Paranoia, Fear, and loss of self worth
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We live together and share a dog. In febuary I had discovered he had been talking to this girl who lived literally down the street from us over webcam. He was always talking sexually with her, asking her to show her breasts and perform sexual acts on cam. I was very hurt and socked when I discovere this. Before I had started dating my current boyfriend I had been in an abusive relatinship where my ex had cheated on me multiple times. My current boyfriend was aware of this and when he asked me out he promised he would never do anything to hurt me. For the first time in a long time I felt secure in a relationship so naturally when I discovered what he had been doing I ws upset and felt betrayed. He even went on a wlk with her and lied to me about it until I found out. I know not everyone thinks his way but I consider webcam sex different from regulare porn infact I see it as cheating. Anyways, I had told him I found out about it and I aske him to stop. He said alright and told me he stopped. I fet I could trust him but a month later he continued to do it but now every time I talked to him about it he got frious at me and would yell and shout and accuse me of snooping on his compter which, thought i was rather ashamed of mysef I admit to it but I had seen him seaking with her again so I became suspicious. I kept sking him to stp and he kept saying he did but evidence and convorsation history said otherwise. Finally I tlked to one of his good friends about it and he told me he would talk to him about it. He came to the house and adressed my boyfriend about what he was doing, how it was wrong, and how he was hurtng me. My boyfriend didn't say a word while hs friend was talking and when he finished all he said was, "I stopped." I thought that our friend had gotten through to him so for a while I felt more stable. I trusted that he told the truth and that he had stopped.
However... About a month ago I was stting next to him while he was talking on msn. I had looked over and he pulled his laptop away and minimized the convorsation. I asked who he was talking to and he said "I'm not talking to anyone." like I was so ignorant that I didn't see him talking to someone. I asked him agian who he was talking to and what he was talking about. He got angry and yelled "It's none of your business".Naturll I was very suspicious and I checked his laptop history agian and found out her was talking to the sae girl again. He had even said he would meet her after work one day. I know he didn't meet with her because he arived home on time every morning.I told him I found out he was still talking to her and burst into tears. All he said was "I'm an idiot" he didn't really show any remourse though he was hugging me in a comforting way. I tlking to him about his little meet he had planned and he said he would never meet her but he had lied and said she was a girl in another city like I wouldn't put the pieces together. Itlke to him again about it and agani he said "I stopped. I won't do it again, now stop bringing it up because every tm you to it triggers it and makes me want to do it." he also said things when I would look on his laptop like, "Youre only looking for a reason to break up". I would have assumed most gils would have dumped him for this but, ad I do admit to it, I'm so stupidly loyal to my lover. Anyways, he deleted and blocked her and recently I haven't seen anthing that seems like hes doing it again but deep downI am feeling this horrid paranoia. I'm scared to trust him and I don't know if he's being honest or if he'll do it again. I'm even paranoid when he says he's going somewhere but my mind skews it and I think he's goin to meet that girl. Also when he was doing this it mae me feel like I wasn't good enough and my self worth plumitted to where I stan now where I can't stand myself. To be honest I fet like was playing second fiddle to a camgirl's tits. I could not comprehend why he did it. Our sex life is perfetly active. I do things to keep him happy and he still did those things like I meat nothing to him.
On another note when it coes to sex, his sex life in booming. He gets the whole nine yards but on my side he never tries to pleasure me unless its sex where he's recieving too. Even small requests he normally brshes off like he's too tired or busy to do them when he's always ust itting on the couch playing xbox 360 or watching tv (both activities I see nothing wrong wih I enjy them nboth myself) but he seems to try and avoid doing things. He buys me things when he has extra money bt I always tell him I'm not into material gifts, I'd much rather a backrub over a gift but he hates giving back rubs. He loves recieving them however.
Anyways this turned out much longer that I thought it ould be. I normally try not to rant on like this but it certainly helped to get it off my chest. But what Id like to know is how to I deal with this? I need some external advice.