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Saved 5/14/12 to Group Therapy

Is my boyfriend &his female friend talking too much?


Please do not judge me & actually give me advice. I've been with my guy for 1 year & 1/2 now. He has his fair share of friends, including females: which is totally fine with me. I am NOT a jealous person. However, he has this 1 female friend that hes known for 9 years and in he beginning I realized they talked and texted a lot. I even saw two pictures of her in his phone and asked who was she? He told me she was a girl from church.

I let it go, there was no emotions involved plus I trusted him. As the years went on simple things, that would be assumed for a person in a relationship to know, happened, which made my trust for him decrease. Anywho, now his female friend has broken up with her boyfriend of 6 years, so she confided in him about her relationship. When she met a new guy she shared those stories with him as well. I don't mind her seeking advice in him but it got to a point where she was texting him at 1 something in the morning about her problems and that didn't sit well with me, so I told him to let her know about it and for him the same that it was inappropriate on both ends. Not to mention that just recently she had a conversation with him about her thinking she was pregnant and told him the reason because, her period didn't come.

I told him that they were too comfortable and that should not be a form of topic because now personal boundaries are being crossed. The thing is, they talk every other day about either about church or her relationship issues and it makes me extremely uncomfortable! Because she is emotionally relying on him ALL the time. It's to a point where I addressed him and told him so, because before I tried to understand but she knows he has a girlfriend and I feel there should be a level of respect. I don't know how to say I don't want her talking to him every other day without SOUNDING jealous. Please help!

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tasminangel tasminangel 1 year 49 weeks
Hi I am a happily married Mum of three beautiful kids and the reason for this is my husband is my best friend. We both would not accept ANYONE ringing at after 11 to discuss their promblems with us unless of course its an emergency. Respect is not evedent here and she needs to get her own light to stand under. If she wants to have a constant confident go to a phsycologist or better yet get into her own relationship. It is not up to others to solve your problems even in a relationship you need to help yourself before you can ever help another. She has had her chance to start a relationship with this guy for 9 YEARS. She chose not to so she needs to back off and be respectful to your relationship. Two's company three is a crowd. Darl if your not be treated like a queen then find another King. :)
mastacre mastacre 1 year 50 weeks
You're thinking of this from your point of view without even considering his. What if you're the one on the edge? Can you change your point of view for this man? Why does he have to be the one to change? All of these are going through his head right now, well maybe not right now but they where. You've reach the great contention. Who loves who more? Are you gonna change to keep him, or do you feel that he is the one who should change for you? It sounds like the later, and if that's the case, this relationship is not going to work out. It might not happen immediately, but eventually it will. That is the type of person he is and he won't change. If you can not except that, then it is time to move on, go through the hurt and wait for the person who can give you what you want. Some times people are just not compatible.
rlm08 rlm08 2 years 4 days
Not to mention she doesnt want me to become friends with any of hers
rlm08 rlm08 2 years 4 days
Was before
rlm08 rlm08 2 years 4 days
Ive been readin the comments and idk if all this applies in a vice versa content but im the boy friend whom we are havin a baby together un planned yet happy about non the less and been planning our future together....but here of late as in three months in the making after a weekend spent apart because we are two hrs away working gets in the way and stuff anyways she had spent the whole weekend at her girl friends house with an ex and friends whom the ex is aparently a best friend for two years now mutually broken between the both saying they were better off friends but were intimate....well since then nothing has been the same we constantly argue and to the point to where its almost over but i have hope and faith things would get better and im the onyl one whose tried to keep it alive...well since then the hanging out the talking and all the has been more prominent than in the beginning of the relationship ive tried ignoring it and even talking bout it but thats the arguments she defends him makes me feel guilty making me seem like im trying to control i hear less from her and things she once told me id have to ask to know and yet that sparks another argument....so now i just let her do her thing trying to see if itll get better but it hasnt....wed rarely get to see each other and shed usually get on the phone and text or be on facebook so i brought it up saying its our time together id like for it to be us it stopped for a little while but ressentment set in so she quit talking to me when she was out with anyone because her girlfriend which whom she has access to see everyday unless when she comes up here says its only fair because thats their time understandable i thought but when their time was starting to be every night after work for and not hearing from her until late and then having to rush off the phone because she complains of being too tired to talk takes a toll on me which thats been addressed and still i feel guilty because she has a reason for everything....idk if its because i had once been through her phone before all this because i had a gut feeling and there were texts from an ex way back when with him talking about wishing they were back together and texts like crazy from her bff/ex about things she saw and thought about him or vice versa and non stop convo and from another ex whom she drunk called umteen times one drunken night and texted trying to get him to come to one of her friends houses calling him babe and stuff which he never replied to...i guess with all this im trying to get it through to her about this constantly taking this guy places or them always being at her friends house together and her talking to him about everything and vice versa that she doesnt talk to me about anymore and claims its just easier because hes there....shes in the usmc and in the barracks right now and its coed but rooms are gender based but his room is right next door and there was a week where she slept in his room while he was away for training just because of the futon supported her better or whatever and mornings where she would wake up if he wasnt there and go watch tv shows at 6 in the morning cause she doesnt have cable i see hes not there but it makes no sense why youd do that and find it justifiable in a relationship whether or not the freindship with him was help please
