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Uncomfortable for him or me???
Saved 2/07/10 to Confession Booth

I'm twenty-three and I've never been in a relationship

I am twenty-three years old and I have never had a boyfriend. I've wanted one but I am always rejected by guys because I am not pretty. I've tried improving my looks by wearing make-up, doing things with my hair, but it doesn't work. People usually like me too, most people say I am likable and I have many friends who are men but none have ever been interested in me beyond friendship. A lot of the times I end up falling for the guys who are my friends and I am rejected. This is something that happened recently and then the guy who is still a friend and a girl who is a good friend started dating. They haven't come out in the open but it's obvious. Things like this always happen to me. It happened in the summer too, I was rejected by a guy friend and then he found another girl and started to date her. I am fairly thin, and I've started to work out with a personal trainer just because I have a bit of belly I want to get rid of. So I know it's my face that guys don't like. I am starting to think that I should just give up on finding anyone, because what guy is going to want a twenty-three year old ugly virgin? It was always my dream to have my own family someday, but I think it's time to forget that dream. I've always been an independent person, so it's not too big of a deal. I don't know what I am missing out on so I don't feel too bad. I have some single friends who have been in relationships and are looking for that good feeling again, and they are depressed because they can't have it. I've never experienced that, so I am lucky in a way that I don't have to long for it. I think I am just going to make my main goal in life to be financially secure and to have fun. Without a man in my life I don't have to be tied down anyway.None of my friends know I'm a virgin still. I tell people I'm not because it's not like anyone is ever going to find out anyways.

hellcangetus hellcangetus 1 year 45 weeks
I use to think the same thing but what i've learned at 4 yrs your senior is that confidence is key. You need to stop beating yourself over your looks. You need to embrace what you have. The moment I became more comfortable with myself and stopped caring about what others thought I was able to live my life freely and in turn I think guys started to really vibe off my energy and I got more boys. It's absolutely true I promise you. beauty is subjective. All you have to do is react differently towards yourself. Love yourself and people will feel it and will automatically be more drawn to you as a person. Everyone has flaws, but that doesn't stop them from being who they are. You're more than alright. The mirror is lying to you.
lupus84 lupus84 2 years 1 week
Who are you? The one who says that you're twenty three years old and you haven't been in a relationship yet? I would very much like to know your name for i too am a twenty three year old man and i too am not in a relationship as well. Samuel Martin
jssusi jssusi 3 years 10 weeks
I would suggest to reframe your ouwn thoughts, being ugly and unique are two different things. Have you ever seen an ugly/not so attractive super model and yet she's a super model. Your image is what you are pojecting to the world, don't let yourself caught up in what you think the world (only people you knew) thought about you. And much to the look, guys who are only after physical look to be with you aren't worth to keep at all. Be grateful you have that power to prove it, no more wasting time through trial and errors with guys.. When you're young it's natural for wanting to get through things easily, but believe me the best result comes from doing itright instead of just easy.
3 years 52 weeks
OP, I am a lot like you in the sense that I, myself, am a 22-year-old virgin and I have never had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy before (I'm actually saving myself for marriage). But, what makes us different is that I am very content with my life and am proud of the type of person I am. I am confident, funny and pretty if I may say so myself! (I only say that in case you were wondering) I used to dwell a lot on never finding the right guy and I honestly feared that I would be single the rest of my life. Then, I decided to change my perspective and I think you should too: we are both young, we have our whole lives ahead of us. So what, if we never dated. Who cares if we're not experienced?! Any guy who doesn't love you for who you are is not worth it! I've learned to let go of my worries and decided to just have fun, while still maintaining my values and dignity. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to BE the one who makes YOU happy. I may end up being single the rest of my life, but at least I would know that I never sacrificed my standards and values just to have a boyfriend, who might not even deserve me. People might not agree with my choices or way of life and they might say that my standards are too high, but I know that I wouldn't be happy with myself if I did things any differently. You are the only person who knows you the best and you need to be happy with yourself before you try and make someone else happy. Then, and only then, will guys see your confidence shine and that is definitely something that they find very attractive!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years 29 weeks
There is someone for everyone. I'm old enough to know and I've seen it all. You'll meet someone special someday. Don't ever be sad or give up hope. What you wrote is the best thing you can do for now. And remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Ashley868 Ashley868 4 years 30 weeks
This is the poster of this confession. I just wanted to than everyone for replying and the advice. I also wanted to say that I've been getting called ugly since I was 12, and I've been spending all those years trying to improve my face so people will stop. I noticed some people said guys probably don't like me because I am negative, but I keep all of the negativity to myself. I've got plenty of people who like me because they think I am fun to be with, including guys. I just don't have guys who want to date me. I do go out and try to meet guys, and I use online dating sites, but it hasn't worked. So that's why I am just going to stop looking and worry about my money, and I also just want to enjoy being young while I can.
