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Saved 11/21/12 to Group Therapy

Is he temporarily pulling away or is it over?


Hi guys,I am quite devastated because of my boyfriend's behaviour. We have been together for 1 year now, about 9 months of which we have been living together. Everything was fine until about 6 weeks ago my boyfriend went home for two weeks to visit his dad, who he hadn't seen for about 7 years and who is now seriously ill. I texted him like usual maybe twice a day to ask how he was and we spoke almost everyday for about 5 minutes in the evenings when he was there and it all seemed fine, but at the end of those two weeks he said that I was calling him too much and that I was controlling him, which came out of nowhere because we would normally call each other to ask about the day when one of us was away. Anyways, he came back home like a different person, irritated most of times, having constant mood swings, even his mum said that something's changed in him because he was rude to her as well, he is constantly pissed off by his work and says there are so many dickheads wherever he goes. In the first two weeks I decided to let it go and give him his space and act normal because I understand he could have been like that because of his dad's illness. We still do the same routine like we used to, we talk, watch movie, have dinner, go somewhere but it's just not him. My boyfriend has never been naturally affectionate but since he came back it got worse, he never texts me anymore but he used to, when I try to hug him he almost pushes me away which he would never do before, during this month we only had sex once and when I try to initiate it he makes it obvious that he doesn't want it. I don't want to sound needy and I am not, I have my own stuff to occupy myself with, I just don't know how to behave around him anymore. If we lived separately I would just let him have his space and not contact him at all until he figured everything out. But since we live together and I see him everyday this situation is so upsetting.  I am quite sure he is not cheating, but I am so confused by his behaviour, he is going home again in a month for 3 weeks to spend Christmas with his dad and I don't know what's going to happen after. I need advice guys, I don't know if I should talk to him about this, or if I should just leave the situation as it is and give him time to figure out what's happening and ignore him in terms of not texting him first or trying to hug him or kiss him first. I really want this relationship to work because it was good before and I want to help him if he is having some trouble but don't know how. P.S. before he went home he was taking some steroids for about 3 weeks and had mood swings but after he stopped taking them but I don't think that can affect your mood so much for so long.Any opinion is welcome. Thanks for taking your time to read through this.

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henna-red henna-red 1 year 42 weeks
That's so hurtful, I'm sorry. My suspicion is that he has some real emotional issues stemming from his past with his dad, and that those are affecting him, and you and his ability to have any kind of relationship. I know it's painful, but life never moves backwards. Some relationships break and reform, but they are never the same the second time around. Which is ok, because they broke the first time. Now is the time for you to take care of you. It's time for you to focus on what YOU need to be ok. What you have is never going to be what you had.....things change, and people's bagage gets in the way and changes things. That seems to happening here, for you and it's so very hard. No matter why he is striking out at you, no matter the reason, you are not deserving of this treatment. It's not ok. some people in pain strike out, and harm the people around them. It sounds to me as though he is pushing you away, and running away from all kinds of emotions, because he's in a position of having to deal with stuff comming up from his past. And it will be very hard to "be there for him" when his reaction is to push you away. So it's time for you to make sure that YOU are ok. Take care of you. Protect you. And if he sees that his actions have a negative affect on you, and that you cry.....that's ok....that's life. He needs to know that. He may have suffered things that hurt him, and he's certainly showing his pain. There's no reason for you to try to hide yours.....it's as important as his. It's important that he understand he also, is capable of hurting people and causing pain with his actions. So don't try to protect him from your feelings....you'll be doing the both of you a disservice. I hope you have some friends and family around you, and in your life, that you can turn to now. You need the emotional support of people who care for you, and he can't give that to you. So turn to people who can. good luck little sunshine. I'll be thinking of you
missmaryb missmaryb 1 year 42 weeks
I'm so sorry :(
Little-sunshine Little-sunshine 1 year 42 weeks
Thank you ladies, we spoke today, he actually initiated the talk and said that he wants to live on his own, that living together is boring and it is better to live separate and meet somewhere neutral, he said that we became more like friends. Our rental agreement has been extended till next June so he said we should see where we are going to be. I said that I understand he is going through tough time and will support him in every way, I said I want us to be back to where we were, I am so devastated, I can't seem to be holding tears but don't want him to see that, maybe I should give it some time but it's hard since we live together, but it's the only option I think there is. Thanks again for your advice everybody.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 1 year 42 weeks
Def. agree with the ladies here. Sit him down and talk to him.
henna-red henna-red 1 year 42 weeks
Stress, stress, stress. Your boyfriend hasn't had a close relationship with his dad for 7 years....there must be a reason for that. Some issue between them that's kept them apart. And now, they've reconnected, and at the most difficult of times.....when his father is ill. People who are ill are often very difficult to deal with....angry and disgruntled from pain, and fear, and inconvenience....from having to depend on someone else to help them. And here, this man is depending on a son, from whom he's been estranged. That's a lot of stress on both of them. I'll bet your boyfriend in now faced with dealing with something that never wanted to deal with.....he doesn't feel he can not help his father.....but there's some issue between them.....really hard stuff. Also, some of us aren't natural caregivers. If you've never raised kids, had any experience with the hands on, day to day physical neccessities of dealing with illness.....it can be hard to come by patience, to learn whatever the skills are that are needed....giving meds, learning to help someone to the bathroom or to dress or clean up.....the emotional burden of the sick person's resentment at their need, there's just so much. As the ladies have said, sit down and talk to him about this. He may not know how to ask for help, or emotional support....holding everything in, or at least he thinks he is.....it's leaking out in his rudeness and bad temper. He's a good person in a difficult position, who doesn't know how to ask for help. There may be resources available to him that he's not taking advantage of.....when my mom had hospice care, there were people available to us, as caregivers, to help physically and emotionaly with support and advice. It's the same with things like alzheimers.....the association has all kinds of people who can help and advise....but so many family memmbers don't realize it and take advantage of it.....cancer association.....look for resources. There could also be resources for you, advice from professionals about how to help your boyfriend, how to support him emotionaly. good luck to you, and to your boyfriend and his family during this difficult time.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 1 year 42 weeks
Yes I think your boyfriend is having a hard time coping with his dad's illness. I agree with everything missmaryb said and I definitely think you need to talk to him about this and see what he says. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
missmaryb missmaryb 1 year 42 weeks
He could just be having a really hard time dealing with his dad's illness. I know it's hard to give him space since you live together, but you should sit down and tell him what you have told us and see what it is that he needs from you. Unless you ask you will never know. Good luck.