sunnygrl7 sunnygrl7 2 years 3 weeks
**for two months prior to that...
sunnygrl7 sunnygrl7 2 years 3 weeks
Oh, just a tidbit of info....our cell phone dates run from mid month (last month 7/19/12-8/18/12) and put on a spreadsheet yesterday to determine how many.....720 between them last month. Over 600 two months prior to that. Ridiculous?? Excessive? I'd say so!!!!
sunnygrl7 sunnygrl7 2 years 3 weeks
Thanks for your comments. I have talked to him and it's been an issue for a couple weeks now. Finally he talked to her and told her the volume of texts they have been sending each other. She said she felt bad. So I thought it would stop...but the day after she still texted him about her day. It was only 3 texts and yesterday there were zero (thank goodness). I just wanted to post on here to justify my feelings. It has made me sad that someone who I've never heard much about in the 10 years we've been together is so "important" to him. He said he has no romantic feelings for her at all and if she texts him, he's gonna text her back. Nice huh? But thanks so much for your feedback. I'm sure he likes the attention, she likes the attention. But really...I give him plenty of attention. ;)
henna-red henna-red 2 years 3 weeks
(even if there were some critical emergency, this would be over a line!)
henna-red henna-red 2 years 3 weeks
600 texts a month! 30 a day! every morning and evening, good morning and good night! Yes, beyond excessive. The only time I've spent that much time talking to someone is when I'm falling in love with them, and they are the person I spend more of my time and attention on than anything. Sounds to me like that initial, all consuming focus that goes with infatuation that can lead to something more. It's not just about the content, it's about the amount of time he's dedicating to someone who is not you or his family. And I mean, if there's no critical emergency in her life that is requiring some kind of constant advice, like legal support......wow! I agree with bubbles, talk with him immediately and listen to your own concern and instincts. They are right on. These two people are way over any line.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 2 years 3 weeks
First, 'Assume' I've never seen your posts before -- thank you for weighing in as a professional (I'll take your claim at face value)! I was not happy to see this nasty thread resurface but was relieved to see what else had been posted. Sunny, talk with him about this right away. Because sometimes a partner is just initially flattered with all the attention and really thinks it's nothing they can't handle, but emotional intensity and connection is a sly thing. *That* much attention and interest does not point to the feelings of a friend. The advice for Serene to honor her feelings and boundaries completely applies to you too. Every line. Even more so, a marriage and kids are involved. Time for a serious talk with hubby about how you feel and what you need him to do to respect his marriage and your feelings. Good luck!
sunnygrl7 sunnygrl7 2 years 4 weeks
OH and to go with above situation, he doesn't mind her texting him everyday. She texts him at night and he'll respond first thing in the morning (if the text from her was after he went to bed). He says she is probably bored or lonely and just texts him for something to do. I told him that my opinion is that it is excessive and they don't need to be in touch every single day!! To check in with each other weekly or even longer than that would be better, in my opinion. I am trying not to be controlling...but it's not sitting well with me.
