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Natty
Saved 5/23/10 to Ask Savvy

I was invited to the reception, but not the wedding. What do I do about the gift?

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My cousin recently had a "destination wedding". During the planning it was made very clear that it was going to be a small wedding and that no one but immediate family was invited. I recently learned that nearly 40 people attended the wedding, (including some co-workers). My feelings are hurt since he is more like a brother than a cousin.
During the months building up to the wedding, the bride would not even talk with us about the wedding details. When my sister asked her about the wedding dress, she rudely responded, "Ugh! I don't even want to talk about it!" So, 1. we're not invited to the weding, and 2. we can't even ask about the wedding!?!?! Come on!
Next month, they are having a reception. I'm not sure what to do for a gift. My cousin is very close to me and I'd like to do something nice for him, however my feelings for the bride leave something to be desired. My sister tells me that since we were not invited to the wedding, we do not have to give a gift. Is this true?
Can anyone offer suggestions for a gift idea? I don't feel like giving something off her greedy gift registry.
 
Thanks,

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If you are upset that you weren't invited to the wedding itself then perhaps you shouldn't go to the reception. The couple is now a package deal, as others have stated. I'm going through a similar situation where I am begging to cut out some of my fiance's cousins in exchange for the ability to invite some people I know to my own wedding. (His Dad's side alone is HUGE - like, 150 people huge. And since my family is out of state, I only have 17 people coming from "my side"). It's nothing personal - they've done us no ill will - but weddings are extremely expensive and they are NOT, as some people say, family reunions. (Keep in mind your meal at the reception alone is probably costing them $25 or more.) If you go, give them something nice. Maybe not off their registry per-say but something that's not 'crap'. And find out what the real reason was why you weren't invited. Perhaps it was that the bride wanted people there for her and the groom's list was too big already.
lsyrek0505 lsyrek0505
Wow I am surprised about all these comments. You totally need to get them a gift they invited you to the reception. You should also ditch the feelings on being excluded, they had a very small destination wedding, and probably had a terrible time figuring out who to and who not to invite. And your judging a bit here on getting pissed over co-workers -- these are people they see day in a day out and might be very very close with. Get over it, and be happy for your cousin. Dont give him any guilt or grief about not being invited if you are that close with him it had to have been really hard for him not to invite you and he's already dealing with that. Dont be sour and make him feel worse.
I had a mother in law who for years dug in her just-in-case sale drawer for every wedding so she "would get good stuff when her son got married". She would brag about being so thrifty (cheap and thoughtless), She fooled no one. When we were married we just had our immediate families, she was mad because she "was due all those presents back in return". Years later that is how we remember this woman. In her mind ,you give to get something. Is that you? Or would you care about this cousin no matter what? The point is, if you care about someone then let that be your guide to choosing whatever you do henceforth. Your relationship with your cousin may be closer than that of your sister. It is always easy to brag bravado of what another person should do. But when it is you and you look in your cousin's eyes what do you want him to see? Someone he cares about him no matter what or an angry person who disavows his choices, If he is a nice guy then you can bet his choice of woman to love will be equally nice too. Give her time and don't miss out on a great relationship by bowing to a hurt ego. Let it go and wait until it all passes. If you act as if it was a personal affront and get angry you may never get another chance to be friends with his bride. Think about the long term of life. Be a friend and look forward to being there when the babies come. Give her a big hug no matter what. I bet you will win her over by making her feel welcome. If she never thaws , remember you can be there for him later. Marriages are hard to retain these days so help them all you can. Wish them success and she will view you as a positive in her life. Best wishes, The MOB
Natty Natty
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the suggestions. Thanks Chloe Bella, you gave me another perspective that I didn't consider. As for the gift giving, I plan on giving a gift (my sister is not). I was having a hard time coming up with a personal gift idea. Thanks for your input sugars!
insanitypepper insanitypepper
I think you should be the bigger person and get them a gift. I don't think you have to get them anything particularly expensive, but it's an important gesture. You buy the happy couple a present to help them get off to a good start in their new life together, not because you were invited to an event. If this is still bugging you in a month or two, then have an honest talk about it with your cousin.
brindey brindey
I agree with the others, get them a nice gift. Then, say something to the effect that you really wished you-and the rest of your family-could have been there to share in their wedding. Feel free to tack on that you heard from Corky Coworker that the wedding was a blast. Say the whole thing with a big smile to both of them.
No, you don't "have to" since you weren't invited to the wedding, but a little something to say congratulations would be nice.
chloe bella chloe bella
Wow, I feel really bad for you. That is pretty hurtful that they invited co-workers but not first cousins. However, to play the devil's advocate, maybe the bride wasn't trying to be rude to you. Maybe she felt that it would be rude to discuss her wedding and then not invite you, so refusing to talk about the weddind was just her socially awkward effort at not being offensive. Also, maybe they were in a situation where they felt that if they invited some first cousins, they would have to invite all the extended family and that would up the guest list too much. To answer your questions - yes, you have to bring a gift. If you're so upset with the bride that you would consider not bringing a gift, you should probably skip the reception altogether.
skigurl skigurl
yes, you have to get them something. this "reception" is as good as a wedding invite, especially since it was destination. you maybe don't have to spend as much as you usually would, but you have to get them something.
Kellanawida Kellanawida
Wow, that's just awful! I wouldn't get something from the registry, but something personal for your cousin. Or go with SFCA's suggestion and get something revolting!
SFCA SFCA
Wow. I would be hurt too. Since you weren't invited to the wedding, I don't think that you need to buy something off of the registry. I agree with Lauren, get something that your cousin would use/enjoy more. Or if you're still angry, buy something totally hideous!
lauren lauren
Oh that is tough. I would say since you love your cousin you should get something for him. Maybe since you know him so well, you can get him something more personal rather than a gift off the registry! Good luck and hopefully the reception will be fun.