4 years 30 weeks
There is one important thing to remember about all of this : if you truly don't have a lot, or any, dating experience, perhaps looking for a serious relationship appears ideal, but is not likely to go well initially. Take your time. Dating is a marathon, not a race. Don't try to make up for lost time. At 23, most of what you missed out on - most of us would love to forget. You're young and I sincerely doubt you are as "ugly" as you seem to think you are and lets be perfectly honest - we've all seen the couple where one is very attractive and the other may not be viewed as being in the same league, but they are still happy and really do care for each other. Attraction is no doubt very important, but by no means the end all and be all of any real relationship that extends beyond the bedroom - which personally, I don't consider a relationship. I agree with those above who posted that confidence is so important. I hate to get all Tony Robbins on you, but you can't expect ANYONE to love you if you don't love yourself. (I can't believe I repeated something so sappy, but it is the truth.) You need to work on you, not just your outward appearance which you are focusing on, but being proud of who you are. You have something to offer someone, but you need to be proactive in your own life. Don't sit around expecting life to happen to you...make it happen! Just fair warning - you will meet ppl who are deceitful, weak, self-absorbed, or any other undesirables (unfortunately, they don't come with some sort of warning plastered on their foreheads to save us the time and embarrassment), but you will find someone to appreciate you. Dating is tough, frustrating, and full of wasted efforts...but when you meet the person who understands and loves you for who you are, it makes it all worth it! (Besides, if you're giving up at 23...whats the hope for the rest of us who have already past that age?) Keep your head up.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 4 years 30 weeks
I'm way behind, but I have to say, I mostly agree with SKG and SKD. I don't think you need to necessarily be actively pursuing relationships, but you do need to go out and pursue your interests or go out often to bars, etc. that you like with other friends. If you like a particular sports team, find out where that team's backers meet in your city, find one friend to go with you, and go there to watch the games and mingle. If Habitat for Humanity has always interested you, start volunteering there; you'll meet great people that way. You can find a relationship in the same way you can find friends; just find people with common interests and put yourself out there. If you that, it will happen for you. If you feel like that's not working, try something a little more aggressive, like online dating or speed dating. Also, although I doubt you're that unattractive, do you think it's possible that you're passing up potential mates because you don't find them attractive? Of course you want to be attracted to the person you're with, but people tend to date people who are at a similar level of attractiveness to them. (Of course there are exceptions, but as a general rule.) I had a friend who wasn't unattractive, but who was kind of plain looking, but when plain looking guys approached her she didn't want to date them because they weren't good looking enough. Eventually she found a guy, but it took her a long time to figure out that maybe she wasn't meant to date a drop-dead gorgeous man. (I know that sounds harsh, but it's true!)
4 years 30 weeks
Is that your picture? I want to see how you look. I'm 18 and I think I have your problem.