sunnygrl7 sunnygrl7 2 years 4 weeks
I have a situation, so was looking online for other opinions and saw this thread. My husband has a female friend of over 20 years (we have been together for 10). I've never met her. Since May of this year, they have been texting at least 30 times daily, with occasional phone calls. I admit, I looked at his cell phone usage after seeing a long thread of texts over Father's Day weekend, while we were camping with our kids. I was upset that he was on a family trip, but was constantly texting this friend. I discovered that since May, they have texted over 600 texts each month. It is daily and about things like what they are doing that day/week, things about their kids. Truly innocent stuff. I just don't get the connection. I don't understand why she feels the need to text him good morning and good night and text him what she is doing throughout the day. I will never understand because I don't have anyone in my life that I care to text to see what they are doing everyday (besides my husband and my family, but I already know what they are doing everyday). I just want opinions on if that seems excessive. I trust that they don't have anything more than a friendship. I believe they reconnected on Facebook about 4 years ago and he says they messaged back and forth daily for a month or so and then communicated via FB or text once in a while. I don't know what has caused the constant communication since May of this year. It's excessive, but the content isn't crossing any boundaries. I just think it's too much and they are way too involved with each other's daily lives for just being "old friends." She is married, has kids and lives about 3 or so hours away. They went to high school together. I haven't heard much about her over the 10 years he and I have been together and now all of a sudden, she is this important person in his life. I don't get it. Thoughts?! And please, be nice!
rachelssmiles rachelssmiles 2 years 4 weeks
Thank you assume!! I was reading this and reading some of the responses and I was shocked. For one thing. I've been on both sides of the aisle. I had a friend who was my friend for a long time. He got a girlfriend that had also been an aquaintance of mine. She didn't feel comfortable with he and I being friends. So I have no contact with either of them. Out of RESPECT for their relationship, why would I, as a "friend" want to complicate their relationship because of ME? That is selfish!! On the other hand I was with a man for 5 years, and I "accepted" the fact that he had many "friends" that were female. Through out the relationship I'd come to find that ALL or MOST ALL of his female friends were always more than just "friends". If she is as good of a friend to him as she claims to be, than she would want to see HIS relationships flourish. If she felt in any way shape or form that she was hurting you and his relationship, than she should just step away. If he means THAT MUCH to her as a FRIEND. Well, Assume said it best. Bravo to you for pointing out the faults of the other posters on here. If I were you Serene ( I know this is an older post) I would talk to him about it, and if things do not change than I would take this as a sign of him not respecting your boundaries and WALK AWAY! Trust me. You don't want to waste a minute of your life on someone, when it will never work in the end.
HannahBanana21 HannahBanana21 2 years 5 weeks
Just saying, it pisses me off when people say stuff like "we have the best friendship in the world, I wouldn't trade my friend (of the opposite gender) for anything." are you serious? Because if you feel that strongly towards someone of the opposite sex, they are the one you should be with then. Serious boyfriends or girlfriends come first. Especially as your coming up on 2 years! Just a little longer and you could start considering marriage. I don't have best friends that are guys and my man doesnt need best friends that are girls. It only complicates things. If he wants to hang around a bunch of girls then he can be single for all I care, and weve been dating For over a year.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 2 years 5 weeks
Hi Serene! I just want to say I think you have every right to feel the way you do. Some of the people on here posting really need to learn to respect other people's feelings!. Biwife how can you even talk to her about respecting other people's relationship boundaries, when you can't even do it yourself on the internet. Leave her alone you obviously are more interested in making yourself look 'right' rather than respecting her wishes to be left alone by you. Serene please ignore all the people on here that aren't being understanding of your situation, honestly they're just pathetic and it's a waste of time even reading their nonsense. If my boyfriend was texting another girl late at night I would certainly be annoyed. It isn't even about jealousy it is about him disrespecting you. YOU are his girlfriend, he can have a million other female friends but you are meant to be his special one and the one he truely has a soft spot for and who he would do anything for. Of course he is allowed to have his friends but he shouldn't be doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. You need to talk him about it and just be honest about how you feel and if he really loves you and wants to make you feel happier, he will understand how you feel and not judge you for it. He will speak to the other girl and explain that he can't be up late at night texting. It's ridiculous if you ask me and the other girl should know better!. She really sounds like she needs to find her own support network. What she is doing is wrong, like someone else said it is kind of a emotional affair!. I wish you the best of luck with your stiuation and I hope you know that you haven't done anything wrong and the way that you feel is natural. It's good to be concerned about these kind of things, because it shows that you care and you really love your boyfriend.
