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Saved 11/25/09 to Group Therapy

"At least you weren't married"...the death of my boyfriend.


This post is more of a vent, since truly, no one can help in this situation. My boyfriend of 4 years died 6 months ago, we had lived together for three years and planned on getting married. 6 months is not a short amount of time, but after losing someone so close to me, it's not weird that I am still upset. Upset doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. Every part of my body aches to see him again, and every peace of me feels like giving up daily. I find myself wanting to run away from reality, because his loss just...can't be real. I can't talk to anyone in his family without breaking down immediately. By not seeing them or talking to them I can somewhat run away from the fact that I will never see him again. If no one says it, then it's not real. In my heart of hearts I know my boyfriend is dead and I will never see him again. I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke, and laughing while I writhe in pain. I also feel like he lead me on and lied to me (which I know, again in my heart of hearts that this is not true). What hurts the most is that there are a lot of people who are not very sympathetic. I have heard many times "At least you weren't married" as fucking if not being married makes it hurt any less! I want to scream, cry, and not just a little. More than anything, I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep waking up every morning without him and be okay with it. I can't keep replaying voicemails just to hear his voice, and re-reading every email he has ever sent me just to feel like I can function for a few minutes. I feel like maybe he could be watching me and thinking about how lame I am for not being "over it" after 6 months. When I wake up in the morning, when I open the mail box, when I drive my car, when I listen to music, when I am in a store, when I am walking down the street, when I am at work, when I am showering, when I am watching TV, when I am just being, doing anything...I always think of him. There is just so much love, and I never wanted to stop giving it only to him. We talked about death before, not often. He said that he would want me to be happy and find someone new, etc. I know I am 24 and my life is bound to go on in some way, but I can't erase him. I think I will always love him. I have been in therapy, but I can't imagine it's healing powers will kick in for a while. All I want is my boyfriend back. I would give anything in the world to see him. In fact, I would give anything in the world if instead of him, it was me. He didn't deserve to die, and I am not too amazing, so there is no point in having me on the planet. He was the better option. He would have made a great father, and was a gift to the world. He was hard working, funny, the smartest person I knew. He had facts about the most random things. He played video games well, and wrote such beautiful words whenever he wrote to me. He liked to cook and was actually good at it. He loved back rubs, football, and seeing anything on fire (haha). He liked fixing up old cars and going sailing. He could make anyone smile, and brighten up your day. He was everything and more, and now that person is gone. Because he is gone, I feel gone. He was a part of me, and the best part of me. I was so in love with him. I am still in love with him. I can't believe I am actually IN love with someone who can never love me back. I know this post is too long and completely pointless to anyone reading it. I know I should probably take my thoughts and feelings elsewhere. What I really want to do is vent, and maybe let anyone else out there suffering from this kind of a loss that they are not alone. Actually, when it comes down to it, all I really need is a hug.

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henna-red henna-red 1 year 40 weeks
I'm so sorry, what a sad and terrible thing to have happen. Bless you and love to you, sending a prayer and all my best thoughts your way. Take good care of you shugirl. blessed be
shugirl53 shugirl53 1 year 40 weeks
I lost my boyfriend just 8 days ago. I have trouble eating and sleeping since then. The loss and longing is just too much. It is because of this that I came across with this thread. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am coping by spending more time with my mother and even sleeping in her room. I do not know what is next for me. We planned on getting married, have a house near the beach, a bakery and kids. I surrender my grief, loneliness, unfulfilled hopes and longing to God everyday. I know that He will not give me more than I can handle or bear.
anafalaxis anafalaxis 1 year 47 weeks
I lost my fiancee in 1990 - I was 22 years old. At the time, I was absolutely convinced my life was over...and it was, for a long time. After six months, I was still barely able to function. It took years for me to get over his death to the point that I could envision a future for myself without him; you, too, will get to that point but it takes time. I had to put up the all the crap and and the insensitive comments too. I felt like I died a little more every time someone would say something like that. I finally got to the point that it hurt a little less, but I don't think that pain ever goes away. Today, 22 years later, I can honestly say I have a great life. It took me years to get there, though. Even to this day, there is a part of me that misses him and I know I will never be the same, but you just get to the point that you are able to carry on. I wish you the very best.....