4 years 30 weeks
Was writing a lengthy text, but let me put it shortly. You can ALWAYS get a guy (even if just physicaly); just need to be provocative (be it a short skirt and heels, or dancing sexy like no one is watching; yes, seriously). But according to your post you dont want any guy, you want a nice guy to have a nice relationship with that might lead to settling down. Dont bother looking into the same age group. Start at 28 and above, by that time they start figuring what they want. The key to stop beign the "friend" for me relied on wanting to be perceived as a female; wanting to feel desired I guess as a woman. So I cut back on the tell-all part, and relied on my female friends a bit more for the emotional support. As well a friend who danced very well but very very sexy too when we went clubbing took me to dance with her; so I started dancing like I couldnt care less about anyone.. and that´s when d men that always saw me as a nerdy-boring innocent girl started looking at me in a more womanly way. So how about trying out Belly Dancing? you will definitely learn some provocative moves, d stares will boost your confidence ;) and u get the toned stomach in a less boring way. The most important thing is your attitude, being yourself. When you smile you are more approachable :) and look like a happy healthy person that most guys would want to talk to. Being economically independent, having a great job is an important thing for all of us :) Plus, men like women who do not depend on them for every single thing. They like to be desired, and will be there for you **if hes a good guy im guessing you want** but they dont like being overwhelmed by feminine emotions & hormonal changes LOL *even if they are supportive, they'll get tired/overwhelmed after a couple of times.. and ull become "friend" material*. So I would rely on girlfriends for that emotional support a bit more maybe :) and focus on other things with the men. One thing my mother always asks me is if I dressed myself nicely and did a bit of makeup, if I look nice. Her opinion is that men like women who like to take care of themselves. It shows that you love yourself and portrays someone more confident and organized. Quoting Coco Chanel: "A girl has to be two things: classy and fabulous". Be educated, get out of the house, go to Happy Hours (in DC you meet a lot of young professionals there), join a network for young professionals of your area on facebook for example; you are a fabulous girl i am sure! It will come ;) PS: Im 23, was a virgin until 21 after i graduated from college and dated my ex. Both men I have dated loved and respected em even more for the fact that I never slept around, they thought I was more sure of what I wanted and found it a precious quality. I was the nerdy "friend" type of girl once too. My best friend today 23 like me, is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, so u are not alone; it is a choice to wait around for a great guy :)
Hollywoodjess Hollywoodjess 4 years 30 weeks
i'm 22...and i have never been in a relationship and I have worn my heart on my sleeve with nothing in return. I look at it this way. for every guy out there who doesn't like you--so what--there is someone out there who will. You just haven't found him yet. Maybe you think you like these guys but in reality, you probably won't have something in common with them. Who wants to be tied down to someone who can't carry on a conversation with you about your interests and belief's. So, he may be good looking; however, that doesn't mean there is anything going on upstairs. In the mean time, you are allotted this wonderful opportunity to know yourself. Find out what it is YOU want in life as well as your love life. You have time to do great things like travel, work hard, get your life started, have hobbies, etc. When the time is right, love will knock on your door. the idea of being in relationships and typically married by 23 is embellished much by movies and religion. I have friends who have been married since 20....and they are just now learning their inconsistencies. I'm okay with my single-ness. I enjoy it. It's free range to come and go as I please in life...and your sex life if your business.