LittleSuri LittleSuri 2 years 5 weeks
I, too, agree that boundaries have been crossed.  To me, I feel that this sort of intimacy should not be between a girl and a guy friend when one is dating another.  The reason being because the topic of conversation can easily lead to an emotional affair.  For example, she is confiding in him about her past relationship troubles and her current dating life...your boyfriend could have the urge as most men do of consoling her.  And vice versa, if your boyfriend is talking about your relationship troubles, she will try to console him...he is getting the emotional affirmation from her.  She is the one he is going to when he has problems.  Already, she is coming to him when she is down...she already needs him in some way.  To be quite honest, I personally do not believe that people of the opposite sex can be close friends without attraction.  One will be drawn to the other emotionally and then physically.  I've had this conversation with my fiance already...and let him know that I would not feel comfortable with him talking about any part of our relationship (good or bad) outside of the normal courteous remarks with another girl. Nor would I feel comfortable with him listening/being a shoulder to another girl about her relationship issues.  And I've told him why it is dangerous grounds to do so.  He believes the same and really, there isn't much worry that he would come across that type of friendship since all of his close friends are guys.  At one point while I was in college, I was telling one my guy friends the dating troubles that I was having...and he was a really great listener and had a lot of good advice.  However, after that conversation he actually told me that I should probably be telling another person of the same sex my troubles and that he didn't feel comfortable since he was dating someone.  I applaud him for his candor and really respect him more for it.  We still remained friends during college, so it won't cause any undue tension if your boyfriend does tell her to go to someone else for advice.  
assume assume 2 years 10 weeks
There will be those who are female friends of males & vice verse who will mount an argument against what i have said. i am not interested. Friends do not have the right to have the attitude of 'I was here before you" so we can have whatever boundaries we want! That is utter disrespect for what constitutes an intimate relationship and is selfish. A friend is a friend and just because they have seen 'relationships come and go' doesn't give them the right to stand on the higher ground of'but we'll be friends forever'. maybe some of those relationships did 'go' because of friends with that attitude. You are an intelligent girl Serene. Believe and trust in yourself. If it is not right for you, that is what it is and you have every right to lay down some rules. If it doesn't suit your boyfriend, he needs to find someone it will suit. it is not about what is right and wrong it is about what is Right for that relationship and no 'outsider' (yes, that includes friends) should be dictating what defines Your relationship.
assume assume 2 years 10 weeks
Hello Serene I have very briefly read through some of the responses to your query. I felt compelled to write something briefly. I am a Psychologist and relationship therapist and I am not going into depth here, but felt concerned at some answers you were receiving. I have noted a number of ‘beliefs’ that people have stated. One: that they have been friends longer than your relationship. My answer to this is that it is misguided. Relationship boundaries are in terms of how the person ‘relates’ to the other. It is NOT appropriate for anyone to ever say that because someone has known your boyfriend for longer than you that it negates your rights to appropriate boundaries. This friend may have known him for longer, but you and he are in an intimate and committed relationship. I assume that if she is calling at 1 am and you know that you may even be living with your boyfriend. Regardless of how long they have been friends, the boundaries of what is acceptable behaviours are always renegotiable and the responsibility goes to the intimate partner first. Always. Anyone saying different is not respecting the nature of your relationship. You indeed do have the right and it is necessary to have those boundaries, it does not mean you are controlling him, it means you are defining what that intimacy is for you and your relationship. If he chooses to not place your needs first, then that is his choice but then also yours to decide if that is what YOU want in the relationship. Just because they have known each other through various relationships on both sides does not mean that they could never be in a relationship together. There must be absolutely no sexual attraction between either of them. Women respond to emotional support, which means emotional intimacy. A good male friend, who is always a shoulder to cry on, can become very attractive to a woman who sees him as the guy she can always relay on. He’s the guy that she tells how upset these other guys have made her feel, and there he is making her feel….what? ….so much better. This is what women look for in a relationship. Intimacy is what makes women feel attracted to men. Yes, it can turn to other than just sharing intimate talks. Just because they have known each other for years does not guarantee it can’t or won’t. Remember it is usually the woman that controls which man she will become sexually intimate with. These things can happen at any time, regardless of how long they have known each other and indeed it can in fact compel it further. People telling you, that you are the new kid on the block are making inappropriate statements. You are his girlfriend! That is disrespectful. It is not the length of an intimate relationship it is the nature of it! Calling him at 1.00 am in the morning is indeed a sign that she feels that she has the right and doesn’t have to respect your place as his intimate partner. She is just his friend and more importantly she should be your friend too and by disrespecting your home by calling at that time, she is certainly not acting like your friend. This is crossing the boundaries of just friendship. She is acting with him as a pseudo-boyfriend. You see, a woman who is upset will call her boyfriend at 1.00 am in the morning but a woman would certainly think twice about calling a female friend at 1.00 am in the morning.