ZN ZN 1 year 48 weeks
Oh yes, I read his emails, gmail chats, sms, skype chats, videos, facebook chats, absolutely everything. I even kiss his writing. I have a dedicated album that has absolutely everything to do with him. I made his gmail, skype and fb account, so I clear them out still. I poke him on fb, and then go into his to poke me back :s Good God, I'm not insane, but I can't stop this either. To stop would mean I am over him, and I don't want to be, ever.
ZN ZN 1 year 48 weeks
hey I just made an account on this website so I could comment here. I came across this page because I googled how to get over my boyfriend. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the day he left. I was told by my mother that it would be in my best interest to pretend it never happened, and I tried that. But I ended up kind of crazy, and my behavior to any person who has never been in my situation is 'psycho' and 'crazy'. I live alone, just turned 26 (refused to celebrate as we shared birthdays, and this was the first time I was alone and didn't spend hours talking to him) and so when I'm alone, I delude my self into thinking we share the apartment, pretend hes sitting with me, pretend he even answers me back (I knew him so well, we always knew what the other was about to say), pretend hes hugging me. Its quite insane, but it makes me feel like we are still going on. I'm afraid of being with another guy because I will never want to hurt him. I don't want to think of marriage or kids because I want to stay single till heaven, where we can get married. The more I talk to his family, the closer I feel to him, yet it makes moving on ever so difficult. Oh, I even kept my iPhone on his chest (where he now sleeps) dropped a pin to note the longitude and latitude, and then I open it up on Google maps when I miss him, and stare at that location. People look at me like I'm crazy, so now I avoid saying much, I even avoid our mutual friends to avoid the sympathetic looks. I don't dress half as good as I used to, which he loved, because I couldn't care less what anyone on earth thinks now. And you know what? Besides all my self destructive behavior, I'm proud and happy to have been his, and to have been lucky enough to have had him for 6 years. I don't need anyone else, and the memory of the past 6 years will help me survive till I see him next. I love him and he loves me, end of story, we'll meet again in the hereafter. It's not over. What this has taught me though, is how unpredictable life is. I never hang up with anyone in my family in an argument, and every time I talk to them, I say my heart out. At the same time, I have developed a paranoia of losing someone I love, so I'm always worried for my family (which is part of the PTSD I have developed). I also had two other, rather upsetting events in my life (past 8 years) which have all bought me down to nervous breakdowns, dependence on relaxants, panic attacks, and sometimes even hysteria kicks in. This actually, is a vent just like yours. And though you wrote 2 years ago and I'm sure you're much better by now, you should know you're not alone, and for anyone who drops by this page like I happened to. Maybe its true and there really is a greater plan...maybe. x
gracedavid gracedavid 3 years 6 weeks
I know exactly how you feel. Me and my boyfriend got engaged one month before he passed. It's been a little over four months, and I still feel the same way. The exact same way as you've described. It is absolutely agonizing, and I still wish it wasn't real... waking up and realizing he isn't here anymore is the most horrible feeling, emptiness. My heart has been ripped out from my chest... I know this post dates back to 2009, but it was comforting to read...because I know I'm not the only one going through this and feeling this way up to this point.
Nikkipooh30 Nikkipooh30 3 years 46 weeks
I totally understand what your going through....i just loss my boyfriend August 4th 2010...oh my god that was the hardest day of my life walking in finding him dead and trying to do cpr to save him but it was too late...I'll tell anybody parents if you didnt raise your child and you have a brother sister relationship and your child is trying to reach out to you please please please open your heart and allow them to have that space that they have been longing for. My boyfried and his mother did not get along and all he wanted was for me and his mother to get along but she was the type that was hard to please. Im a grown woman on my own with 2 kids there's no way that im going to keep taking the verbal abuse from her like that and not say anything..He listened to a voicemail that his mother left him that morning stating that: he wasnt her son she only had 2 sons and for him to go back to louisana he didnt have any family here...i was his family...but she was going to pull me out my truck and bust me in the mouth... its way to much said for me to type it all. But the point is chose your words carefully we never know when we're going to close our eyes...Well nevertheless he passed that afternoon...i took the kids to have kids day out i left at 3pm and came back at 4:50 and the kids and i walked in the room and found him dead...he had a seizure and an heart attack. I know that she is suffering really bad because she didnt get a chance to make it right with him before he passed....so parents please love your children unconditionally no matter what they may have done in the pass or even if you didnt raise them...i feel better because i told him that I loved him before i left the house.
