is anyone out there..

I don't know how to start this off...i'm just looking for help..reassurence or hope.  My family is very...very christian, the type of christians that hold traditions no matter the divorce even if your husband beats you, no hair cuts no sex before marriage and shameful same sex thoughts..i have had things like this shoved into every crevice and hole in my mental being..that "lesbos are homo fags" that "gays need to burn in hell"  oh my favorite is that "they have a mental illness and god should just take them for everyones safety"    

Since i was very young i knew i was different..i do not feel like who i see in the mirror is me..that the image my mother sees is me.  I do not feel any emotions for men..i have had many bf's trying to be what my mother wants, but the real me...its a secret..i am never happier then i have been with the few girlfriends i have had.  It felt right, but at the same time...i am disgusted in myself.  I wake up every day knowing i can never show those closest to me who i truly am.

I can not simply wear a shirt made for a man because it's "not lady like" or "you don't want anyone to think your a fag do you?"  i live in a house of people who hate me...and they don't even know it..i can't tell you how many times i have sat in the livingroom listening to my mom and grandma bash my gay cousin....saying profanities and saying "i cant believe he would do such a thing to his mother..he lives in such a good christian family.  he's going to burn for this sin"  i have had to escape..had to hide from them..because how am i to explain tears running down my face?

I know, that one day..i will have to tell them..i am waiting for the day i am stable independent and away from this house.  i am so afraid to lose my family, they aren't perfect..but they are my family.  i dream about telling them..i dream that they will be ok with it..that it'll be different.  But then i know them, i have my whole life. 

I need help...i need to know that im not insane..that im not all the things that my family would believe i am..

someone help..

~Kaleidoscope Girl.

Virgo826 Virgo826 3 years 18 weeks
Wow, This is a very sensitive subject so I will try and tread lightly... We all love our families and we want there acceptance and approval for everything we do. However, we also have to realize that our families are not perfect, they are entitled to their opinions, and values, but that does not mean WE have to accept there opinions, or values and it doesn't mean that what they say is Law. We have a really hard time being who we are because we are always trying to please someone else. We never think that there is gonna come a point in our lives where we have to let go of our families choices and develop our own. You are making a great decision in waiting to move b4 you come out! The only thing I can say to you that may be helpful is Love your family no matter what, but love yourself more. Do what makes you happy, live how you want to live, and keep those who don't accept it at a distance. You can love them from afar. You only have one life to live... Thats it! A family is not just those who you share blood with but we all have the power to create our own families, may it be a group of friends, or new spouse and babies, you can love the family you were born to and the family you created for yourself. How fair is it for your family to have lived their lives the way they wanted to happily..... and you sacrifice yours to live the life they choose for you unhappily? BTW a families love is suppose to be unconditional, no matter what! If your family puts conditions on their love for you then that should tell you something right there. and From a Christian standpoint, how is gossiping, and judging your cousin Christian like? My bible says that is not OK.... how can one be a true Christian if they don't allow imperfection, There is nothing perfect about humans, That is why JESUS DIED! I find it funny how so many SIN and don't even realize their doing it. The conversation that you overheard was not of GOD! it was of the world, Gossiping, passing judgment, and being full of hate is not how true Christians behave. So maybe you should take some time to notice the sins your family commits and maybe you wont feel so bad for being who you are because they are FAR FROM PERFECT. I wish you the best in your life travels and I hope everything works out for you. You are not insane, you are just another person on this planet trying find your way. Peace and Love