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Saved 11/18/12 to Group Therapy

Remaining friends with an ex's family


The background story: I dated my ex for two years and we've been broken up for almost two years now. I spent a lot of time in his home with his family and friends and I adored them with all my heart. When we broke up, having to leave his family was pretty hard on me. We continued to casually see each other for about 9 months after our break up. Out of nowhere I found out he had a baby and that was when all hell broke lose. The girl he got pregnant found out he had still been seeing me. The gist of it was: she said ugly things to me, I said ugly things to her and then my ex and his friends also said ugly things to me. At the time I had absolutely no idea he was seeing her or let alone gotten her pregnant. Either way they were all determined to paint me as the biggest bitch on Earth. All of this has taken place the beginning of this year and I'll admit that it has been really hard on me. I still haven't fully gotten over the situation. During one of the many email exchanges with my ex he deliberately told me to stay away from his friends and family. It's been about 8 months since he made that request and I honored it because I really didn't want to bring more drama to my life. Well today I went grocery shopping and miraculously ran into his mom. She immediately hugged me and we talked for awhile. She insisted that I visit her and come over for dinner and she also told me that I will always be her family. I don't know if I should follow up with her request. Seeing her for just those 15 minutes hit me pretty hard because I was suddenly floaded with great memories of being with his family and also with him. I know me and my ex have been officially broken up for almost 2 years, but it's been less than a year since we were last together and only about 8 months since our last confrontation. I've spoken with some friends and they said I should go visit my ex's mom. I feel like I might not be strong enough to be surrounded by his family and all of his home belongings (even though he doesn't live there any more). Should I consider visiting them (even if it is infrequent) or should I just leave them in the past? I think I'm also a bit afraid of spurring an argument with my ex. 

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Jennifer3505232 Jennifer3505232 1 year 43 weeks
This is definitely a decision you will have to make for yourself because every situation is different.  I have maintained a relationship with my ex-boyfriend's family, and even spent some vacation days with them over the summer.  My ex wasn't very happy when he found out about it, but he and I were together for a long time and his family and I had a very good relationship.  His mom and I weren't willing to give up the friendship we had formed just because my ex was an idiot and decided to cheat on me.  Do what feels right to you.  If you can handle being around his family without missing him, and the relationship you have with his mom is something you care about saving, then visit.  If you don't think you can handle being around them, just explain that to his mom.  I'm sure she'll understand.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 1 year 43 weeks
Donna's answer reminded me of an ex of mine that would call my mother -- it bothered me because he was talking to her but not to me. It felt creepy. I told her as long as they weren't talking about me, I was fine with it. Turns out if they couldn't talk about me, he wasn't interested and stopped calling.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 1 year 43 weeks
Funny I remember this coming up with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's mom, who clearly was on Team Aniston with lots of cozy long-distance meetings when he started showing up around town with a pregnant Angelina. A magazine hired a psychologist who said the mom needed to throw her allegiance to her new daughter-in-law for family peace. I think a visit would clarify things for you and give you enough information to figure out what you need to do. It will bring home the past is the past for sure. You will hurt after that meeting, that is for sure. It could be a healing pain or not. If it makes you feel more involved with him or want to be more involved with him, you would want to stop seeing her too. That's the wrong direction. If you and his mom have a real relationship, that's between the two of you as well. Ultimately though she's got to get along with her son and his partner. You have to respect whatever that takes. That's life: complicated and ever-evolving. Good luck!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 43 weeks
oh the answer to your question: you should leave them in the past. Good luck.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 1 year 43 weeks
Ultimately you can do what you want. You have a right to see his family and his friends if you want to. However, I think that you should respect your ex's wishes and distance yourself from his mom and his family and friends. Maybe not his friends but definitely his immediate family. I had an ex that used to like going to the pub with my father and having chats occasionally. I really didn't like my ex doing that, i thought that he should get a life and find his own people to hang around. Continuing to visit his mom and having friendly hang outs with her will more than likely cause arguments with your ex, do you really want that?. I think it isn't necessary that you keep them in your life especially if it is really bothering him. I get the feeling from your post that by continuing to hang out with his friends and family that you are somehow holding onto him and the relationship you had with him. It's over, leave the past in the past to prevent further drama with this guy.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 43 weeks
ok, my earlier post got flagged. Confused b/c there was no cuss words in it.