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Saved 2/18/10 to Group Therapy

My boyfriend wants to spend a weekend with his ex aka 3 is a crowd.


Hey all,

I have an almost perfect relationship with a foreign guy for 18 months now.
In the beginning I wasn't sure he'd stay in my country for good due to his job, but soon the situation got stable and we both feel happy.

Last year I bought a new apartment that needed lots of remodeling work and left my old one, we stayed living together, and so we are since July 2009.
Now that the apartment is almost ready, we talked and agreed about moving in, because it seems like the logical step, we get along really well, travel a lot and almost never fight...almost, there's one ongoing unsolved problem that torments our relationship: his ex.
He says they're just friends, and though I truly believe that he means that, I had the impression that she still loves him.
The 3 of us met in September 2008, when she met me she was almost aggressive to me and made no effort to be pleasing.
I could understand she didn't like the idea of being replaced, but I wasn't aggressive in any way.

A few weeks later he went to work abroad for an entire month, and so when he came back he stayed at my place for 3 days.
At the same time she came to our country to spend a few weeks in the sun, so she stayed at his place during his absence.
Since she's not working for 2 or 3 years due to some kind of chronic disease, she has lots of spare time.
She was offended he didn't meet her, she didn't understand we needed some time together after being apart for so long.

I thought it was only fair as on that same Monday, he was going to go back to their country to spend Christmas with her family(!)
So what's wrong to have those 3 days reserved to me, since I'm his girlfriend?
It was hard to let him go and having him spend Christmas with her family and leaving me behind.
There was nothing I could say or do to stop him from going, and I thought several times of breaking up when he came back...I didn't.

We talked a lot, I forgave him and we agreed that he would give her some time off for her to get used to the idea of him being with me.
After that time, they haven't seen each other or been together, so it's more than one year now.
She didn't like the attitude and feels I'm interfering with their relationship.

He doesn't have many friends and he says she's his best friend and that he wants to meet up with her for a weekend to patch things up.
I'm not invited for that weekend because it will make her feel uncomfortable and they won't have the chance to talk.

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that he thinks it's so important and wants to spend the weekend with her, but mostly I'm hurt because I feel like he's putting her before me...yet again.
I think he needs to prioritize now that he's in a relationship, but am I just being unfair and insecure?
He thinks I'm trying to keep him from a close friend, I don't want to be unfair...what do you think?

Anita

P.S. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and to answer :)

