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Saved 4/08/08 to Group Therapy

My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome!


My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We have talked about being married some day, though we're not engaged. We live together, he knows my family and I speak to his on the phone regularily (they're across the country). We are very close, can talk about anything and have a very... very healthy sex life. We indulge each other in fantasies and we are both ready and willing to discuss new ideas. But for the last few months he has been obsessed with the idea of a three-some.

His best friend's wife recently agreed to having a three-some sometime in the near future (though knowing her, I doubt she'll go through with it. She's very jealous and insecure) so my boyfriend thought that I might be accepting of the idea since our close friends were going to do it too. I considered the idea and talked with him about it a bit and since I didnt automatically go "Hell no! get away from me and never bring that up again!" he is now completely obsessed with it.

When we're out in public he'll point to girls jokingly and say "How about her? She's not nearly as pretty as you are, she's a bigger girl but she looks like she'll be into it." etc etc and then when I get all pouty or react badly he'll smother me in kisses and go "Just kidding just kidding I love you" etc etc etc.

I dont necessarily want to completely axe the idea, I'm open to experimenting with another woman though really I'm not interested in women whatsoever so I wouldnt really want to touch her but I dont like the idea of him touching another her either.. I'm pretty sure I would beat her senseless if he started touching her but I dont want to forget his fantasy because I know that noone should have to let go of their fantasies, they should be indulged before he goes out of his mind and cheats on me. I was thinking that maybe if I set down ground rules like... I choose the girl, I tell them both what to do, he cannot touch her she can only touch him in the way I say (I was thinking maybe us performing fellatio at the same time on him) and he can only have intercourse with me. This way I'm in control, I can stop this at any time and he wont know this woman at all so he wont be able to contact her again.

Now, One of the main reasons I'm saying no right now is because even though our relationship is strong.. we're still growing. I dont think we're strong enough right now to support another person being brought into our bed.

What can I say to my boyfriend to either A) Get him off my back about this fantasy and on to a different one that doesnt involve a third party or B) get him to hold off on this idea until after we're married at least?

Give me some idea of how to deal with this situation. I Do Not want to completely forget about the idea and just say "NOPE, No threesomes for the rest of your life!" because I dont think thats fair for him but what should I do to get him to stop bugging me at least for a couple years?

I'd love to hear from some other women who have indulged their men in this type of fantasy or some women who have convinced their men to change fantasies. Any ideas would be good but I really only want to hear the productive ones... not the people who will just tell me to leave him and move on and blah blah blah.

Thanks!