Serene18 Serene18 2 years 17 weeks
Ok "MAN" Lol Poor dat!
Serene18 Serene18 2 years 17 weeks
What are you talking about? Rebut it with conviction through ignorance? What is wrong man? You are on this site arguing with a female!! You are a man, somethings wrong with that. I said I started to take advice from BiWife until she falsely labeled me and attacked me for having a different view point. WHICH IS FINE! That's how I feel, but do so in a respective way. You would drop me because of my beliefs?! GROW THE FCK UP PEOPLE! You are taking this way to hard. That man tells me he loves me everyday and me the same, Just because we have 1issue does not make me a pain in the ass. Noone is perfect and if you go through life expecting it, your're setting yourself up. I tried giving you advice because no you do not sound happy by the way you chose to indulge in the conversation when you don't even know me or haven't taken the time out to read for yourself. I have no problem reporting you as well for name calling. So mature right? And what makes it more sad is that your're a man. I don't know sexual preference but your comments are strange to me. Yes, I've spoke to straight men on this topic. And guess what? No they would not put a friend over their relationship!! That's ridiculous. I guess you would have to know that in order to feel it. Speak to any real man about this topic and he'll tell you noone comes before his significant others feelings, except for his mother!!! So LEAVE ME ALONE. You are starting to aggravate me because of your 'Attack Syndrome' *Go see a therapist and stay off my case!
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 2 years 17 weeks
From the U.S. federal legal definition of verbal abuse (source: uslegal.com) "The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior."
danceemarosa danceemarosa 2 years 17 weeks
Im 24 and have plenty of years. I have no trouble getting a woman. I just feel that no matter what anyone could say to you, you are going to rebut it with convinction through ignorance. I have all the luck in the world and am so blessed. I hope you find your way. In the furture dont post something for people to read and not expect feed back. No one is going to tell you what you want to hear. You were raised so well you should know this by now. I feel sorry for your bf that he has to put up with such a pain in the ass. If you were my gf I would drop you like a bad habit. You are the model of a psycho and reminded why good women are so hard to come by. Just stop while you are ahead. I am very content with my life and am glad to be single right now. I want to play the field. Im so lucky to have my friend and all the people I know. Its not healthy to invest every second of your time into your significant other. Trust me when I was your age I felt the same way about the person I was with. Nobody knew what it felt like and were jealous. I have been where you were and there is a whole world out there. Do yourself a favor dont post ignorant things on the internet and maybe you wont look so childish next time. Stop commenting and tend to your bf if he means so much to you. Tell him how you feel not the whole world you twit.
Serene18 Serene18 2 years 17 weeks
It's funny how you say you wish the best for me and my partner while insulting me at the same time. You already wasted your time by jumping on the bandwagon and not reading for yourself. No, I don't know everything. I have years to learn while yours are almost over. Aw it must be the #18 next to my name that you two assume I'm young and naive. Sorry it wasn't many user names available. Lol! I am very mature for my age. That's all I have been getting my whole teenage years. My mother raised me well and I don't regret any way that I feel about what I view as respect because that was one of many in which I was taught. I can assure you man that I am in no way jealous but you can keep saying it if you want if that's your only conclusion because I refuse to TOLERATE certain things. I am a chill person, extremely down to earth, not catty, don't like drama, can't stand jealous souls, but your're telling me what I am because 'It sounds like it?' You know me better than I know myself I suppose. Woah. Not the most dumbest thing I've heard but it's close. Don't try to insult me like I am some young cat who does not know what she is talking about. Half of you could learn. I know what I want in life. I'm sorry that yours is almost over and you haven't been granted the opportunity to feel that way for another person other than your best friend. So no, good luck to you! Somehow my comment rung truth to you to respond the way you did. Your're lonely and do not have the companionship that I have. Instead your're substituting your friend with that.