syoung88 syoung88 4 years 31 weeks
Dear Friend, I just read your posting becasue I was looking for some words of solitude, encouragement, comfort,anything to help me with my own grieving. My boyfriend just died Sunday morning (yesterday)after a very short illness of 2 weeks. I too, am devastated. Since your posting was back in November, I wonder how you are now getting along. My pain matches your pain and I don't want to go on. I am tired of people telling me it will get better... At least he is no longer in pain... I feel so lost. My head is going to explode with this terrible pain. How do you actually survive something like this. I pray that you are doing better and that I will do better myself as time goes by. Logically, I know this is what happens, but right now I don't believe it. I appreciated the raw hoensty of your posting, your feelings, your fears and your anger. I feel as if you wrote what I am feeling. Right now, I hate the world...I know life goes on, people must continue to live and love, but I don't want that to happen. I want to stop the world and get off. Believe me, I know how selfish this sounds. Even in my deepest grief, I understand the process and what I am supposed to go through. But truly, I just can't seem to care about anything right now. Most of my friends are truly supportive and understanding, but I know there is only so much anyone can say or do. In my head, my mind is screaming...why, why, why? God, help me. I am sorry this posting is jumping around so much. I can't seem to focus. What I really wanted to tell you, is thank you sharing your feelings... I an relate to them and I pray you are surviving and doing better.
spanishgirl69 spanishgirl69 4 years 37 weeks
i couldnt finish reading your post it was bringing back some memories.. i dont love him anymore but somehow im still angry about it, i think that's where my introversion comes from, being secretly angry at the universe or whatever from taking him away.
spanishgirl69 spanishgirl69 4 years 37 weeks
The same thing happened to me, i got engaged and he died before my bday, my personality changed completely i was really outgoing but i became very introverted since then, im with someone else since then, but i still got the ring he gave me, i dont know what to do with it, i cant bring myself to give it away but i dont want to keep it anylonger...
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years 42 weeks
I am very sorry. Your story is so sad. I hope you find that each day is a little better. I hope you can find some nice friends to speak to, a shoulder to lean on, and feel better somehow. He mattered and you matter too. He would want you to be happy to move on in your life. Keep that in mind above everything, and his memory to make you strong.
eliz05 eliz05 4 years 42 weeks
I am sorry for your loss and don't think I have the right words to be any sort of help to you. Here is a quote from Grey's Anatomy that I kept and would like to share with you.. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
vmruby vmruby 4 years 42 weeks
First off my deepest and sincerest sympathies on the loss of your boyfriend.I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. Take your time with the grieving process. There is no set limit as to when you have to get over it and no one else has a right to tell you when that is. Everyone deals with grief differently.So tune out all the negativity from others and concentrate on taking care of yourself. Believe that you are very important to the people who are still here with you and who love you. Try to remember that you do have a great purpose in this life so don't give up. Please,please keep up with your therapy it's so important. In time you will see how much it really is helping you. I wish you alot of better,bearable days ahead and happiness in the future.Many hugs to you.............
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 4 years 42 weeks
Many, many hugs. :hug: I will definitely add you to my prayers. You have my deepest and sincerest condolences. :hug:
honey-knows honey-knows 4 years 42 weeks
Sweetie, six months is not a long time to grieve. Both my parents died (unexpectedly) within five months of each other...I was a zombie for a year after they died, and it took longer than that to get back to "normal." Don't short-cut the process to suit anyone else - you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this. And kiddo, you WILL get through this. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the pain gets just a fraction less with each day that passes. Unfortunately, it takes a while for all those fractions to add up to some noticeable relief. I know that you planned to spend the rest of your life with this very special man...but because that's not going to happen doesn't mean he didn't serve his purpose in your life. He clearly had a profound impact on you...you're not the same woman you were before you met him, are you? That's the part of him you'll carry with you for the rest of your life - the many ways his love changed you, and allowed you to be the person you are today. I know this is a terrible time, but you had a great love, and suffered a great loss. Grieving it will take all the time it takes, and not a second less. Only you'll know when you're ready to focus more on your life again rather than on your loss. Good luck, honey.
jocupcake jocupcake 4 years 42 weeks
Your post made me cry :( I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now and even though I don't know you, I'm sending you a cosmic hug. Like Notinthemood said, I'm sure that anyone who has commented on you not being married just didn't really know what to say. People often try to find the good in bad situations, but when dealing with death, there is no silver lining. Please don't forget that wherever he is, your boyfriend still wants the best for you. Don't give up on life and don't put yourself down.