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Rickymoly Rickymoly 1 year 49 weeks
I know you posted it in 2008 but I thought it may still help
Rickymoly Rickymoly 1 year 49 weeks
Your idea to set rules is very stupid. Then just don't do it if you want to set rules. My boyfriend aslo proposed the idea and he's out of my life. It is disgusting to do it if you are not loving women. I understand lesbians making love to each other because I believe they love each other, but I do not understand that a girl should do something she doesn't want to do in order to satisfy her boyfriend's desire. I hope you don't do it. You must keep pride in yourself.
SusieQ89 SusieQ89 2 years 45 weeks
Don't do it! I always swore I would have nothing to do with threesomes because I saw what happened to other couples. I got married and wow - our sex life was amazing! I was like never before with anyone else EVER. He started mentioning how his ex-wife would never have a threesome with him. Then the cajoling turned to whining accompanied by watching episodes of Real Sex and Swingers featuring multiple sex partners - VERY frequently. This would be followed by long "conversations" about how the people on TV did it all the time and why couldn't he do it too??!? Basically he wore me down. The first time was horrible - we were doing the dual fellatio and I was so furious and jealous and miserable...well...I might have bitten him a little. Ok, I did bite him. Not a lot mind you, just enough to express displeasure. So that episode was ruined. The next day though he swore he didn't want anymore and was thrilled I even tried. Then the "we already did it once but you ruined it so you owe me another one" routine started. Also, like someone mentioned above, the constant "hunt" was so awful. Anytime we would go out and were having a good time, suddenly the "what about her" conversation would start. At first, I could keep him excited by teasing about it and maybe flirting a little (ugh I hated that) but of course it progressed. Well to cut the story short we did it again and let me be very clear ONCE THE DOOR IS OPEN YOU CANNOT SHUT IT AGAIN. Men are generally not willing to go backwards sexually with you. Once they have convinced you to do something, they will expect it in the future. So, now it is 5 years since my first threesome. We are now divorced and I am heartbroken because I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. I really 100% believed that I would stay with him forever. So be very careful with this topic. I remember telling him that that "kind of thing" is best done with strangers or acquaintances and not in serious relationships because of the emotional impact they will have to at least one partner. I fully believe that only the rare exception can absolutely love their partner on the deepest level and be capable of watching them focused sexually on someone else. That is a misery unlike any other. I wanted to die in those moments. I know that the current trend seems to be more and more in that direction as it becomes more common. Threesomes are everywhere in movies and even TV now - the impression that your man has is that EVERYONE is doing it except for him. I have a horrible suspicion that those of us who realize how damaging they can be will really have a difficult time from here on out if threesomes continue to gain so much popularity. Good luck.
Anniemay000 Anniemay000 3 years 2 weeks
I am having the same problem.. When I first met my boyfriend he told me about how he was a swinger and he has had girlfriends in the past that have gone to parties and whatnot.. we have been together for 8 months and its hard for me because last night he said I dont think I could ever see myself with the same person the rest of my life and I have to say that hurt so bad but I dont believe him because I say ok we will break up and he backs down from it.. he also wants me to have a threesome as well and I cant stand women only because almost every relationship I have had has been messed up because of an old friend and my boyfriend at the time getting together... but I am afarid that he will cheat on me if I dont do something.. he even said that if I did it right now he would marry me at that moment and that REALLY hurt and I dont know if he even knows how bad that is to say.. I dont know what to do but I dont want to loss him but I dont want to do something that makes me really sick to my stomach.. you cant help who you love and I would love to talk to you more about this because right now I need someone who is going threw the same thing I am!
xtinax6 xtinax6 3 years 12 weeks
heyy i just joined but maybe u'll still read this...anyhoo ive been with my bf for 2 years and we are very sexual. we like to try anything as far as toys, positions, other holes etc..lol..having a threesome is a fantasy for most men. a while back my bf told me he'd always wanted to try it and i like u i was iffy on the topic. the different between u n i is i am attracted to girls. but only sexually because i could never have a relationship with one any farther than friendship. but still i was iffy because of how i might react to them getting it on. so i asked him y he wanted it. i told him i didn't feel like enough. and he said that it's not that he want to 'bang' another girl..it actually doesn't have anything to do with her and he could care less if he remembered her name after. he said it's an erotic fantasy..him pleasing two women...but he also said that it's not just him 'bangin' her..we're doing it together. we are having sex with her, not him having sex with me and her..u know? so i was like hmm ok i can see this. he said i could pick her, in whatever way i felt comfortable...like being friends with her first or just plain bringing her home (which i wouldn't do) lol. he also said that at NO point during the sex would someone not be tended to. everyone will be interacting in some way at all times cause after all its a threesome...not a u go i go type thing. he told me he would be patient til i was ready and i know it's hard for him. lol. we are planning for something to happen in august and i really am excited cause i want to try everything with the guy see myself with and i would rather know now if i could or could not handle a threesome and it's obviously what he would like to happen and who am i to stand in the way when i would want him to fulfill my fantasies as well. anyway...it boils down to keeping an open mind both emotionally and sexually....but it also might help to get down with a girl a lil bit by urself a while before hand just to be prepared cause i mean first time sex with just two people can be awkward but now add a third...lol anyway if u get this...let me know and i will let u know how things go with me n my bf and hope this helped! :)
