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Saved 5/26/10 to Mommy Dearest

Mommy Dearest: Babysitter Wants to Bring Her Boyfriend


Mommy Dearest -

My Saturday evening babysitter has been with us for a few years now, watching my kids once or twice a month while my husband and I get a break from our home life. She is a local college student and is great with my two kids. Last weekend, for the first time, she asked if she could bring her boyfriend when she came to sit for us. He was visiting from out-of-town, but she had previously agreed to work for us, and she didn't want to cancel. While I appreciate her thinking of us, I said no because I was afraid that she would not be able to pay adequate attention to the kids and her boyfriend. My husband says I was wrong – that we trust her with our kids, we should trust her judgment too. Who's right here?

– Prudish Mama

To read Mommy Dearest's response, .

Dear Prudish Mama –

You raise some valid concerns here. It probably took you and your spouse a significant amount of time to learn how to balance each other and the kids at the same time – and you didn't have the additional factor of time spent away from a long-distance lover. Perhaps if you had the opportunity to meet the boyfriend before that night, you could have made a more informed decision based on what you observed, but given my experience with college sweethearts separated by more than a few miles, you probably made the right decision here.

— Mommy Dearest

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4 years 16 weeks
I think you made the right decision based on your feelings since we're talking about your kids and not house sitting or something. However in defense of your sitter and as a long time sitter of a family when I was in college I have to say I loved those kids and totally wanted my boyfriend at the time to meet them. I felt like the were practically my family. Also, it was cute and sort of interesting to see how he totally had fun with the kids which I think is important. Maybe she really likes you and your family and wanted to share that with her bf as well.
4 years 16 weeks
I was in this situation before - as the babysitter. I had a long-distance boyfriend who was visiting on weekends and also babysat for couple (granted I'd been babysitting for them for 9 years). I also asked permission from the parents if my boyfriend could tag along. They were rightfully reluctant, but the way we worked things out was I brought him over during the day to meet the family and the baby (it was a 2 year old boy, if that makes any difference) and they got to know each other a little. When they felt fine about my boyfriend and they knew I wasn't going to shirk my duties as a babysitter (I think the whole ignoring the kids/making out on the couch is mostly a movie-driven image), they let him come practically every weekend with me to babysit. And the baby LOVES him. Absolutely ADORES my boyfriend. They get to "play rough" (2-year-old appropriate of course) and we have never done anything inappropriate in front of the baby or after he's asleep. This might just have been MY experience, but all I'm saying is that if you trust that the babysitter is a mature adult, you could try meeting the boyfriend - test him out, and then maybe NEXT time you need a babysitter and she wants to know if her boyfriend can come, you'll feel more comfortable. But of course, you're also completely in the right to say no if you get ANY feelings of "this is not right." It just happened to be right in my case...
Julie12345 Julie12345 4 years 16 weeks
Mostly, in my opinion, if you like this girl so much give her the night off. Her BF from out of town is visiting. You can stay home one night and let her go out on a "date night." I would bet the guy is fine, but you may want to put her needs first this one time, then she will be even more greatful as a good sitter.
runningesq runningesq 4 years 16 weeks
I agree with skigirl. You don't know this guy and have no idea who he is or what he's like. It may sound super paranoid to think that he could be a child sex offender, but it's possible. You have to put your children first. It was mature of her to ask, and I'm sure the guy is probably fine, but I would have done the same thing.
skigurl skigurl 4 years 16 weeks
I don't think you made the wrong decision, if it's what you were comfortable with. Not only would she possibly not pay enough attention to the kids, they may do unthinkable things on your couch while the kids are asleep and the kids would accidentally walk in, and furthermore, you don't know he's not a serial killer or worse. Maybe you could have asked her to bring him over to meet you, but really, you didn't have to accomodate it at all. She committed to you, and it's your call.
4 years 16 weeks
I think this is a situation that highly depends on your situation! While some may not be comfortable, from what you've said, I'd be very comfortable. Generally my kids are asleep before any sitters come over to our house, so my kids don't usually know the difference. Since you've known the sitter for several years and used her many times and she's been very respectful about not cancelling, and asking your permission, I think she's earned your trust. It doesn't sound like she's going to have some big "reconnection" while she's working, and she sounds like she respects you and your family enough about that!
4 years 16 weeks
i think that since they are your children you are allowed to make whatever rules you want. however, maybe i would have taken the pressure off of her to be there that night since her bf was oly in town for a few days and she deserves a love life too...assuming its a long distance relationship, weekends are probably the only time they get to see each other. maybe offer to go out on a weekday instead. Or sunday night if he will be gone by then. If you arent felxible, and the only time she gets to see this guy is on the weekends, you may soon loose you weekend babysitter if things get serious between them.
adonnam04 adonnam04 4 years 16 weeks
OMG, absolutely the right decision. You don't know this guy at all. You've developed a relationship w/ the sitter, not her b/f. Agreed also w/ long distance college sweethearts, probably best to have their "reconnection" one on one, rather than w/ the kiddies.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years 16 weeks
If I were you, I'd thank her for her good intention (that's nice of her to not want to cancel on you) and find another baby sitter for that evening. If your husband can't accept it, well, tough cookies for him. My husband won't be comfortable with having a stranger coming into your house although he's a bf of a really good babysitter, period. Plus, the bf probably doesn't want to get 'dragged' into baby sitting anyway, and the two haven't seen each other for awhile hence they probably will want to do some private things on their own.
KarlaTrotman KarlaTrotman 4 years 16 weeks
i disagree. she is in college, not middle school. she was mature enough to ask you, mature enough not to cancel (which many would have done) and mature enough to respect your wishes. i think she would have handled the situation properly. my kids are 2 and 4, i'm just thinking of it from my perspective. your children may be younger...i know i can't get a moment alone with my own husband with the kids around, i doubt that the babysitter would have gotten any action.
mstrauss mstrauss 4 years 16 weeks
I would also have said no to the boyfriend coming over, even if my kids were sleeping when the babysitter came. I think I have seen too many movies where the boyfriend comes over and they do things that should not be done on someone elses couch :)