notinthemood notinthemood 4 years 42 weeks
He loved you, and just because he's gone doesn't mean his love is gone, too. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this... I couldn't imagine how long I'd be out of commission if I lost anyone I love. People don't know what to say when they find this out though, so cut them some slack. You have every right and reason to mourn still, so do it. Read through the emails, listen to the voicemails, and find the strength to get out of bed and live every day because he would want you to. He loved you and would never want you to trade him places! Everyone who has lost someone, says that... "I wish it had been me". Because as much as it sucks to be dead, it sucks also to survive a death. And to push on or tread water as a survivor. Yes, the part of you that you gave him will remain with him. But also, the part of him that he gave you will be with you. Keep it close, curl up and cry, but don't give up... there are better days ahead. Do something that honors his memory and let his family know you're okay.
Chrstne Chrstne 4 years 42 weeks
I want to start out by saying that I am sorry for your loss. I know words don't bring back your loved ones. I can't say I know what you are going through to a T, but I do know what it is like losing people who are very close to you. I also suffered the loss of a boyfriend just after high school (we dated for a few years) and it was hurtful, beyond hurtful. Right now, you are very obviously grieving. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. A lot of people believe that grief has stages, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- but none of this has been scientifically proven. The point is that there are many things you will feel after the death of a loved one, and it takes "stages" and time to work through grief. Therapy is a good idea and there are times when you therapist will have more advice for you. Therapy is more about helping you help yourself than someone helping you. That is the perfect place to scream, cry and breakdown. It might be more helpful if you sought an actual grief counselor if the one you are seeing is not one. People can be extremely cruel, and whoever told you "at least you aren't married" doesn't have the right to call themselves adults. Marriage does not make a relationship more legitimate, it's just a different kind of relationship. It would not have hurt you any more if you were married, because marriage is essentially a piece of paper -- and pieces of paper don't make your feelings or commitment stronger. If another person wants to comment on that fact, you can tell them when their opinions are welcome, and that is when you make snow angels in hell. You speak so lovingly of your boyfriend, which touches my heart. However, you understandably sound down on yourself. Listen, your boyfriend was a part of you, but he was not the best part of YOU. You have many things to offer the world, and you are just as good a person as he is. You are very loved by your friends and family, and you were very loved by him. He didn't tell you that for four years to lead you on, which you know deep down. He didn't die to spite you or to get a laugh. If he is watching you, he is certainly not thinking you are dumb for not being over it. You just don't "get over" something like this. You get over your car not starting the morning, you don't get over the death of someone you love. You are in love with your boyfriend, and that is normal. It's critical to remember something I read in The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (a great read. I recommend it). The book said these words "Life has to end, love doesn't." People die, but that doesn't mean that you wash your hands clean of them once they are gone. When people die it's not like you can magically stop caring, or magically stop loving. You may very well always love him, and that is normal too. What you cant do is let yourself become overcome with obsessive behavior. By re-reading old emails and listening to voicemail you may be doing yourself more harm than good. You even expressed your desire to not let this feel real. While that is normal to an extent, you need to take steps to regain your life. I am not saying to never look at emails again, but maybe instead of every hour, make it once a day, if it's once a day, make it once every other day. Baby steps, and of course, talk to your counselor. Be in touch with his family, because even if it is a cruel reminder that he is gone, they can be very helpful. Keep in mind your presence may be very helpful to them as well. I want to tell you that I wish you all the love, luck, and happiness in the world. I also wish you the power to overcome this immense loss, and find some peace. The depth of your love for your boyfriend is beautiful, and may he rest peacefully.
bikinib7 bikinib7 4 years 42 weeks
I can't even begin to imagine the pain that is overcoming you right now. There are no words that I can say that will make anything feel better for you... as with many things, only time will heal your wounds. I would say to continue with therapy because I believe that it will be beneficial to speak to someone who has experience talking to people who have dealt with loss. Just know that there are people thinking of you. Ignore the negativity energy of people telling you at least you weren't married - I'm sure they don't mean to be offensive and tried to think of something helpful, but failed miserably. It doesn't matter whether or not you were married.. you lost someone dear to you and you have every right to be upset.