Catlike-Thief Catlike-Thief 5 years 40 weeks
I had a similar issue pop up with me a half a year or so ago with my boyfriend of 3 years. We both thought it sounded like a good idea but the more I heard him naming off girls or pointing them out to me the worse I felt about the idea. It literally would make me sick to my stomach thinking of him and another girl in front of me. I was afraid he would be too interested in her and not me so finally after months of convincing myself to talk to him about it I did. He was upset with me but said he understood and didnt want me to be uncomfortable at all in our sex life which is still very good. I think it hurt him a bit more than it should of because I waited so long to say something to him. If you think you will be uncomfortable AT ALL with the situation say something as soon as you can. Tell him that since you are in a deep and long-term relationship you feel it would do more damage than good to both of you. Be honest and tell him that it could very well follow you around for the rest of your relationship and make you both miserable. If he's the right one he'll respect what you say. Like I said he may be a bit hurt but he will understand. If he doesnt... then I'd say move on. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.
Voxi Voxi 6 years 6 days
I hope you're still checking these responses to see mine. I need to tell you how it is from the other side. Though I'm female, I'm the one who has this strange fantasy to see my man with another woman, and maybe even have him watch me with another man. Don't ask why. It's difficult to explain, but I'll try... I believe it's all about security and respect. For so many years I wasn't secure with myself and felt like at any given moment my boyfriends would cheat on me. If they didn't cheat, they simply made me jealous just by asking the check-out girl at the grocery store for the time. I was clearly not a strong person. I also felt like these small gestures were disrespectful towards me. I felt like if I was jealous, my guy should respect my feelings. But I learned something. Though you hear it all the time, respect is earned, not demanded. I spent a couple of years alone and celibate to appreciate my own company and get to know me and learn how to respect myself and know I was worth more. When I finally met my current boyfriend, we instantly fell in love and it wasn't like any other relationship I'd ever known. We instantly respected each other because we earned it right away. I also can tell how much he loves me and desires me, as I do him. I had a great sense of relief knowing that he is perfectly fine to go to a grocery store because I know for a fact he's thinking of me and can't wait to come home to me. With that security, I never have to worry about cheating. Likewise, he can trust me because I am completely in love. When we first met, he completely changed my way of thinking about jealousy when I asked if he was the jealous-type and his answer was 'yes'. BUT.. he added, "Nothing turns me on more than to see you in a bar with guys flirting with you, and you flirting with them. I could sit back and watch that for hours and get burned up, furious, yet loving every second of it...then take you home and make love to you." If that was jealousy, then I loved it! What a way to put a twist on things. One night I asked him if he thought our waitress at a restaurant we went to was attractive, and poked fun that he should get her name, and call me her name in bed that night. He chuckled and we went home to have some amazing sex. He thought I was perverted, and his reaction told me that he was more in to my pervertedness than the actual thought of being with another woman. So I kept going. I told him in bed to think of the prettiest girl he saw that day and imagine her being with the two of us. Every now and then I'd push the envelope, asking him if these fantasies turned him on, and he would tell me yes. So I kept going. He has never asked to actually fulfill the fantasy, which tells me he's more in to me, being a pervert, than actually going through with my dirty thoughts. In turn, I have never outright asked to make the fantasy reality either. It's just playing with thoughts that seems to be more exciting than actually doing it, which is okay. With that, I know that I can trust him to not push my fantasy further. He has told me outside the bedroom that he has no interest to go through with it. He assures me it's only about us, and he doesn't need another woman to join us. So... I kept teasing him with my ideas. For some reason, the thought of calling the shots, getting him to admit he wants to have some company in the bedroom, or hear him admit he finds another woman attractive, or even wanting to sleep with her just makes me wild. But I'm also secure with the fact that he can find all the women in the world attractive and sexy and (maybe) want to sleep with them, but our relationship is grounded enough to know our limits, and above all else, he finds me the most desirable. So as far as I'm concerned, all other women can eat their heart out. :) One night I asked him if my dirty talk excited him, and his response was a little wishy-washy. He said, "It's okay, I guess." I instantly knew that I might have pushed my fantasy too much. When he said that, I would have never known I had gone too far unless he had said something. So