4 years 30 weeks
i'm a guy who stumbled upon this website. consider yourself lucky. i was a virgin until i was 26...months before my 27th birthday.i never went on an official date until i was 24. read all my story before you let this drive you nuts anymore. like you, i told people i wasn't a virgin but after awhile some were like "he's NEVER with a girl". in high school i was just a normal kid just shy and the whole sex/dating thing i did not want to dive in yet. but as i got into my mid 20s the rumors started. i literally chose to move away from my hometown just to avoid seeing the same old people who pegged me as the "have you ever seen him with a girl" guy. i wasn't incredibly good looking but i was tall, thin/fit from basketball team, cute, nice and had lots of friends including girls. this added even more pressure/anxiety because someone like me in high school should never have gone without a single date let alone graduate a virgin who had never kissed once. i was similar to you...suddenly i was 22 and it really got to me that i had never had a date. it shocked me. it just seemed like time zipped by and then i was 22 with never a date. i kind of woke up to myself and went "what are you doing?!". it just dawned on me that i let juicy years ago by and now i was a young adult but way behind in a key area. then it freaked me out because i thought like you "who would want me since guys are supposed to lose their virginity at 15 or 16) and by 23/24 be very experienced with females. and once it started to freak me out it became probably a clinical problem related to self esteem or just thoughts gone wild (young people can really be way too dramatic without even realizing it). I really should have went and talk to someone about it. long story longer... i had a miserable existence from ages 24-26. then one day my brother introduced me to a girl of 20 when i was 26. she was very mature for her age and was very experienced sexually, i could just tell. we just were friends but there was chemistry between us. she asked me once eventually "when are you going to kiss me?". that kiss led to us becoming a couple immediately but i would not have sex with her because of performance anxiety since i had just assumed no girl/woman would want to get into it seriously with a 26 year old virgin. my lack of intimacy beyond kisses and hugging really started to make her upset and frustrated by lack of communication of what was going on. it eventually led to tell her i basically only had sex when i was in high school (a lie) and it wasn't good sex. that broke the ice and she looked at me and said "are you a virgin?". i guess she just sensed something. then she said something that changed my life. "it's really okay if you are." i admitted i was with great shame and anguished face going "f***" under my breath as if to know she was going to back off then and this was the end of her. "wow...that's kind of exciting!" she replied. those two sentences she said lifted a massive burden off my shoulders. she was somewhat curious why i was still a virgin but that was more because she thought i was a good catch and how did i last that long without someone snagging me. but the virginity thing did not bother her one bit. she was young but she was very insightful and mature for her age and just was the right person at the right time for me. she told me of two friends she knew that were virgins well into their 20s. i also realized then it really wasn't a big deal that i was a virgin. sure it's really different. sure lots of people would think it strange. but lots of females would be fine with it at least willing to give it a try with me. well, we made a date to have a romantic night with the specific reason of me having a first time sexual experience. she went on birth control so we could do it without protection for my first time. what i didn't know until later on was the weeks leading up towards our eventual hot saturday night had made her flush with passion just thinking about it. our make out sessions became legendary and i was harder than the rock of gibraltar every time we made out. she was bursting with passion. when birth control was in place we were ready to rock eventually. by the time that night came we both were ready to shred clothes right at the restaurant where we were eating. back at my bedroom she could barely stand up she was so hot with anticipation as we made out and kissed. she was shaking as we helped each other undress standing up. i knew i was going to pop a cork within seconds if she touched me. i told her that and said maybe we should wait and calm down. "oh god! i want you so bad!!" and she pulled me on to the bed on to her, laid back, and spread her legs saying "i'm gonna love you so much". i lasted less than a minute likely, but it was so amazing for her, that the first time i had sex and had no idea what i was doing, she had a huge orgasm and that was the first time that ever happened for her during any sexual encounter she had ever had (which she explained to me later haha). we had sex 4 more times that night and probably 200 times the next month. more importantly, i fell in love and we had a great time for over a year and a half. as time went on some things popped up to show us we weren't quite right for marriage yet. and then she decided to return to college to finish her degree. the college was 800 miles away. it was a very sad ending but the whole thing changed my life forever, for the good. as i'm older now and often times i see a mature 20 year old girl, i realize how young a 20 year old is in some ways even if they are very mature. 23 is young too. i find it amazing how she handled herself with me over a very sensitive thing that horrified me. the point is, there are people always out there that will understand you. if 10 million people think you are gross, stupid, ugly, worthless, there will be one to come along who won't. that one can erase all the others. and young people create crazy scenarios where they literally think they are the only ones experiencing a certain thing. you're only 23. you live in a stupid world where children (barely out a prepubescent age) are having sexual intercourse so that a 23 year is embarrassed to be an old virgin. that's weird. you are not. a society where children are highly sexually engaged is a strange society. you are not strange a young person who hasn't yet dated. and don't you use the excuse of looks or some other thing as to why nobody wants you. look at all the handicapped people having relationships and living life full with a partner. if they can do it, you can too with your supposed ugliness (which is just nonsensical youth self-loathing drama). in fact, i think you will be happy that you did not have sex when you were a little teenagers once it does happen for you. the odds are you are going to have sex with someone you have mature love for instead of just doing it to get it over with or getting drunk and it happens. i'm actually glad now that my first time was when i was a fully grown man. i experiences feelings and sensations that would be impossible for a high school kid to experience. i think it is a rare experience and would highly recommend to anyone to wait until you are at least 21-24 to have sex. now, i'm not saying do not date or let mind games keep you from meeting someone. you should simply start joining up with like minded people (even if your interests hobbies seem weird to others). find other weirdos like you. but you are normal, very young, and just fine. just chill out and relax. that's half the battle. i was a complete moron how i let my mind run out of control in my mind.
