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Saved 11/06/12 to Group Therapy

Update on "His Ex Ruined Our Relationship"


So I told him that I am breaking up with him. I suffered alot to make this dicision but at the end I found myself so afraid and repulsed when I thought about living the rest of my life with this man. I decided to focus on me and clear my head.
last night his friend called me. I had told this friend about my decision and he totally supported me telling me what my BF did was wrong on so many levels and he would definitely give him a speech about this. So this friend called, telling me he was just speaking with my (Ex) BF and he was in a terrible emotional crisis. He told me he had not seen him cry ever, and now he was crying like a baby, saying he fucked up big time and no matter how much he tries to bring me back he can't. he has said that this was a rock bottom in his life and he has never been this much tormented by the outcome of his own behavior.
then he, himself called me and again, crying, cursing himself in a was that was shocking to me, I was embaressed to even hear that. I told him to stop humilating himself but he didn't. he said he is already finished and like a dead man without me. he said the thought of losing me and seeing me with someone else in future would be the end of him. 
I asked him if he admitted that he has a problem, a weakness when it came to women. he said, sadly yes. he did not want to admit it to himself but now he is seeing it and he is willing to take any therapy or anything I'd suggest.
I told him I didn't care and he should do it for himself, he was crushed again and said he would show me that there will be nothing like this anymore in our life. he would be so transparent that I would not even doubt him a bit. and as a start he gave me the password of his every internet emails, profiles and FB. I don't even want to look into that.
I don't know what to do. YES I loved him so much and our future plans and our beautiful memories have made me stuck in this. but I have NEVER seen him like this, he is usually extremely cocky and arrogant and he never never admits that he is wrong or have a problem. this has been a first. and I don't even want to rememer the terms he used to refer to himself when he was humilating himself.
I am so confused, I really don't want to see him suffer like this. he said that although he is so in love with me and I am perfect for him, and he can never imagine living without me, he has this weakness when it comes to sex :( he needs help and he is willing to do anything to cure himself as long as I stick around.
I feel sorry for him and on the other hand, I don't feel like it is the same person anymore, it is like he is this weak, needy man who can't control himself or fix his own issue on his own,
I don't know if my mad love for him is still in the mix of these feelings or not... uh, I need help too :(

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Mandana85 Mandana85 1 year 44 weeks
LOL, I'm fine guys! he admitted he has weakness against sex, and I was just reading a book about that, so I assumed he might be a sex addict. Maybe you're right. maybe I am being young and naive. maybe I see everything as an Idealist and can't let go of my unrealistic vision of healing everything by love...
henna-red henna-red 1 year 44 weeks
We base our expectations of future behavior on present and past behavior. To do anything else, is unrealistic. To base our expectations on what someone says while they demonstrate something else, is a mistake. To base our expectations on the HOPE of someone making a choice, rather on the demonstrable fact of the choices they have made, is a mistake. A person who wants to change, works to change. They don't just cry and say, "oh, I want to change." They stand up and follow through. And until they have done that, particularly anyone who is dealing with addiction, they are not a good bet for a serious, intimate relationship. My personal experience with addiction in others, has been mostly around alcohol, and drugs. Those addictions are rampant in my work field.....and in my father's family....both of his parents, my grandparents, were alcoholics. I have worked in kitchens where I was the only person not in some stage of alcoholism and/or drug addiction. Manipulation is the natural expression of every addict....no matter their substance. And, as bubbles says, battling addiction, and maintaining sobriety or mental and emotional health, is a life long challenge. Addicts don't think straight....they think crooked....they don't ever go from A to B in a straight line to get what they want.....it's always through someone else. Using people, seeing people as a resource that benefits themselves until they wear it out, is basic addict behavior, basic MO. Dealing with addicts means, even more than non addicts, paying attention to behavior. And responding to behavior....realisticlly. Hope for the best, but accept the reality of that person;s behavior. You can spend your life waiting around for an addict's behavior to change....your entire life....with no satisfaction. And, also as bubbles says, the recidivism rate for addiction is over 90%. And even the few who maintain their sobriety or mental health, fall off that wagon sometime. It's just one of the most difficult things to deal with in humanity, and requires an intense, constant, lifelong dedication to health. So no, maybe no one can say that he will cheat.....that's not the point. The point is that we can only judge on what is, and what has been. We can only make rational choices based on what we've