instead of it being a regular routine sexually for us, I learned that it wasn't about me and my fantasy, but his as well. We sort of have reverse roles, where he's the romantic and I'm the pervert, and sometimes his wants and needs to just make love and have a beautiful time together just the two of us should be respected. To make a short story long... talk to him. You might be pleasantly surprised that if you just say how you feel, he might make a decision that his little fantasy is not worth losing you over. If he loves you, your relationship will mean more than that, and he will likely drop it. I know for me, it did. Sometimes I'll crack a comment about how I wish he could show me how he'd make love to that waitress if she were with us, but I don't make it constant anymore like I used to. I am too in love with him to ruin anything between us. Let's face it - not every man has a threesome before they die. Most men don't, actually. They get married or have great relationships without the need to be with another woman, because really, when you're in love, one is enough.
slimbuttermilk slimbuttermilk 6 years 18 weeks
Hmmmm....a lot of issues and red flags here. NOT having a threesome because you're not ready is of course a good idea. NOT having it because you feel the relationship is not stable enough to bring in something which you feel would "upset the apple cart" is also a good idea. Thinking let's get married first, then see about all that stuff later, is probably NOT a good idea either. You said NO, right now, and no means no. If he won't shut up, introduce him to the concept of "ladies first", and tell him only after you bring in a second man will you consider his ideas. If he balks at the idea, allow him to recognize how the shoe feels on his own foot, then say "duh...don't you care about my feelings? Mr. self-centered?" Which leads me to believe marriage is the last thing you need till this issue is resolved. You said ur open to it, so, that's cool. All relationships have boundries, if he doesn't respect yours, is there any reason to make such a committment as marriage? If ur bringing in that third person/???...well tell him the boundaries, then go from there if ur ready. I've done both kinds of 3somes and I love the MFM one just fine. But, we are all different. Follow your Bliss!
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 6 years 23 weeks
DOnt do it..you dont sound like you are completely okay with it. Why compromise your feelings for his? You will ALWAYS wonder if he is more into her than you. He doesnt sound like the "one" for you either. I see this so often, women losing themselves for their men. Like one poster said...why wont he invite another man into the bed for you? Sounds selfish to me...you will regret this...dont!
farrah* farrah* 6 years 23 weeks
I agree with a lot of these comments. I know two couples who are still married and have indulged in threesomes but they had terrible relationships to begin with and their children have not benefited either so waiting till you get married to have a threesome would def. be a bad idea. And again a threesome shouldnt be had if youre not interested in the least of touching another woman! Being open minded and willing to try new things is great, wanting to fulfill every fantasy of your boyfriend is a nice thought but if one cant be fulfilled by you its not a big deal...he should understand that and if he really does love you then that one thing wont matter.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years 24 weeks
My sister's marriage ended because she agreed to a threesome with another woman. Her husband started cheating on her with the other woman and it tore apart their marriage. My sister started drinking excessively and became so depressed that she tried to commit suicide 3 separate times, ended up in a coma and almost died. She also had a 2 year son at the time with her husband, who almost lost his mom. I am not joking about this story. Of course this is not a typical story, but I just think why is your bf so desperate to bring another woman into the bedroom? Obviously you are not sexually interested in other women so what would be the point of doing this? Sure, a threesome with 2 women is every guy's fantasy, but most men in a commited relationship are mature enough to realize that it is a bad idea, and could cause many problems. "I know that no one should have to let go of their fantasies, they should be indulged before he goes out of his mind and cheats on me." -Do you really believe that if you do not do this then he will cheat on you? If that is what you think, he is not the right man for you. You should trust your partner enough to know that he would never do this. A fantasy is just that, a fantasy and is very different from the potential realities of this situation. Do you really think that you will feel different about this if you are married to him? If anything, it would be even more uncomfortable then. The bottome line is, I can tell from what said that you are not comfortable with this idea, so why even consider it? Sex is about intimacy with your partner, not him wanting another women. Here's an idea: the next time he brings it up, say 'I can't believe you are comfortable with the idea of bringing another man into the bedroom, that's cool.' Tell him that if he is comfortable with having a 3some with another man, you might consider it. I can almost guarantee that will shut him up. He certainly does not want to picture you fucking another man right in front of him. Maybe he will then understand why you don't want to do it. But my hunch is that he is a very sexually selfish person, and that deep down you really don't trust him based on your comments abouy being worried about him cheating. Sex should be something both people enjoy and feel comfortable with. The fact that he doesn't care about your comfort says a lot about what kind of person he is.
Fallen85 Fallen85 6 years 24 weeks