marcied23 marcied23 4 years 30 weeks
yeah, with anon 26, do not go to hooters!! most of the other advice is spot on, i doubt seriously that you are "ugly" you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone to love what you have to offer. i really hope that you learn to be confident and comfortable in your own body, exercise helps a lot, it's not just getting tone but there's something about the endorphins that are released during a workout, try something fun like kick boxing, i'm sure it will help!. on a side note anon 26 r u seeing anyone? if not, look up my profile so we can chat ;)
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 4 years 30 weeks
Hahahahaha and don't take the Hooters advice.
4 years 30 weeks
Speaking as an anonymous twenty-nine-year-old male, I just want to go and recommend you ignore the above advice to sign on at Hooters. NOT what guys are looking for. Not any guy you care to date, anyway. Anyway, relax. Be fun and maybe a little aggressive and above all yourself. There really are plenty of fish in the sea.
snarkypants snarkypants 4 years 30 weeks
stop being negative. that alone will increase your chances tenfold
b1uebunn b1uebunn 4 years 30 weeks
I agree with other posters that said you need to do things that make you feel great. Do you have any talents? Painting? Singing? Maybe you should take a class and just build up your confidence. Men don't respond to sadness and being down on yourself. You don't want to be cocky, but just be confident. And really, have you seen some couples? Some people are definitely not attractive and have others. I don't know what you look like, but I guarantee you can find someone. You need to take care of yourself (inside and out), and exude confidence and awesomeness. I hope you find your niche for yourself, and then the suitors will come! Don't lose heart!
NinaSuzana NinaSuzana 4 years 30 weeks
hahaha...!u make me feel old coz...only 23 worrying about not having a boyfriend.............?Dats part n parcel of life stop worrying still young...why don't u join hooters restaurant and they trained u well on how to make men fall at your feet not even knees.I was worried when i was the only single lady among my friends...i joined hooters at really changed after fully trained its jus your personality that guys fall for.......try this..:)
4 years 30 weeks
I read your story and had to comment. Lady, the first step to finding love is loving yourself first. I will admit I have never had a boyfriend, I grew up in a strict household so I didn't begin dating or talking to guys until I was 19. But up until that time I always felt ugly and unattractive. But when I when I started looking in the mirror and started to embrace my "flaws" and looking at them as quirks, I had guys all over me. I am 21 and while I still am single I know it's because I'm choosing to be, because like you I am used to being alone I don't want to be in a relationship with someone just because I'm afraid to be single. And while I really want someone to share my love with I refuse to go in to a relationship for vain reasons, instead I focus on bettering myself (personality, career, school) so that when I do meet a great guy I'll have so much more to offer than a pretty face.