been shown, what's been demonstrated. And this young woman has trusted herself, and her feelings about this guy's behavior to the point of breaking up. She uses the word repugnant. That's pretty telling. And it's not this guy's actually going out and getting help, starting therapy, it's not his acatully changing that has her confused and wondering.....it's his, and his friend's words. His words. This guys words have been lies for the whole of the relationship. There is no reason to believe that the words he says now are any more truthful than the words he said before. So base your decisions on behaviors...... Mandana, darlin', I'm concerned. I agree with Bubbles that you are reacting to something, and that it's not what's happening here, in this post, that you're reacting to. I believe your reaction may be reflecting something happening in your own life. There has been no talk of this guy possibly being a sex addict, until your response....although I can see that this kind of behavior does happen with sex addicts. It happens with a few different kinds of personality disorders, and issues. But again, as Bubbles says, we can't fix anyone else's issues. We can support, and inspire and encourage.....but we can't heal another person's damage. How are you girl? This is an interesting response, from you.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 1 year 44 weeks
Mandana, something is up for you, you're not reacting to what is being said here and you're lashing out at others. Did anyone else bring up sex addiction? That's an interesting take. And I didn't say he's beating her, I said the opposite. That guy is being extremely emotionally manipulative with her and friends, which is definitely a form of abuse. OK, about sex addiction. Almost 20 years ago I became involved with a sex addict. In fact I had a website in the very early days of the web on the topic. Since 60% of web traffic was porn then my site was well trafficked and I wrote with addicts and their partners seeking help daily. I was asked by emerging experts to recommend their services. I pulled it down because the sex addict I had been involved with was threatening my life if I didn't. He by the way, is a highly intelligent, successful pillar in his community. You know, the type people would never suspect. A lot of the things I say here are based on what I learned from that experience. Sat in support groups full of women who were involved with sex addicts and heard story after story, and went to the SA meetings to hear (mostly guys) stories from the other side. I completely had to let go of my romantic notions of sex and love -- like my love can heal damaged people -- and relearn. I used to share your viewpoint, but frankly it's part of co-addiction and even inaccurate. "They are not perverts or these scary people. they are just these weak men who need help." Addiction as a 'weakness' is not accurate by any professional definition for decades. Sexual predators are experts at facades and building one that makes them immune from being suspected as a predator. There is actually a personality aspect of predators that will when warranted put on a helpless, poor me act appealing to their partner's protectiveness. It's part of co-addiction to allow yourself to be manipulated like that. A healthy person would run. And in fact, it is one of the classic tools addicts will skillfully foster to keep their partners hanging on. "Without you I'd ruin myself, you're the only thing that keeps me together" And yes, they're emotional. If you mean their emotional openness is greater than the average person's, that's true and is exactly part of the bait. It reels you in and hooks you emotionally hard and fast. Sex addicts are often exceptionally socially and economically adept. I don't know what your definition of a pervert is, but they fulfill it in mine. Have you listened to the sh*t they actually do, knowing it can and probably will greatly harm a person, a family, their own livelihood or even life? The lies? The thinking that goes on in their heads about how to use people, jobs, systems to get what they want? How they view women (or men)? The rage that drives the addiction? I had broken up with the guy I was involved with as soon as I read a few books and realized I was dealing with an addict. I went into support group meetings single, the only one who wasn't still with an addict. I listened to the other women struggle with their addicted partners and the ongoing drama, broken promises, increasing despair and depression. They were harming themselves and their children's sanity in the name of love. Do you heal from an electric shock by holding on to the wire? No. You put it down and let go. The leader of those support groups said I'm the only one who has gone on to thrive that she knows of. Surprise, surprise. Can people change from self-destructive behavior? Yes. Have you looked at the stats for recovery from any addiction, especially this one though? Abysmal. Only with a ton of discipline for the rest of their lives. And one behavior can be flipped for another self-destructive behavior easily. Patrick Carnes who was a pioneer in even declaring sex as a physical addiction says he believes sex addiction is the 'root addiction' underlying most alcohol and drug addictions. Because they'd get the pros would help get them sober and boom! often a sex addict emerges. It's the rage and hatred inside, not the specific behavior used to deal that is the issue. I don't know your story, but if you're involved with a sex addict I hope you come to realize devotion is not an answer but likely another problem.