I kind of get the idea of you wanting to indulge your man in his fantasies, but he probably should have indulged himself in these fantasies before getting involved with a woman he is considering marrying. It seems to me that if either of you want to have a threesome you should have done it when you were in a relationship that you didnt see lasting for the rest of your life. On the other hand, it's too late for that. If you're very secure with yourself and you really want to do this then I suggest blindfolding your man and tying him to the bed, then invite a mystery girl into the room at that point. She will not be allowed to talk and will only be allowed to do what you want her to do, he, obviously, can't touch her or reciprocate in any manner. This way at least he wont know who she was so he can't go after her if he liked her moves but at the same time, you risk him getting a taste for someone else and wanting to go try more people... it's a very dangerous fantasy if you want to keep this man around and from the sounds of it, you do. Also, as per changing his fantasy.. ask him about more of his fantasies and try to switch his attention to that? Talk to him about S&M or voyeurism or something like that maybe this is just one of many fantasies and if you are totally willing to indulge him in those fantasies then he'll let go of this one. Good Luck! "Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"
luisamapacha luisamapacha 6 years 24 weeks
A threesome is the quickest way to destroy your relationship. Notice he isn't interested in another man for YOUR pleasure? It's all about another woman for him! Picture it now - kissing, pleasing, screwing another woman right in front of you. A woman he found attractive and sexually appealing, and invited into your bed. It's nothing more than a free pass for him to cheat. How would you feel about yourself after that? How would you feel about him? How would you feel the next time you saw that woman? How would you feel the next time you made love with him? What if once wasn't enough, and he wanted another one? And so did she? If you said no, they'd meet up without you and do it anyway. He'd argue "You did it once, why not again?" See where this goes? I highly suggest you tell him "I've decided I am not comfortable with the idea of a threesome. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. But for now, the topic is no longer open for discussion." (But be honest with yourself - do you really think that you'll feel better about this idea in 2 years? When you're married or engaged or raising a kid?) If he continues to bring it up, even joking on the street, you'll have to consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with him. Personally, I think his priorities are out of line.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years 24 weeks
If you guys aren't strapped for cash and you want to 'compromise,' regarding this request/fantasy, you can also invest in a real-life doll. I think you can google it, and you can customize the doll (you and your bf can actually decide the body type, the hair, the eyes, the skin, to the most intimate details, etc etc) and you probably end up paying for it around $5000. The doll will be heavier, but manageable/flexible enough to move around (and he can even 'do' the doll too, that's how detailed the thing is), and you can dress her up too anyway you want. No, hubby and I don't have one (he thinks the idea is nuts due to the price, but I can understand why it's that expensive, the doll looks very real). I've found out about this from watching a segment in HBO about this real-size doll and these are like the 'compromise' for couples who want to try a 'threesome' but not wanting to involve in the 'mess.' So it's kind of with another 'person' who basically just sits there and let you guys do whatever to it. (I can't believe I'm actually suggesting this :lol:, but oh well) *Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years 24 weeks
If you're actually one of the people who can deal with it (sharing your man in bed with another woman), hey, go for it. Whatever rocks your boat. But you don't sound like one. In fact, you don't seem to feel comfortable or aroused by the thought of having her either touch you (vice versa), and basically just letting him 'do' her, which most likely will happen in a threesome (I suppose depending on the couple, but y'know, it's a big possibility). You should be able to put your foot down and tell him that you're NOT interested in a threesome. Just be HONEST with what YOU think about the idea and tell him to can it (and to not joke about doing a threesome because it bothers you). Isn't open and honest communication BEST? Sure, he can have his fantasy, many men have the fantasy but in reality, dude, many don't get their fantasy of a threesome come true. Don't even think of doing this to keep him around or to appease him, it's not going to work for you and the relationship will suffer because you'll probably have resentments, jealousy and more issues popping up thanks to this. If he's leaving you based on your not willing to do a threesome (which is preposterous excuse--it must be some other thing), then you should be glad you don't even make it to marriage with him. Oh lastly, if you're not comfortable with the idea of a threesome during dating, don't think that you'll change your mind when in a marriage. And he can always leave you too for that other woman EVEN IF you're in a marriage with him. Why do you think there's so much divorces? :) *Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
redhed1156 redhed1156 6 years 24 weeks
I wouldn't do it just because I have never heard of a relationship that has survived a threesome. I don't know, maybe people are more open than me but you don't sound like you would even enjoy touching the other woman sexually, which you definitely should if you are going to have a threesome. You should be able to get something out of it too. And by the way you are talking (you would kill her if she touched him/he had sex with her) you probably shouldn't do it anyway. If he wants to be with you he should understand. Are you willing to deal with the issues you may have just to indulge his fantasy?