the issue, he's not willing to modify his behavior. That's a huge sign of addiction. I don't know if there are comparable meetings for partners of sex addicts, but if you can't find one in your area, try an Al-Anon meeting. Although Al-Anon helps people dealing with the affects of living with alcoholics, on some level, addiction is addiction. You can find a lot of understanding and healing there. And don't forget - this is his problem. If he doesn't want to deal with it, all the love in the world is not going to fix it. His primary relationship right now is with porn (just like any addict) - that's a choice he's made - and it's not about you or your self-worth. It may be about his inability to cope with stress, life, etc. - but it's not about you. To your credit, you've been willing to hang in there with him so far, which means your loving and loyal - pretty good qualities in a person. He needs to start doing the heavy lifting now to fix this, and you need support to help you through this. Stay strong.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years 22 weeks
That's very excessive (I used to 'peddle' porn LOL when I was much younger, so take it from me, a gal who loves porn--when I say, it's excessive...it IS excessive) and his excessive amount has managed to seep into your lovemaking (lack of it). I suspect/assume that your bf may have a problem/addiction with porn. Or he's stressed out (not ready for living together with you or taking the relationship to the next level, or etc) and porn is his only 'solace.' Again, don't feel like it's about you or that you're not attractive enough, or whatever. Your guy has a problem. It's going to be hard to tell him to seek counseling or help for this (Esp. if he doesn't feel that he's got a problem), but you know what, you need to sit him down and tell him that although you don't mind him watching porn, his excessive use of it has troubled you. Ask him how he's feeling with the relationship too, if he's having 'cold feet' about living together, or what. If he needs convincing about his excessive use of porn being a possible addiction, ask him if he's capable to abstain from porn for say..a week just to see if he can 'function' without that excessive amount of porn. If he can't (and just has to 'sneak into watching'), he needs to face the fact that he may have to deal with his problems. And once he's realized his 'addiction,' you should also be prepared, take meetings, learn more about how to behave/encourage him to overcome his addiction and always be prepared for relapses. Be prepared too, to walk away if the situation has arrived to the point that he's no willing to change or acknowledge your concern. You don't want to be with a man who's not willing to acknowledge and correct his issues, you're going to end up unhappy all the time and things can always go worse from now on. Good luck.
dreamin27 dreamin27 6 years 22 weeks
First of all don't ever doubt yourself and not feel like your attractive enough. The porn watching is a problem. Its not like its once in a while or a few times a week. He does need to realize that its straining your relationship and not turn it on you and say your invading his privacy. Stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel. If he cares and loves you enough he isn't going to come up with excuses he will change the situation. You will know when enough is enough and figure out if you want to continue to be with him. Good Luck with whatever you decide!