Mandana85 Mandana85 1 year 44 weeks
I respect all the above commenters but I do think that making that drastic of judgments against a person we don't know is kind of Harsh! and Bubbles, beating?!! really? I think you all need to give this guy a break! honestly, I don't know if he is going to do it again or not. and I believe that NOBODY really can say that for sure. My Aunt's husband did the same thing 12 years ago, but the idea of losing my aunt was so shocking to him, it changed his whole personality. He showed all the above symptoms of remorse and heartache and he DID change. he turned into this amazing husband every one dreamed of and to this very date, he worships his wife and is grateful for having another chance. I should mention that he, too, was in a continuous contact with a woman BUT he did break it off, asked for help and changed himself. this article, by Dr. Diana Kirschner says that a cheater need not be always a cheater: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200905/relationship-advice-once-cheater-always-cheater and according to her, if the cheater shows the below signs he MAY not be a chronic cheater, and might be worthy of another chance: 1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them. 2. Your partner cuts off contact with his or her lover. 3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you. 4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you'd like to take it in the future. 5. Your partner wants to enter psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate. The guy in this post has almost all the above mentioned signs, and I know that he has been warned before, but what if the person really WANTS to change after all wrongs he has done? we should simply deny him the chance of fixing what he have ruined because he fits in certain criteria? no two person are alike, what if he does have a good heart? Honestly, I have no idea if he would cheat again or not. but if it were me, I would take a time off, and after the time IF I still felt that "love" for him, I'd see if he still shows the interest to change, then I would give him another chance. and as Caveh Zahedi, the "I am a sex addict" director says, all the sex addicts are incredibly emotional men. they are not perverts or these scary people. they are just these weak men who need help and they are so weak they can even get the thrill of their addiction even by talking to the subject of their fantasies. they need help and they already feel empty, what with the love of their life dumping them and all. I don't think it is wise to say "dump your depressed boyfriend" , the addiction to sex, or psychologic diorders like having a thrill by talking to women who are meaningless to you is another psychologic disorder. they need treatment and support
henna-red henna-red 1 year 44 weeks
We all sit back and watch other people do things and say "I'd never do that," or "I'd never let that happen to me." And then we turn around and find ourselves in exactly the same kind of situation, learning the same lessons first hand, instead of second hand. That's the history of human behavior, the history of all animal behavior. It doesn't make us less as individuals...us, or any animal. It's interesting how much the same we are.....and how different, how unique. :) At least, with this kind of repetetive behavior, we have the chance and choice to look at a template, and fix what's wrong, what doesn't work. The most frustrating, puzzling issues to solve, are those with no template, no previous observed similar behavior. The anomoly.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 1 year 44 weeks
And Kurnia, I completely agree how shockingly similar this all sounds. I guess we humans aren't as unique as we think. :(
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 1 year 44 weeks
I know he hasn't ever hit you but you really need to do an internet search on "signs of abusive relationships" and you will discover his behavior is par for the course, including if not especially his sobbing and beating himself up. It's part of his manipulating to keep control over you, and see it works. As Henna says rhetorically, "Why are you talking with him. I know why but do you?" the answer is you are vulnerable to manipulative people. Please go talk with a counselor to get 1) support to stay out of his chain of pain and 2) make sure this dynamic isn't part of a larger issue for you. Thanks for the update! You were really strong to do what you did.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 44 weeks
Why are you talking to him? I actually know the answer to that, but do you? It's really hard to break it off with someone when you have those feelings. But those feelings aren't going to change his behaviors. He is the same person, and you know that he's the same person. the problem is that you will do anything to avoid the pain of actually breaking up. You are looking to push that ultimate pain away by indulging in a false hope....that he is different and will change. It's a false hope. The answer is to block him. To make your decision and then to back it up with appropriate behavior, which means not talking to him, not talking to his wingman, (who is part of the manipulation, and no friend to YOU). Face the pain. It's coming, whether it's now or later. You have a choice of the kind of pain you