is anyone out there..
I don't know how to start this off...i'm just looking for help..reassurence or hope. My family is very...very christian, the type of christians that hold traditions no matter the cost..no divorce even if your husband beats you, no hair cuts no sex before marriage and deffinately..no shameful same sex thoughts..i have had things like this shoved into every crevice and hole in my mental being..that "lesbos are homo fags" that "gays need to burn in hell" oh my favorite is that "they have a mental illness and god should just take them for everyones safety"
Since i was very young i knew i was different..i do not feel like who i see in the mirror is me..that the image my mother sees is me. I do not feel any emotions for men..i have had many bf's trying to be what my mother wants, but the real me...its a secret..i am never happier then i have been with the few girlfriends i have had. It felt right, but at the same time...i am disgusted in myself. I wake up every day knowing i can never show those closest to me who i truly am.
I can not simply wear a shirt made for a man because it's "not lady like" or "you don't want anyone to think your a fag do you?" i live in a house of people who hate me...and they don't even know it..i can't tell you how many times i have sat in the livingroom listening to my mom and grandma bash my gay cousin....saying profanities and saying "i cant believe he would do such a thing to his mother..he lives in such a good christian family. he's going to burn for this sin" i have had to escape..had to hide from them..because how am i to explain tears running down my face?
I know, that one day..i will have to tell them..i am waiting for the day i am stable independent and away from this house. i am so afraid to lose my family, they aren't perfect..but they are my family. i dream about telling them..i dream that they will be ok with it..that it'll be different. But then i know them, i have my whole life.
I need help...i need to know that im not insane..that im not all the things that my family would believe i am..