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Saved 1/03/13 to Group Therapy

Are my expectations too high?


I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years, and we've lived together for the past 1.5 years. Everything seemed great for the first 1.5 years. I didn't notice any issues at all. But then he had a small issue with tardiness. For instance, he'll tell me he'll stop by within an hour. Mind you, at this time, we lived in the same building. Hours would typically pass, so I would go over to his room and see he would still be on his laptop just browsing the internet. Or sometimes, he would be standing around talking to neighbors. These neighbors happened to be a group of girls that all had crushes on him, ogled him, cut into anything I tried to say, and ignored me no matter how hard I tried to interact with them...so yeah, I'm bitter about that, but I tried not to let it get the best of me. He always had excuses: he never told me when he'd stop by, the time just flew by, he's just not good at keeping track of time, etc. This issue with tardiness is ongoing. He'll now say he'll be home for dinner at 8; I'll have it ready, and then he'll just not show up until midnight or so. Or he'll be studying with friends, promise to be home by midnight, and call me if anything changes. He never calls me to keep me in the loop, and he stays out hours upon hours more. Anyway, he has other issues, too. When he goes on breaks to visit family for a month or more: He'll say he'll call me in the morning or afternoon or whatever, and then he doesn't call at all. He'll promise me a skype date, and then just not show up. We'll be chatting, and he'll say 'brb' and then never come back. He'll say he'll email me the next day. He doesn't. No biggie; I just tell him I'm a little upset, but he could just email me the next day. He gladly agrees every single time, but then nothing happens. He could be browsing the internet all day or spend hours watching tv or even go out with friends, but he has a smartphone with a data plan so really he can email, text, call whenever he has a spare moment. For whatever reason, he can rarely ever make the time. I am not exaggerating when I say he has these issues at least half of the week, and it's been going on for 2 years. On top of this, his libido has drastically decreased, and it keeps decreasing. We average once every 2 weeks or so at this point, and I'm very frustrated. He rejects me a lot, and constantly tells me to lower my expectation in regards to sex, his tardiness, and all his other issues. So are my expectations too high? Or should I really just suck it up and try to lower them?

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henna-red henna-red 1 year 36 weeks
No, your expectations aren't too high, but your acceptance of abuse and abandonment of you are. It a truth that we teach other people how to treat us. He's treated you badly, shown that everything else has priority over you, and you've stayed and allowed it. He says one thing, and he does another....that means that what he says means nothing..... In my life, someone who treats me so disrespectfully, has no place. If they constantly leave me hanging, then I believe what they've shown me, that I'm not important and that they won't honor their word, and I put that person out of my life. Life is too short to accept such bullshit. You have some choices to make. You say you have high expectations, but what you're demonstrating is a total lack of expectation.....you accept what he offers. If you don't want this kind of behavior in your life, then you have to stop accepting it. So it's time to either let him know that there will be consequences to his crap....such as you no longer in his life, and be willing to back that up, or you can continue as you are and have done.... It's not going to be easy to change your ways, just as it's not going to easy for him to change his ways. But if you want something different, then you have to choose to behave differently. If you want to have high expectations filled, then you can no longer accept his behavior. Are you ready to change your behavior? Because that's where everything in your life begins....with you. If you want more, want better, show that.....behave better and demand it from all around you. Behave the way you want other people to behave. You will draw people around you with the same standards....as you have now. If you don't accept people in your life who don't treat you well, then you won't have people in your life who don't treat you well. Simple....not easy, but simple.
missmaryb missmaryb 1 year 36 weeks
Hmmm, are you sure he's not seeing someone else behind your back? It sounds a bit fishy, the blowing you off and his decreasing interest in sex. Let's assume that he's not. Then that leads me to the conclusion that you are at the bottom of his priority list. His friends and his computer are more important than you are. I certainly don't think that a guy shouldn't be allowed some friends and some "alone" time, but he's choosing those things over you...unacceptable. The only way to solve this is to sit him down and tell him what he's doing and how badly it's making you feel. You can't go on being the bottom of his barrel. Good luck.