will experience at this point....the pain of continuing lies, manipulations and broken trust....or the pain of the breakup. Every breakup hurts, no matter how disfunctional the relationship that is ending. The only way to deal with it is to go through it. Avoidance just prolongs the agony. I suggest you look for a counselor/therapist who can help you. And check in with your friends, your family, anyone whom you know will emotionaly support you. You're getting pushed, by a bully, to do something that is unhealthy for you. use your friends and family as a bulwark, a support system to help you follow through with your breakup, and whom will help you be strong and determined when this jerk pulls his crap. A good therapist can also help you to understand what it is about your own personality that has led you to stay in a relationship with a guy who is obviously untrustworthy. It's time for you to look at your own standards and values for yourself. People who value themselves, who have a set of standards for behavior for themselves, demand the same kind of standards for the other people in their lives. So it's time for some self reflection, self awareness, and some honesty about what it is in your life you feel is missing, and why you're allowing yourself to fill it with someone who is unworthy. Remember, darlin', this is a guy who is always going to have more than one woman in his life. His ego can't stand on it's own, without this selfish, self centered reinforcement of more than one. The other woman will never have him to herself either....never. And she also gets off by being competetive, by winning some prize that is no prize. Pity them, but don't buy into their game, or their issues. Don't play with them....you can't win. No one wins in a game like theirs. Take care girl, best of luck and love to you
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 1 year 44 weeks
Oh, and it wasn't his ex that ruined your relationship, it was your ex-bf due to his poor choices.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 1 year 44 weeks
He's cocky, arrogant, lies every chance he gets, can't cut his ex out of his life (even for you- the woman he says he loves so much), claims he has 'a sex problem' and is only willing to help himself if you stay with him? Add onto that then that he is manipulative. He's trying to pull your heart strings to force you to come back to him. He has no plans of actually changing. It's just that he feels sorry for himself and doesn't want to face the actual ramifications for his actions. If you leave forever, that means it's his fault. If you come back, then what he did wasn't that bad. He's just trying to save face. Kick him to the curb. He sounds like the complete opposite of what a good partner should be. And as I stated before, it sounds like he and his ex are meant for each other. Leave them be. You'll be so much happier without him and his behaviors constantly eating away at your sanity.
bluejay17 bluejay17 1 year 44 weeks
People tend to do that kind of stuff when they go through a breakup. They tend to tell the other person, that they will make up, and that they are sorry and all the things your now ex told you. Convince yourself that this is for the best. Don't try to convince him, he'll eventually get to that. Just stick to your decision. If he comes around, in a couple months or so, it will be because he wanted to change, like you wisely said, he has to do this for himself. This time will be of great benefit for you and him. Good luck
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 44 weeks
I don't mean to come across as 'mean,' to you, OP. But yes, you did say in your previous post that he's cried too (reread your post), so this is not the first time he throws the waterwork into tricking you back to the ol' routine. Again, history repeats itself. He's showed to you repeatedly what happened after the waterworks he threw, and the promises, he'd break the promise and things will go back the way it was. I apologize if I sounded of lack compassion, but yeah, it was just amazing how similar these types of cheaters/players act. I almost thought they had a handbook on how to act or something.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 44 weeks
Um. Is this for real...I mean, what you just described for us totally fit on ALL the situation when the guys were cheaters and their gfs finally had enough and to break up with him, they ALL resorted to the same act. Do these guys share a handbook or something? It's really EERIE how EXACTLY similar with all other cheaters/players who got dumped he's acting, the whole act of crying, his friend telling you how horrid he's feeling, he's begging, pleading, telling you how perfect you are, how he's got a 'sex' problem. Wow. He's totally playing you. This is his last card now. The whole 'I can't live without you-you're perfect for him-I'm weak when it comes to sex' (WTF, re: the last one, what does that mean? Has he been sleeping with other females-not only his ex? Why throw that 1 in the mix?!).... I'm not going to be surprised if he's pulled this act before in the past with his ex(es). Don't worry, he won't admit that to you. He's going to keep at it for awhile, up until he finds another vict- I mean, potential gf. But again sweetie, it's up to you what you're going to do. Yeah...good luck to you. :)