4 years 30 weeks
I can relate to this because I am 20 and also have never been in major relationship. In fact, I have never even been rejected as you have because I have always been too afraid to tell me crushes how I feel. However, reading your post I was so sad to assume your appearance is the problem. If there is one thing that is necessary to catch the guys, it is love and confidence in yourself- in your own beauty and personality. As someone mentioned above, there are many 'ugly' people in loving relationships. I truly think that until you learn to love yourself, its unreasonable to expect others to do the same. I really hope that you read this and rethink your attitude a little bit. I truly sympathize with your situation, but the way you frame it is very dangerous.
4 years 30 weeks
u have to stop calling urself ugly
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 4 years 30 weeks
Your post is so full of negativity that I feel like it could be a major reason you're having such a hard time. Confidence truly shines through. I have been around good-looking guys that are very lacking in the confidence department and then there's the guys that may not be the best looking, but they come straight up to you and look you right in eye and you're like, "This guy has got game, and I'm diggin' it!" You're feeling ugly and are so low on your physical looks that you're blaming it for being unable to find a worthwhile guy. Confidence, girl! Walk with your back straight and your head held high. There's plenty of unattractive people that still date (which I'm not using as an excuse to call you ugly-- I think that might all be in your head). The key is getting out there and testing the waters. You can't just sit around and expect life to fall in your lap. It's really good that you want to focus on finances and fun. That's awesome. Build up a little confidence while you do that and you'll catch someone's eye. You'll probably catch a few eyes! Being a confident, financially stable young woman is very attractive :)
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 4 years 30 weeks
I agree with most posters above. Don't worry about it. When the time is right, it will happen. In the meantime, focus on other matters in your life. At 23 years old, I'm certain there other important areas you can apply your attention. Career? Grad school? Friends? Hobbies? Stop focusing on what you DON'T have. Work on what you DO have. Also, this may sound controversial, but I think it's important that you love yourself first (before anybody can really love you, and for you to love someone back). This means STOP the negative self-talk (such as ". . . I am always rejected by guys because I am not pretty . . . "). You may not be the prettiest woman, but believe you're still a good person, worthwhile of a good relationship. Be the love of your life, and I think everything else will fall into place. JMHO.
reesiecup reesiecup 4 years 30 weeks
Has some one actually come up to you and told you that you are ugly or that "it's just your face" that you need to work on now? I feel that if that is not the case, you are likely being wayyy too hard on yourself. Men, albiet very visual and often superficial creatures, are not all that superficial. Looks may serve as an initial attractor, but in the end, intellect and personality seals the deal. It sounds like you are highly motivated to be successful and financially independent. Start focusing on the positive attributes of yourself: Are you really proud of your smile? Your skin? Your skills sets? Your sense of humor? It's not uncommon to have at least one incidence of falling for a close guy friend in one's life. I've had that happen numerous times. It's tough. I remember how crushed I was when he started dating my best friend. But you know what? I eventually moved on and they both moved on. Later on, he changed and has been described as a complete jerk. So maybe you can consider yourself lucky that you didn't have to date your best guy friend only to find out that he's a jerk and lost all respect for him. Thirdly, 23 is not that old. I have friends who are older than you and have never even been on a date. It's okay! Don't let the societal pressures make you feel like a genetic anomaly or failure. Maybe you need to branch out from your current circle of friends. Visit other cities. Join a club. Volunteer. Train for a marathon. You can meet new people and maybe learn more about yourself. I feel that you a little boost from positive people who can tell you how unique you are. Lastly, don't be afraid to wait and let love find its way to you. It'll be so much sweeter. And please don't give up on love. Finding it is not always as easy as it's portrayed on film or in books. It takes more than 2.5 hours or 300 pages... Best of luck!
bryseana bryseana 4 years 31 weeks
First of all, 23 is very young. It's a little early to be throwing in the towel. I remember reading that Brooke Shields didn't have her first relationship until she was 22 and she's considered one of the most beautiful women ever. A lot of attraction has to do with chemistry more than anything else. We interact with thousands of people throughout our lives with only a special few making it into our hearts. It must go beyond the physical - there's a chemistry you just feel with some people.