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Anita-Lisboa Anita-Lisboa 4 years 30 weeks
Hey you all, So I gathered some of your suggestions and showed my post to him... He was surprised with all your answers and so we talked a bit more...this time was faster. Also he pointed out for the negativity of the answers and how nobody quoted the parts where I said we have an " almost perfect relationship" or "we both feel happy". I hadn't much more to say than to repeat what I had already told him, I'm quite ok with him having his friends (regardless of the sex), I don't think it's harmful to keep is ex as a friend, as long as there are no weekends together without me or sleepovers when he goes there...and he said simply "yes"...I couldn't believe it for a minute or two :) So it's solved...all is well when it ends well. Thanks to all of you!
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 30 weeks
OP, You said, "...it's so much more difficult to leave unsaid the wrong thing at such a tempting moment like this..." --> I agree. Rather than you just leaving without saying a word, you need to sit down with him and tell him exactly what he can and cannot do. You also need to express your anger very clearly and directly. Take charge and tell him exactly what you want to tell him. It is much better than leaving without saying a word.
Anita-Lisboa Anita-Lisboa 4 years 30 weeks
Thanks for your posts and for speaking your mind. I think both him and me need to read some other opinions and figure things out. It's nothing as serious as polygamy Lady :) We do have a few cultural differences since I'm from Southern Europe and he's from Northern Europe, but I still think that some things shouldn't be needed to speak in a long term relationship, such as spending weekends with people of the opposite sex, specially if they're ex-lovers...to me it's a rule that needs no previous agreement. I'm trying hard not to jump into a conclusion and to break up immediately, not just because I care immensely about him but also because I always thought that it's so hard to say the right thing in the right place, but then again it's so much more difficult to leave unsaid the wrong thing at such a tempting moment like this. I'm thankful for all the advices and will read every word. Anita
notinthemood notinthemood 4 years 30 weeks
He's already prioritized, hun... and you're not #1. I'd be suspicious too, and I think it's completely inappropriate for once-lovers to be best-friends... that just doesn't happen. My ex used to say that his ex-girlfriend was his best friend, but she was the SAME WAY toward me that this woman is to you... she'd laugh at all his jokes and just give me mean looks. Needless to say, he still had a thing for her. And I broke up with him. You can't tell a grown man what he can and cannot do, but you can refuse to stay with a grown man who doesn't put you first in his life, and honestly, that's your only option.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years 30 weeks
Anita, You said, "...he thinks it's so important and wants to spend the weekend with her...." --> Then let him go. As a matter of fact, you should encourage him to go, because that is what he wants to do. Just make it clear that it is over between you and him WHETHER HE GOES OR NOT. "...but mostly I'm hurt because I feel like he's putting her before me...yet again." --> He is. "I think he needs to prioritize now that he's in a relationship...." --> Yes. He does not understand the responsibilities of being in a relationship. He needs to do some growing up, and that clearly is not happening. Men who are in a relationship cannot do things like spend a weekend with another woman. He has to learn that, and it is not your job to teach him that. (Do you think it is your job to tell him that he is acting childish?) "...am I just being unfair and insecure?" --> No. You are in a relationship with a guy who needs to grow up. You should tell him that he needs to grow up. You may be insecure, but that has nothing to do with this present problem. "He thinks I'm trying to keep him from a close friend..." --> You are. Tell him that giving up close female friends is part of having a girlfriend. And, tell him that yu are shocked that he is so immature that you have to tell him something he should already know, and that you are mad as hell at him for even thinking such an idea. (Have you told him that you are mad as hell about all of this?) "I don't want to be unfair..." --> You are being fair. He's lucky that you haven't thrown him out already. Tell him that.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years 30 weeks
If I were you, when he got back from his weekend with his ex, his stuffs will be waiting for him on the front door. If the situation were reversed, I doubt he'd find it very appealing for him. Ok, it's sad and all, she's got a sickness. I understand that he and she might have been friends at one time (but in a year, they've not even had proper friendly contact--that's hardly what I'd call 'best friend' anymore). You have made it known that you're uncomfortable with him going and spending a weekend with his ex but he's not willing to reconsider your feeling or ease your insecurity (and believe me, I will feel insecure if my bf seems to prioritize his ex over me). Instead, he'd rather you sacrifice you and his relationship with you. So it's clear, dear, what he really thinks, no ifs or buts about it. You're undermining his feeling for his ex, he cares more about her. She won't be able to force him to come over there and reconnect, your bf has no gun pointed at his head telling him to come over and to ditch you behind, it's both of their idea. Actually, since you've mentioned foreign, is it any possibility that this guy is coming from a country where polygamy is acceptable. This may not even be his ex, dollface, this may even be his first wife. I mean, um..yeah, I know that sounds far-fetched, but I've actually heard it happen. To a friend of mine too. She was completely blindsided. The guy claimed to not be married/engaged and just friends with this so-called 'ex,' and it turned out, she's his wife and they have a kid! And she's only 'going along with her husband's act' (begrudgingly/jealously) b/c it's in her culture to accept a second wife and that her husband convinced her that he's only 'using' my friend for a place to stay, food, etc. It was really messed up, I hope it's not the same type of scenario. Good luck!
Janine22 Janine22 4 years 30 weeks
I think that his behaviour is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. ESPECIally spending Christmas with his ex!!! If you sense that she still has feelings for him, then trust your instincts, you are probably right. Basically this is hurting you a lot and your bf has reached the point where he needs to decide who is more important to him at this point. If he thinks that his friendship with her is more important than you, then probably he still has feelings for her as well. Personally, I am ok with my fiance having female friends, but I would not be ok if he spent Christmas with his ex or put another girls feelings above my own. I think that you can do better than this guy, he is not respecting you. Good luck.